Tuesday, May 31, 2005
I haven't really been as upset or demanding on the inside as I've been writing lately. I think my subconscious is far more impatient than I am. Sometimes I feel as though my insides are trying to tear their way to their outside and manifest themselves as something more than I am prepared to handle.
What I have been is annoying and improper. While still managing to fetch approval from the one I share most my feelings with, I can't help but feel like everyone else is looking down on me somehow. Claiming hypocrisy would be too far out-reaching and telling me to chill out doesn't always seem like an appropriate way to approach me in the eyes of others. I like the way things are going right now, for the most part.
The rippling tide of words and feelings inside will only be smoothed out by the sharing going on right now and time well spent with who really matters. I do what I can and keep what I earn, emotionally and mentally. At times I really feel myself slipping but I know that if I just catch myself every time, then everything will work out for the best. All my love and all my patience will pay off and it'll all be just fine; this I know.
So I'm not going to worry and instead bathe in the time I have left - for me. Every day is a new day, closer to where I want to be, deeper into my life and farther from the beginning. Who am I and what is becoming of the person I used to be? Sad, lonely, depressed. Maybe inside I am meant to be all those things, but if I only focus on what I am supposed to be and not tend to what I could be, then I'll never blossom and become the man that wants to provide everything for who he truly believes in and loves.
Tomorrow is a new day. Joy for others and may a brighter light shine upon your day.
This is the conclusion of Forgiven Moonlight.
Grey (2:43 AM)
Saturday, May 28, 2005
I've been really out of it lately.
Detached. Outgrown. So fucking tired.
I'll admit, the run-around had me excited for awhile. The thought of something new and exciting was very appealing and kept my eyes on a target I could only partially see and I barely understood.
Now things are just back to the way they were to start with. Nothing changed. Still tired. Still restless. Still do the same old things and say the same old things. When's that gonna change huh? Eh, maybe I'm asking for too much in such a short time.
Still unsupported. Still avoided. Still confused. What sense am I to make of what has happened recently? Something that seemed like a light in a dark and narrow tunnel was nothing more than a flash gleaming off the shimmering puddles scattered along the ground. Too many ways to describe how I feel and no words fit the mode.
When nothing comes close but the experience itself, what then? That is where I feel I am at. Life is still the same, but I don't do anything to improve it because nothing can be done to improve it. I feel sick on the inside. I'm edgy, or grossed out, or something else, or both those things at the same time. When will it end. What do I want..
I want happiness. T want to smile. I want to hold and be held. I want to be able to show my love. I want to feel complete. I want a lot. I want to have my just desserts. I want to just go to sleep and never wake up sometimes. I want what joggy-smokey wanted. And I'd like it now.
Grey (2:43 AM)
Thursday, May 26, 2005
It's cold now, just as it has been the last few nights. I don't know how long it had been but when I woke my face was lying down in the snow. I shiver like a bad dream. I cough as though there will be no tomorrow. When I fell, I knew. Now I know..
It was unfair, like a storm on a warm summer day. Why him, it wasn't his time. He just wanted me to meet him there. I never got to meet her. It wasn't his time. It should've been me.
I went into the store to purchase an orange juice, and spoke with the clerk. Nothing new, but the face of that attendant. I thought he was so handsome, even for an indian man. He smiled as he handed me my change; thirty-seven cents. I walked out. Then. Just then.
Thrown back. Hurled through the air like a butterfly in the wind. Unconscious. Fire everywhere. A flip and a bang and I was out. As I went under, I felt as though I wanted to cry. Something inside me died just then.
I woke minutes later, a poodle's coarse tongue licking my face, my hair in disarray. A pack of Marlboro Reds clutched tightly in my right hand, empty. No one knew me, nor knew them. My son. His fianceé. What had happened? They tried to speak to me and I could hear them, but I could not understand. I staggered as I made it to my feet. I remember now so cleary, but not then.
I headed straight into the Kwik-Mart, for what I thought was the first time that day, to purchase a fresh pack of these red cigarettes. Everyone was in shock, but they didn't know me nor did they make any connections. I looked to my left, watching; seeing nothing. The dog, my saviour, came in with screaming customer as the door swung open. It demanded attention, so I picked it up. I started running, all the way back to the place I thought was home. No. Nothing here was real anymore, I had forgotten everything.
And it was unfair, like a storm on a warm summer day. He was my everything and he was taking me somewhere special, to be with friends and to visit her parents. It was for the best I thought. The cough won't go away now. Now I know..
..And my heart aches with unbearable pain. There was nothing, no father, no one to go home to. Just my new life. These cigarettes and that poodle, all that I seemed to know. Now all I have is a leash, a terrible memory, and no one to rescue me.
..And my heart is broken now. Pain I cannot feel anymore. I try to love but there is nothing left for me. I tried.
I tried so hard..
to to.. to love..
~The Epic Tales of Joggey-Smokey Lady, Volume 20
Grey (10:14 PM)
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
With so much coming to a close and so much still to start, I feel like it's time to start a new chapter again. It will take me a few days to get settled into my place still, and because I'm starting classes next week, I will continue to face challenges both academically and emotionally.
It seems now that things are getting back on track again and I am feeling a bit better now that I was just a day or two ago. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but comfort, anticipation, and security have something to do with it. Albeit none of these are represented to a high degree due to certain other factors on my mind and in my life, I still feel great about the upcoming months and what is to come in the near future.
To get off the droll topic of my life, I regret that I have not yet gotten around to posting JSL Volume 20. I promise that it will be posted within the next 7 days, possibly even the next 3, so check back in often as her story is becoming oh so very important and now that I am home, new things are happening constantly. I am always toying with new, entertaining ideas and even if only one of you out there actually reads any of this, it means something. More information will be posted after the strip is up. Have fun until then gang.
With much love,
Grey (3:50 AM)
Monday, May 23, 2005
It's been awhile since I've posted I realize. A lot has happened since I last spilled the beans on the page. School's out now, but I'm only going to go back in about 10 days for summer courses. I've moved into my new "apartment" here in Rockland and it's not bad. It's better than home that's for sure, and there's internet so I can't complain. The added advantage of limited-to-no contact with parents is also a bonus.
What hasn't changed in the way I feel. I still don't know what exactly is going in in my heart, or what decisions I want to have made yet. Actually, I'm positive of everything, to be perfectly honest, but another's doubt is causing me to feel depressed a bit. I know it's not anyone's fault but mine for feeling this way, but the fears that are preventing the next stages from happening aren't ever the topic of conversation and they really ought to be.
I know that people have doubts in their life, and they make stupid decisions to do stupid things with stupid people they don't even know, but you get over that and move on. You realize it doesn't make you a bad person, and I realized it doesn't make any else a bad person either. Yeah, I was hurt a little, but it wasn't anything major, or even minor for that matter. I sense that there are other things. Feelings of revisiting things, fearing that they will bring me pain because the risk is great. Well, I have a confession to make then, and maybe it is not obvious to some people.
I am lonely. Every day and every night and it haunts me. I have all this now, education, a place of my "own" for a little while, and am gonna get a good job and settle myself into a comfortable life. And all I want is to share that with someone. Someone who is willing to love me, appreciate me even though I am a little weird at times, and maybe not in the best of shape. But I am understanding, loving, and caring, and the people it matters most to know that for certain. Any risk is worth taking because you only live once. I don't care if I'd end up hurt again. I know for certain that I will not be the one to hurt anyone else, and I will not let myself be hurt by someone else again, but even so, I am willing to take the chance, take that risk with someone that knows what she wants and can't even say it to my face. What are you waiting for huh? Me to tell you what to do? You already know what you want and how to get it, for the most part. Just do it. Do it, and be happy like you have always dreamed you could be, because you fucking deserve it dammit. You fucking deserve it.
Grey (1:56 AM)
Sunday, May 08, 2005
A lot of things come to mind lately and many of them weight heavily upon my face. A star, a moon, and a hole. I know how big. Deepening wounds are closing up on the surface, but underneath, mending the gashes is not so easy.
I don't know exactly why I feel this way. Maybe it's because things ache inside. There is a feeling of yearning. Yearning for something to arrive. When will I have my come-uppance? My patience is tried.
It is tested.
It is failing.
Patience can wear only so thin.
It's almost 6AM and I am in pain. My mind aches, my body throbs and shivers. I keep a knowingly false hope that something, someone maybe, will wash it all away and bring things back to a level that I can handle on a daily basis. Still tasks hover overhead, looming above me, crushing me down into an unmanageable size in which I cannot grasp at the star the same way. The moon pays me no heed, ignoring all that was once a smile, a shudder of ecstasy, and a cry of joy.
Catch me now for I am falling.
I am but a shadow.
Deeper down goes the hole.
Grey (5:45 AM)