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I am not as straightforward as I used to be. Thinking about so many things lately and what is supposed to happen this fall, I can't come to grips with losing all the things that I feel as though I've worked so hard to maintain. In reality, I haven't struggled to keep anything alive because I haven't had to it seems and I couldn't make an attempt on the days I was going to try. I blame myself for going against my own disposition. When faced with a situation that challenges me in such a way and I choose the wrong path, that which goes against what I stand for, and I am burned, I feel inadequate in several ways. My mom might call it stubbornness, but her definition of the word is anyone that chooses not to become a pawn or a tool for another when evidently there cannot be any other way.
I'm not sure what has come over me. I used to be a bit different and I don't feel as though I have changed. It seems as though the world around me is moving so quickly and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so lost and no one asks me what's going on or how I feel except in some passing chit-chat wherein they're not even going for those answers if they're shooting to discover any. I'm not selfish I don't think. I don't even like the attention I do get when I have it. I know I do want it from one or two people and maybe that is all it takes to become that way. I bitch a lot to myself. Sometimes I feel like I should bitch to other people, but no one, save maybe one or two, would even understand any of what I was saying.
I care about something too much and I can't let it go. I'm questioning why it's still there even. A hassle? Overlooked? What is it? I can't figure it out. It's a dead dream it seems. Only a dream that someone is working towards and I can't possibly work towards because I've been trying in much of my free time to set things in motion but it doesn't appear as if anyone is calling me back. I'm required to rely on other people in a world where all I was told was to be the best I can be as an individual and people will see that. Well, fuck that. No one's seeing shit my friends. I'm aggravated by everything around me because it all fucking sucks. No life, no girlfriend, no job, no school, NOTHING. Anytime I try to progress in one of these fields, NOTHING is what comes out of it.
I have a girl somewhere out there that says she cares for me but we never chat, never discuss our feelings. It's like we're playing the game of musical chairs with our emotions(maybe just mine). I don't even know what's going on with that anymore or why I'm still clinging to it like it's going to work out or something sometime soon.
I've applied at over ten establishments, most of which I wouldn't work at if they gave me a job on the spot. Not one callback. Not even a mis-callback. Nothing. No one is going to hire me. The classified ads, I check 'em, everyday. I qualify for the night security job, that's about it. I called them, they said the position is full, the ad is always in the paper. So I noticed I replied.
School? I applied to local schools before the deadlines. I received one paper back from ONE school saying "we received your application". Thanks. That's fantastic. I'm glad you received my certified envelope with my application in it. I got the receipt that I paid for with it, so I know you got it you morons. How about you tell me if I'm in or not. Contact me when you actually have something to say.
So I consult my brain because no one else cares to listen to any of this, hence the rant above. The return answer: just forget it.
Just forget it huh?
Yeah.
Great advice..
"Fuck it.." He rubbed his forehead and sighed as his voice drifted off. The sound of the train pulling away from the station startled him. At that time all that he could think about was what had transpired--the events leading up to this day. Peering down the tracks the thoughts raced through his mind, and again he sighed.
The wooden canopy over the platform shielded his and all the faces of the passengers to-be. In the shadow of the day he shed two tears, one from each eye. He plopped down on his behind and sat upon the concrete waiting area still squeezing the necklace in his right hand. It snapped. As it did this the beads began to slowly slip off the thread, one at a time. Seven in all, six lost, the remaining one still firmly in his grasp.
He looked up at the nearest person in sight and with moist eyes, gave her a sincere look, a lady of probably sixty years or more, and said, "This is all I have left now. Just this one." A few minutes later, he picked himself up and brushed the debris from his hands off on his shorts. He took one step toward the track and thought a moment as he stared at the thick yellow-drawn barrier.
"Only a line."
He paused, and, looking down at his hand, saw what he was still holding onto. He stuffed his prize in his pocket and wiped the sweat from his hands on his shorts. He took one step back from the track and turned around without hesitation. He headed straight for the staircase down to the parking lot.
One step. Two steps. The farther he walked only worsened the pain. The thoughts did him little justice, stabbing sharply the backs of his eyeballs and the roof of his diaphragm. Everything inside seemed to hurt. His heart rate soared and he clutched at his chest. He looked up at the sky, directly into the sun, just as he collapsed. There, at just the place they'd first met.
~Seven Times Once, Chapter 20