Monday, November 10, 2003
-*Pure black, looking clear.*-
Didn't wanna post without talking to someone first.
I have a problem.
I think I have two, but only one is bothering me.
When certain events happened in my life lately, a part of my life just ended. My future stopped being motivated to happen. Now it just happens and there's never a pay-off to me anymore. Am I depressed about it? Dunno. Don't want to talk about it here. Nobody will care. People _want_ to care, but they _can't _ put aside the time to listen to someone in length. I wanted somebody to listen to me recently but I've never addressed my cases properly or been in a situation where it could come up easily. When I quit smoking cigarettes, a part of my life ended. This isn't really part of my problem. You see, I'm stoned right now - very stoned, and I don't mind saying it anymore publically. This is a problem. That's my second problem I will get to if I'm still awake enough to type. My first problem isn't that I'm very depressed. It's the outcomes thereof. I don't even feel the sadness anymore, it's just there all time time, but that's not it either. It's the fact that I'm peeling away, shedding skin away revealing the inner workings of myself and, never breaking paragraph, parts of me have been lost rapidly. Wht the fuck can I say in words!!! NOTHING. I can't even touch how I feel with ANY number of words and it drives me FUCKING MAD. IT'S MAKING ME FUCKING MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!
GAH!!!! The font is just not LARGE enough to say it FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!
Forget it, I'll probably want to remove this post and leave it for art or some BULLSHIT ideal someone thought of once. My inner workings are cynical and very much encompassed by the word "ASSHOLE" don't you think? Yeah, deal with it, that's who I am. Someone couldn't deal with it 13 times and I lost 13 friends. Thirteen close friends and now I don't give a shit if they rot or anything anymore because I stopped giving a rat's FUCKING ASS!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm angry right now. All my anger is in my head and through my fingers and being used to strike the keys like little extensions of my aura. They wobble like the strings in M Theory.
I have a problem. Now I am admitting it. Tomorrow is the last of it. I will dry myself out for the week and yearn to go home. How fucking greyt is that! Hah! I will probably crack sooner than expected, but I say that because I am losing it right no and I want to leap off the balcony and catch a hard updraft like in Tiny-Huge Island and be swept up and away straight into the sun where I will melt so fast, I won't have time to feel myself vaporize.
I will post a followup sooner for this post when I am not high. The state opposite to that one is 'sober' or 'straight' right? I haven't been there since the day I went to see Urien and that day was a GOOD, fun, awesome day. Last night was awesome too, but it was totally different than any one-on-one conversation. It was the polar opposite of it. hah. TwIcE.
If anyone wants to avoid me today, Monday, just sa y so and if I see you, I will not go to you. I do not want anyone feel an obligation to talk to me or need to see me, or want to be around me today, or any day between now and Friday or whatever. Wednesday is Dave Chappelle! However you people feel, you say that to me, brutally honest if necessary and I will listen and abide by your laws.
I didn't say what I wanted to say in this post - it became a rant. Sorry for wasting your time. I'm not addressing problem 2 either. Sorry I mentioned it or reminded you.
Goodnight those worse than me, I wonder how you all do it.
Grey (4:33 AM)