Monday, May 23, 2005
It's been awhile since I've posted I realize. A lot has happened since I last spilled the beans on the page. School's out now, but I'm only going to go back in about 10 days for summer courses. I've moved into my new "apartment" here in Rockland and it's not bad. It's better than home that's for sure, and there's internet so I can't complain. The added advantage of limited-to-no contact with parents is also a bonus.
What hasn't changed in the way I feel. I still don't know what exactly is going in in my heart, or what decisions I want to have made yet. Actually, I'm positive of everything, to be perfectly honest, but another's doubt is causing me to feel depressed a bit. I know it's not anyone's fault but mine for feeling this way, but the fears that are preventing the next stages from happening aren't ever the topic of conversation and they really ought to be.
I know that people have doubts in their life, and they make stupid decisions to do stupid things with stupid people they don't even know, but you get over that and move on. You realize it doesn't make you a bad person, and I realized it doesn't make any else a bad person either. Yeah, I was hurt a little, but it wasn't anything major, or even minor for that matter. I sense that there are other things. Feelings of revisiting things, fearing that they will bring me pain because the risk is great. Well, I have a confession to make then, and maybe it is not obvious to some people.
I am lonely. Every day and every night and it haunts me. I have all this now, education, a place of my "own" for a little while, and am gonna get a good job and settle myself into a comfortable life. And all I want is to share that with someone. Someone who is willing to love me, appreciate me even though I am a little weird at times, and maybe not in the best of shape. But I am understanding, loving, and caring, and the people it matters most to know that for certain. Any risk is worth taking because you only live once. I don't care if I'd end up hurt again. I know for certain that I will not be the one to hurt anyone else, and I will not let myself be hurt by someone else again, but even so, I am willing to take the chance, take that risk with someone that knows what she wants and can't even say it to my face. What are you waiting for huh? Me to tell you what to do? You already know what you want and how to get it, for the most part. Just do it. Do it, and be happy like you have always dreamed you could be, because you fucking deserve it dammit. You fucking deserve it.
Grey (1:56 AM)