Saturday, November 29, 2003
-*Reeds for the Just*-
Yesterday was alright. I'm home. It sucks. I've probably been in my house about 5 hours in the past two days. I've been avoiding the house because the time I used to spend in this house is no longer how I spend it. I dislike being here a greyt deal.
Tomorrow is Glenn's annual Thanksgiving get-together and I will be there with the remaining amount of my friends. These are the real friends though. They're not the passerby, school friends or the small chit-chat friends. They're the ones I would like to keep forever and take with me where ever I may roam. I must be frank - I am off my rocker. It's like I'm dead and loving it - everything but the dead part. my id says the loving part but what does it know! I'm still in control for the most part and that is cool. I get a lot of headaches though and that isn't something I can stand anymore. I'm just going to cut pieces of my brain off at this rate.
Tonight was a good night. I got to hang with Brad and Glenn, just us three. It had been a long time since it was just us three and I have to say it wasn't as fulfilling as I wanted it to be. It didn't seem like anything was missing but it was obvious that something surely was. I hope that which we are doing now is worth it in the end. I hope, for me, that it was always worth it. I tell myself it is. I won't lie to the worst person to lie to. It wasn't the lack of what I wanted to do, it's just that something seemed dry about our conversations. We were swapping college stories and stuff but it wasn't all the same. Maybe there was some tension, but it seemed just fine from all points. I've got it. It was just me. I saw it that way and I alone interpreted it that way. Brad was smiling. Glenn was smiling. I was smiling too.
I smile a lot now. I used to believe, and still do, that smiles were given to you in a bag. In life, you were to save those smiles for the good times, space them out, use them wisely in situations you felt were deserving of them. Now I smile all the time. I've looked into my bag and seen that there are hundreds of smiles left. I changed my view and decided that I don't when I'm gonna die, so I'm gonna smile all the time, whenever the situations warrants it, not deserves it. I held back too many smiles, or smiled in the shadows too often months ago and now I'm never letting myself be so conservative again. I am in pain here in my house. There is a lot of unresolved matters in this room that I swept under the carpet. Really though, I'm "glad" I still have somewhere I can escape to, only, it's not here. It's Glenn's house. For awhile today, it was Brad's house. What I am running from, I still do not know. Maybe lonliness. Maybe boredom. Maybe my fleeting love.
I lack trust right now. I will not trust anyone as strongly as I once did. Not NEW people that is, I will always trust the friends I have now. I am doing that which I never have done. I know one day I WILL trust someone strongly again, but that day is too far away for my instruments to know or experience. I am not prepared to be hurt again and I will be very cautious in my dealings with everyone from now. I have traded liberal smiles for a conservative heart. Only I will be the death of me, and only I would allow such things to interfere with my thoughts. Do not ask why I have said it. I have felt the need to say it and therefore have said it.
Life is too short to spend it wasting time. Stop wasting time. Stay with that which you have seen can be and will work if you try hard enough. There is no need to change that which has been working and has the potential to work if you are willing to give it a chance. Never give up on the people you love no matter what. If you show who you can really be, those who love you will see you for who you really are. Never shy away a smile. Face the demons with chin high in the air and a brazen will. Succeed where I have failed and you shall see that the world is more than love and hate. You will see the possible and realize that nothing is ever impossible, no matter how many times you seem to fail. Go. Get off your computer, and outside, into what you think is real, and scream. Scream once for love. Scream once for hate. Then scream one last time for all your regrets. It won't make you feel better, but it'll kill about six minutes.
Grey (12:16 AM)
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
-*A Lifetime Member*-
*flashes new lease on life card*
I watched Contact with Greg tonight. <- boring opening statement.
Now for the real show. Alright people, listen up. I am here. You are here. We dunno why so let's gather in our collective ignorance and celebrate, not bliss, but unity. Be us the dearly beloved or the sincerely hated, we are all in this mess together. People get what they deserve. Right now, I am accepting that which I deserve just as you are as every fraction of a second passes. It's amazing and true.
I have become accustomed to my life now. I think I jumped over the threshold of insanity and am now right back on track. Of course, I also realize that this newfound togetherness may very well be the seed of insanity. Either way, it's cool. I feel better at least.
I sat outside alone for awhile tonight and I felt cold. For a change I think I was real. I could touch the skyline with two fingers; one just wouldn't do. One for each dimension I could touch it on. Why wish when you can know? I am unsure about many things still but that is to be expected. I would like to draw out the blackness to simply stamp it out. Maybe to the most complex, the simplest answer really is the correct one. In any case (you cannot imagine how much I adore cases), life is beautiful. It is beautiful in all its chaos. It is beautiful in all its glory. No one may tell you what to do. People do what they do. In all your chaos and in all your glory, you are a beautiful thing.
What does one say to a world of mourners, nostalgics, and zealous fools?
I'll tell you what I' d say:
Deal with it.
And for good measure:
Why wish when one can know?
I wish to know but I do not wish to learn.
Take that world.
Take a load off. It's on me.
Grey (4:25 AM)
Friday, November 21, 2003
-*Stoned Test Bunny*-
The night feels fuzzy wuzzy. I shouldn't be typing at this hour. I should be playing Final Fantasy XI. I guess I should point out that for the next 25 or so days I'm basically neglecting the MUD to play some stupid MMORPG that has two words of total marketing genius poured into it. I won't neglect long. The nights of Final Fantasy are not as enjoyable as the first night of learning. Now I've soaked some info in and it isn't what I thought it would be. It's really a pure hack & slash game with a fancy name. Anyhow, that's boring to talk about.
I'm talking to Bun Bun right now. She's cool. It was cool meeting her. Don't know why I'm mentioning that.
I'm sleepy but not tired. I'm awake and unbending. I want to code the things I'm thinking about right now but I know I won't remember them later when I am really going to want to remember them. It sucks thought because I don't have the will to write them down at the moment either.
Last night was sooo lame. I didn't mean to write more o's, it's just how it sort of happened.
I hate leet-speak or however you spell it. Speak fucking ENGLISH or don't speak at all, jeez. I don't follow trends. I'm sorry if it doesn't make me 'cool' or 'in', I really couldn't give a fuck about being in any "in-crowd" or being a role-model or trend-setter. Bah to that bullshit I say. I'm not going to be a follower - it isn't in me; it's not my nature. I'm gonna stop this rant now. I like hyphens.
My head is failing to properly self-balance itself on the muscle and bones it has been given. My head feels stuck to one shoulder with glue or sticky puddy. I don't get it anymore. Why am I so bad because I enjoy thinking about being in the clouds. I don't care whether I'm living on the streets or in a mansion so long as I am as happy and content as I can be at that point in time. I hate my life; I love my life. Semi-colons are a misplaced friendship.
If I could somewhere right now,
I forgot what I'd want to choose.
I'd fly away on wings or something,
and seek it out from midnight to noon.
I am full of life and devoid of energy right now.
(I am taking forever to strike a single key currently.) <- bad subtext
I await the cold winds at dawn.
You pulled me from a freezing cold.
Yar, yar to the pirates of old,
yar, yar to the new.
One things you've gotta know on 'dis ship
is how to pour the brew.
Har. I've washed myself up on a beach tonight. It feels nice and cool. I'm warm inside for whatever reason even though I know I should be cold. Maybe it's the drugs that make me feel woozy and maybe it's the fame of it all. In feeling less important, I feel imporant. Explanation:
-1 * -1 = 1
I'd say the worse off you are, the better you just might become. I proved it. I'm out for tonight.
you didn't know I enjoyed so much.
Grey (2:26 AM)
Thursday, November 20, 2003
I'm gonna regret not going to lab again. Someone is on the phone and she needs someone to talk to so I'm offering my ear. I'm paralyzed right now. This is taking me forever to type; my attentions are elsewhere.
Standing on toilet..
I went to class this week. That haze Glenn always talks about was lifted from my head after 6 "dry" days. I felt good, but I was struggling with other things in my head, on my mind, and in "real" life. Groovy. Not really. The dry days are over again. I miss Greg kinda. He and I get along in strange ways sometimes. I really don't "miss" him conventionally. I just know that if he was here, I wouldn't be so scared to do certain things. But Glenn's around so actually, it's all good now.
So far so good
Nothing is getting me down as of late, not even the fact that I'll probably get a D in bio lab and a C (if I'm lucky) in the class. I really don't care because I know I've gotta be here for at least 1 more semester anyhow and I'm only 3 credits behind. I'll have to be at least 12 credits behind to have another good, full semester and be full-time. Being part-time would mean I have to get a job and I know being a student and working never fit together well for me.
Glenn found psyduck - yay!! I knew he was hidden somewhere in that pile of mess he calls his room. In any case, psyduck pegging is back in affect here in Eisenhower 214.
I went to the bamboo forest three days ago (?) with Greg, Hetre, and Derf. Mostly, I got lost in the winds and thoughts of the wood. I don't remember much except feeling cold for brief moments in time, some background noise, an argument, rustling of leaves every-so-often, and a beautiful, suffering, tree I could touch for hours and try to understand from the highest branch to the small seed. I heard a word in my mind - ish'taeth. In an old tongue it means 'death' or something like that. But not natural death. This is something along the lines of a slow, agonizingly painful death that comes before deep suffering comes. This death lingers here somewhere and it spoke to me about things. About my friends, my life, important people, and some not-so-important people. I think I will go back tonight or tomorrow on my own to listen again. Maybe. Maybe I'm just crazy. Someone tell me I'm nuts and I'll believe you if you are a credible source.
The loose (end?)
My heart is heavy these days. Maybe it's gravity. Many things, magical and tragic, have been brought to light by receiving and interpreting. I wish I knew less about my life now. Perhaps if I did I wouldn't be stressing about the future - something I never looked too deep into. It sickens me. I spoke to Glenn and Matt about it. Opinions are comforting, but actualities will be more fulfilling. Two nights ago I experienced something real, or what felt so unreal, it just had to be happening. I lie. I know nothing anymore real than how I feel right now happened. Just like the words failing to support my mind, the real lacks in reality. Sometimes I ask myself why I even bother posting because if I know anything at the moment I log into blogger to edit, it's that anything I say won't get the point in my head across to the readers. On other days I admit to not having a point at all. I HAD a point today but I lost it because I'm listening to someone speak in my ear and I an hearing and listening to what is going on. It's not the end though so what am I to do? I know... "wait".
The Riddle & The Procedure
People are always telling me I talk in riddles these days. I don't know what they mean. I speak about odd things sometimes to people. Even I know that they're a bit odd or off-topic but I speak of them anyway as if I really know what I'm talking about. What rolls off my tongue is all the knowledge that I have of what I speak. It seems like a lot. Sometimes I question where I gained this knowledge. Ocassionally I remember that I'm more than my own thoughts, feelings, and dreams. Then I recall the bad times and it hurts. My riddles aren't riddles at all. Maybe they're not meant to be solved. Those words are the best ones I can muster for having to use a language to describe the images and notions in my head so everybody is just going to have to deal with it like I've always had them do. Standard procedure that is.
Into the black.
Now that that is all over in my ear, I will probably head back to sleep. I am very tired and worn out these days. I've only slept for 3h at this time and I know that I'm killing myself. I have no more hopes. Hope is on an extended vacation right now and I can't see ahead of me very far.
Darkness before me,
I walk from the light.
Into the shadows
to regain all my might.
The Last of the Sinistrals.
Eat away the walls around me. I'm tired of biting, gnawing, spitting, swallowing. I am done with the time for now. I will become a sinister being bent on something not unlike domination of the eras inside my head. I live in many times, each coexisting inside of my head, driving a mail into the base of my brain on small click at a time. Heh. I think I'm not feeling very good right now. I might need to vomit on myself to put me back in my place. Save it captain. There will be none after me, I no longer feel the need to couple in those ways.
For now I will fade back into the shadows. I need to seek out the unreal to destroy the real. Discover the old, out with the new. Come 'round full circle with that and be free from the ground. Soar like only the wind can. Take off, fly you fools. Hah.
Be you there
To seek the answers
at any cost..
Grey (9:10 AM)
Monday, November 17, 2003
-*The ring wraith*-
Got my ring back now. I'll keep it safe. My precious. Home wasn't where the heart was.
This weekend was somewhat productive. I got a lot of work done at Glenn's house and sorted out some loose ends with various people, including my mother. I'm glad today. I'm not happy, but I have some kind of, not "renewed" per se, but rekindled "hope". It's not very good considering all the things that are going on in my head and body right now but I am dealing with it as well as I can be expected for the man I am.
I pledged things to myself last night. One was to never let anything get me down. I do not know how long or short my life will be therefore I will not spend it in a narrow ray of sunshine (meanwhile, I don't like suns much, but I appreciate stars *har*). I'm holding onto clever and sarcastic tightly. They've guided me through the worse and best of times in my life. They stood on either side of me, gripping my hands so tightly so I could never let go. I feel their grasp again. Last night was awesome. Everyone got together in the suite to watch the extended version of The Two Towers and it felt really good to see everyone getting along and being friends and stuff. I smiled most of the night, forgetting about all the maledictions in my life. Even Glenn was there; Rob was too. We had chinese food and enjoyed an awesome flick.
Nothing will get me down now. Take your sorrows and your pities for me and place them aside. Never forget the past, and what you've felt for me, of me, at me, whatever. This is for all of you. I may need those things again someday. Right now, I will survive, I plan on it, and I'm gonna do a damn fucking GOOD job of staying alive and beating the system(s). Don't stand in my way, you will be destroyed. You will be missed - Like cancer (thank you BM *cackle*).
Deal with me?
Deal with it.
Grey (11:51 AM)
Friday, November 14, 2003
-*Reven eid reven*-
If I could cup the world's pain,
I'd form it into a ball.
Next, I'd open real wide
and swallow it all.
No I wouldn't,
I wouldn't want to.
Tonight I did a lot of thinking about things with no real relavence to life, but my life in general, so-to-speak. Greg was there. Rob was there, but this was the tail-end of my thoughts for the day. I've been thinking for hours now and I can't stop thinking. Rob made me think about how "cool" it must be to meditate. I felt like a kid inside as I said "no" to him. It but keeps me regular now. My ID, or whatever needs to express itself on a clock now. Without regular maintenance, by mind seems as though it would be deteriorating very much faster. There's no more pain upstairs anymore, which is good. It's sunk way down in now, where I actually kind of like it. I can shape it, imagine myself molding it, like puddy, into a dinosaur or an indian rowboat. I lose myself in the thoughts, and a smile on the outside and on the inside. Someone pointed it out to me and I realized it. I giggle at the thoughts of things being made in my image; it's just somewhat smirk-worthy. I realized I was doing it because it was pointed out. I wonder what else I do in the meantime that people see that they don't point out and if I'd rather be ignorant to all the other things, played off as if I was never meant to realize them. Weird, strange; no. This is everyday for me. I've dived into pools of thought this deep before, but I was never able to swin so freely throughout it until now. My mind is liberating itself in the wake of destruction, the day it will just fizzle and whither away or excite and BOOM! - no more mind. I could exist blissfully, ignorantly, with such an outlook on life I suppose. I wouldn't know it any other way because I'd be ignorant to those paths previously "taken" (or never having been taken). That is an achievement in itself. If I had just one wish left, I now know what I'd use it for. If I ever had any wishes, I can but apologize to myself for squandering them for selfish, possibly even, nihilistic methods. Yeah, the shell is out tonight, but the magic contains itself now. No longer is this lock hewn to my soul. Now, it swings loosely having bore labour, trial and error, misuse, constant picking, and reckless abandon.
Take me to another place
where I can be un-same.
In that place I'll find me-two
and then place all the blame.
Grey (6:05 AM)
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
-*The recklessly brutal truth of the view*-
I can't help but quote more APC today. Mood swings cause me to be very unstable lately, just like the rhythm of this song..
Cast the calming apple
Up and over satellites
To draw out the timid wild one
To convince you it's alright
And I listen for the whisper
Of your sweet insanity while I formulate
Denials of your affect on me
You're a stranger
So what do I care
You vanish today
Not the first time I hear
All the lies
What am I to do with all this silence
Shy away, shy away phantom
Run away terrified child
Won't you move away, you fucking tornado
I'm better off without you
Tearing my will down
I just don't know anymore. I'll leave this song to your own devices. It touches me somewhere deep down inside.
Grey (11:28 AM)
Monday, November 10, 2003
-*Pure black, looking clear.*-
Didn't wanna post without talking to someone first.
I have a problem.
I think I have two, but only one is bothering me.
When certain events happened in my life lately, a part of my life just ended. My future stopped being motivated to happen. Now it just happens and there's never a pay-off to me anymore. Am I depressed about it? Dunno. Don't want to talk about it here. Nobody will care. People _want_ to care, but they _can't _ put aside the time to listen to someone in length. I wanted somebody to listen to me recently but I've never addressed my cases properly or been in a situation where it could come up easily. When I quit smoking cigarettes, a part of my life ended. This isn't really part of my problem. You see, I'm stoned right now - very stoned, and I don't mind saying it anymore publically. This is a problem. That's my second problem I will get to if I'm still awake enough to type. My first problem isn't that I'm very depressed. It's the outcomes thereof. I don't even feel the sadness anymore, it's just there all time time, but that's not it either. It's the fact that I'm peeling away, shedding skin away revealing the inner workings of myself and, never breaking paragraph, parts of me have been lost rapidly. Wht the fuck can I say in words!!! NOTHING. I can't even touch how I feel with ANY number of words and it drives me FUCKING MAD. IT'S MAKING ME FUCKING MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!
GAH!!!! The font is just not LARGE enough to say it FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!
Forget it, I'll probably want to remove this post and leave it for art or some BULLSHIT ideal someone thought of once. My inner workings are cynical and very much encompassed by the word "ASSHOLE" don't you think? Yeah, deal with it, that's who I am. Someone couldn't deal with it 13 times and I lost 13 friends. Thirteen close friends and now I don't give a shit if they rot or anything anymore because I stopped giving a rat's FUCKING ASS!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm angry right now. All my anger is in my head and through my fingers and being used to strike the keys like little extensions of my aura. They wobble like the strings in M Theory.
I have a problem. Now I am admitting it. Tomorrow is the last of it. I will dry myself out for the week and yearn to go home. How fucking greyt is that! Hah! I will probably crack sooner than expected, but I say that because I am losing it right no and I want to leap off the balcony and catch a hard updraft like in Tiny-Huge Island and be swept up and away straight into the sun where I will melt so fast, I won't have time to feel myself vaporize.
I will post a followup sooner for this post when I am not high. The state opposite to that one is 'sober' or 'straight' right? I haven't been there since the day I went to see Urien and that day was a GOOD, fun, awesome day. Last night was awesome too, but it was totally different than any one-on-one conversation. It was the polar opposite of it. hah. TwIcE.
If anyone wants to avoid me today, Monday, just sa y so and if I see you, I will not go to you. I do not want anyone feel an obligation to talk to me or need to see me, or want to be around me today, or any day between now and Friday or whatever. Wednesday is Dave Chappelle! However you people feel, you say that to me, brutally honest if necessary and I will listen and abide by your laws.
I didn't say what I wanted to say in this post - it became a rant. Sorry for wasting your time. I'm not addressing problem 2 either. Sorry I mentioned it or reminded you.
Goodnight those worse than me, I wonder how you all do it.
Grey (4:33 AM)
Sunday, November 09, 2003
-*I've been had!*-
Tonight was extremely eventful. I went to a smashing party and had a joke played on me that I actually FELL for (finally someone got me), and I ended up back here at school very sober.
It all started at 4pm..
Grey got up and went for the shower. Greg was there. Bah!
Matt arrived and reminded me why I got up. The party.
I kicked Greg out of the shower. Naked. My fucking turn you skinny fuck.
I got clean. Greg in awe of my penis. Bastard. Hot sister (grr).
Went downstairs. (this is becoming a lot like a retarded timeline.. Oh well.. ... .. .)
Met Phil. Greg, Matt, and I got in the car.
And we went..
*mid-story break #1*
While in car..
received a call from Troela (in BELGIUM mind you) telling me the MUD was having an emergency. From through his super-thick accent and such, I was only able to decipher:
"You need to go home"
"There's an emergency"
"..can't log in.."
and "I need.. "
So, naturally I started counting down the list of my enemies.
Next, sorted through list for people who MUD.
Next, narrowed down list again to people who can code.
From there, bottle-necked list into people who know code well enough to be able to hack player files. Then, hack them remotely, if necessary.
Threw a 3 names out, (our admin..) and three names spewed from the machine.
Hacked one name to pieces out of pure insanity.
Thought about the other two. Figured one. Didn't want to admit who to me. Took many guilty factors into account. Took many innocent factors into account. Determined previous factors outweighed latter factors.
Got really pissed off. Started calling friends to acquire weapons to hurt others with. Or just one other.
Anyhow.. In the real world I was pretty PO'd. Someone had hacked Seasons of Almadyn. MY MUD. *shiver up spine* OoOoO!! They were in for it. Nobody fucks with my shit. Not THAT shit. Fuck with my family - ok. Fuck with my MUD, the LAST thing precious to me, and YOU WILL PAY.
Anywho.. I was pretty upset. I didn't plan on death or anything. I'm not that kind of person. It did make me realize just how passionate I could be about something I love a lot. It's the only one left. It has the rest of my love; whatever's left over after love for myself and few others.
*end mid-story break #1*
Arrived. Mad people. Few girls. Bleh.
Drank beer. Watched Beer Pong (so Americana..). It even got capitalised outta respect.
Fun. Fun. More fun.
He was there, I swear.
(No.. I don't do drugs. Stop reading my blog. Jesus.. can't you people take a joke [suckers])
Party went on.
Pat got violent and took some swings at Matt and Phil for no apparent reason other than that they were able to stand and was maybe a bit jealous. Oh what fun times were had.
We had chinese food at some point, thus interrupting my very strict diet. Oh well. Start again tomorrow, it was a good long run.
And we left the party..
Loaded back in Phil's car, we drove off to Stony Brook.
We got lost somewhere out on Fire Island. Go Phil.
*mid-story break #2!*
Canadia called. Drunk Bunneh. "Alright", I thought. It would pass. Aballister said the MUD emergency was STILL in effect (this, like 5 hours later). "Well", I thought. He said Troela had been naked and locked out totally. "Fuck", I thought. That was about all I thought at that point. Then, I thought again. Many ways to perhaps fixed a "feature" like this, none of which I knew because I didn't know what the damn problem WAS to begin with and I suck at those things. So I said, "Screw it". I'd wait til me got home.
Canadia was on the phone still. It got cut-out in my time of thinking. No bother.
*end mid-story break #2*
Hit the LIE, we did, at some point.
We arrived back at Stony Brook, unscathed, very well traveled, and me somewhat still upset.
Walking back up to my room I was a bit worried with what I might have to face being back to my computer and possible a non-existent MUD (having assumed the worst). Well my char had been disconnected at some point for no reason, that worried me. But I logged back in just fine to scroll up and read the backlog of everyone on the MUD telling me that I'd been had. Those bastards. All that worrying (and all that damn liquor *pfftt*) just to find out it was all a practical joke. Well, good one all. My hats off to you. No one has ever pulled a better one over my eyes. My true friends, those involved surely know that this place, my MUD, is my new heart and soul, and that it will forever be until someone comes along and steals a bit of the SoA fuel. I won't ever forget them for what they've done, and someday, I may even meet them all and get back at them in very strange and awkward ways. In any event, it was a REAL experience, something that actually got me excited, worried, thinking (!!!), and emotional. It was _very_ cool and again, I can only tip my hat to my roasters on this one.
I was HAD! and it was awesome. Thanks to everyone for a very memorable night.
It was a fucking REAL Human Experience. So.. different.
Grey (4:27 AM)
Friday, November 07, 2003
-*The cat killed curiosity*-
I remember losing my first emotion. This came to mind again while I was talking to Bunneh on aim not 5 minutes ago. It's weird to have been talking about this so much to a friend or two lately and now posting it all here. It seems all very odd and planned like a big operation to lock me up. I know my friends love me and would make sure I get put into one of those really high-tech kinda wards. Yeah, so I couldn't bullshit my way out, like in High School. Man, I'd be raped like a white guy in D-Block.
Curiosity. I lost this one first. I remembered the exact moment, but then it went away. It might also be lost forever. Only time will tell.
More dreams will come tonight. Perhaps I will see a new place I might see one day. Yeah, a new place to explore in my mind, I know all the others. *sigh* Cast these chains from me light of morn.
Til the sunrise, I shall be waiting for The One.
Grey (3:25 AM)
-*Like a Stone*-
Yeah. Tonight I baked with Greg. We made all sorts of delicious treats. My arms feel heavy and my whole body seems effected doubly by the force of gravity.
The excitement. Can't wait to tell Greg about these cookies I'm feeling!
Grey (2:37 AM)
Thursday, November 06, 2003
-*I fell again*-
I almost cried today. I told someone.
Wasting my time.
Lift me back up to the sun.
Help me survive the bottom.
Do I love A Perfect Circle? Yes.
This album was written for me. I am convinced. It is mine. I am mine.
I love you A Perfect Circle, where ever you may be.
Leave happiness at the door. Enter my world. See the flesh, hate the man.
Never was the more pain in my world then at the instants during which I write this.
I have not chosen to live. I have not chosen to die. I have chosen to be the
pain-bearer. The absolute carrier of pain, able to measure it to an infinitesimal
Tomorrow I'll surrender to myself. Tomorrow may be years away. Whenever I wake,
there I'll be. Without anyone to help me up. I am alone. That, I have chosen now,
for there is no other choice. Stop reading this. Leave me alone.
Call that number and you'll find nothing you seek. You will find only pain in me now.
It will be a grand festival of suffering and anguish only the one's can endure.
See you tomorrow sun. Where ever I may be. When ever that may be.
When-so-ever I shall reduce. Dehuman all the same.
Grey (1:18 PM)
-*thoughts and shizzles*-
For some reason I am becoming stupider. You were right.
I have a few clues as to why. So does everyone else I know.
I can't seem to keep my thoughts focused on one thing anymore. I am no longer laffing or crying. I'm cracking now. Stage 2 or something it seems in this progression.
My mind isn't shattering though. My thoughts are just becoming harder to form and, in turn, understand. Lately I've beeen having many strange dreams. Some of them I know are propehices. Some of it looks wonderful, but on the whole it will become sour (apple?). Those things that seem wonderful now will become sour (tart?) as well.
I will wake up tomorrow and it will have either gotten worse or stayed the same. There is no improvement. She may have been right about the Our Father but I don't dare try it. No. Fucking. Way.
Greg says I should follow him tonight. I know I will. I know I want to. Nowhere is where I'll end up. It's a lovely place this time of year, why don't you come visit me there?
Greyland is becoming closer. It's my special place. It is where I belong. I will go there tonight, I "hope". I will see many things are feel new feelings and they will all become like dust in the wind, slaughter like a sheep among wolves, torn from the flanks, bleeding from the inside, awaiting the final, killing, blow.
No, I'm not depressed you silly fools. It's like reaching inside a box of chocolate and grabbing a piece you never took and swallowing that which you never began to chew.
I still care. I can still love. I can still breathe. I only know the last one for sure, as far as physics goes. The physical is not that which I appreciate dealing with but I do just good enough to keep my head above the water, or did. I'm not drowning, but the water is taking over my body and it is twitching with excitement of a new experience, a new place, a new feeling. I want to discover the emotion no one has ever felt. I will expect it to be the one hidden in the darkest corner of the deepest pool. If that pool is a sphere, I'll blame them for bad engineering. them, god, whoever. I am not to be judged anymore. I can no longer judge myself, but can I still judge others? Yes. No. No, no, and.. no.
Take me home from the dolphins now, it hurts a lot to not cry.
Does it hurt more to cry?
Once it did, and only once in my whole life.
You know when I cried, you were there.
But I wasn't.
I was swimming in that pool.
When I surfaced,
I'm still floating, just barely. I hate water. Tonight will not be remembered tomorrow. It will no longer be the ever-important "now". It will be the unimportant "then". Yes. I've figured out time travel. Excellent. If you still don't see it, I suggest you stand up, sit down again, and stare blankly at the page.
Goodbye fellow oblongs.
Grey (1:58 AM)
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Alrighty! As promised I will get this show on the road then. I was a bit busy catching up with all the work I never did yesterday, and still haven't done so now I will bring you the boring what-I-did-this-weekend post!!! (This post is gonna suck, I just woke up). It must be written before ze Germans get 'ere.
Thursday: What a long-ass car ride. With The Unclean One no less. Anyhow, we played some cell fone Family Feud (ghetto) and talked about a lot of things. We passed many towns, some familiar by name, some not and it was all very entertaining. Gulliver went with us so allowing me to supress my urge to strangle Butter Wench til she died from it. When we arrived in Rochester, we droppei G off and I headed down to Butter Wench's house to devise a plan to get away from her. Well, Sauce (some other guy) drove me to IHOP on some main road where Xerlic picked me up (yay!). Now I felt a bit more comfortable. We headed back to UoR and I got see Spock, but best of all, Wolpert!!!!! I even got to stay in his room and observe how the wild Wolpert lives! It was really awesome. I got to go to a Wegman's, Jay's Diner for some greasy food, and Krispy Kreme Dog-nuts where we got 4 free samples. Oh the power of chee.. questioning. At Wegman's, spock got these little bitch soda that totally weren't worth the price and got 2/3 the soda Xerlic got for 25% more money. Makes no sense to me, but Rochester in general doesn't and I think it affects your brain in certain ways.
Friday: Woke up, still in Wolpert's room (thank someone). At about noon I figure, Xerlic showed up with Pete (ey Pete). Some discussion took place leading to Pete simulating a whipping session between Wolpert and his g/f (scarily accurate). Anyhow, we got lunch at this Japaneses place. MmM was it yummy. Anyhow, I got too see the campus too, it was really gorgeous, and at night a lot of stars were visible! It was so fun! Wolpert went home on Friday, which sucked cuz I didn't really get to make fun of him too much, but eh, there was always Spock and his bitch-can sodas. We went to BK for dinner1 with Spock and I ended up making money back somehow when I paid for my food. Odd NTB DN's in the Roch. We also went to Wilson's and I got to play some Guilty Gear with a few guys I'd never met. I held my own, so I was at least satisfied. Afterwards, we were hungry so we hit up a nearby Taco Bell and took that back home with us and ate in the lounge. Xerlic and I had some fun talking and shit in his room that night, it was really cool to be chilling with him one-on-one again. I took a shower and crashed on his floor. All in all, a greyt day.
Saturday: I woke about 2pm. Wow I had slept a lot. Called up Urien. I spent the day at his place. We didn't go anywhere or anything but we talked about all sorts of cool shit that we're gonna do and have planned and all that for the MUD and our futures. This was my wind-down day. I enjoyed every minute of it and I was, I think, happy for the first time in awhile, genuinely happy. I said a lot of things I've been meaning to talk about to put things in pespective and heard a lot of stories from places I've been too and left and projects I never completed. It was really a lot of fun, honestly. He lived in the ghetto of Rochester which really added flavour to the day. I'd now seen Suburbia, Campus life, Off-campus life, parts of the city, AND the ghetto. Matt picked me up around 2am from Urien's place on Sunday.
Sunday: Well, in Greyland, technically, it's still Saturday, but I'll make Sunday's section a bit bigger by sticking to a proper timeline. We went to Denny's!!! AWWWW SHIIITTTt!!! Yeah, so I got some buffalo chicken tenders and a cheddar bacon cheeseburger. MmM I was so filled with food after that I wanted to hurl. Afterwards, we headed back to Matt's place, I got to shower again (my towel reeked from being wet and in my bag for a whole day, so that sucked), and I fell promptly asleep on a very cushy futon. It was really fun. Woke up 10h later, or so, to head over to "her" place to get going for the ride. We headed out around 2:30pm or so. The usual happened - "she" made a big deal about money situation (I was poor), and having stopped at Wendy's, she consumed a whole diet coke early in our journey and bitched about having to pee for most of the remainder of the ride. Oh joy. Well, a fitting end to a good weekend. I was very happy this weekend. I think I will be travelling a lot more.
What the future holds!
Tomorrow the gang and I are going to see Matrix Revolutions!
This weekend Greg and I are going to the Planetarium!
Someday I'll figure out what the fuck I'm doing. Awesome!
I'd like to take a moment to thank all the people who's lives I interrupted this weekend, especially Brad who didn't pick up a single text book to study and picked me up unexpectedly from IHOP, found me a place to stay two night, and drove me into the ghetto. Thank a shitload man, I owe you more than one.
Also, thank you Kristen for putting up with me both in the car ride and on the way home although I know you're not reading this nor should you be because it will make you mad at me. You're still a friend, I don't hate you because I can't hate anyone.
Thanks to Dave who put me at a computer for 12h, where I fel t very comfortable, surrounded by cute animals, you fed my pepsi and pizza that I never expected and were able to keep the fire of conversation lit. Man, it was real, be cool.
I'd also like to thank Matt for letting me shower!! Oh god yes! And picking me up and taking me to Denny's when I was in dire need of more food, and for giving me a place to stay in his own house. This Dirty Cuban thanks you.
Alright all, you know where the hate mail goes. Toodles!
Grey (5:12 PM)