Tuesday, April 26, 2005
tired. lonely. lost.
Grey (7:41 PM)
Friday, April 22, 2005
Lately I've been considering moving the blog to a different stage again, but just the other day some words came to me that I didn't want to hear and I don't want to have any part of anything like that.
I'm going to be on my own for awhile after school, and probably even longer after then. What I want, I'm not getting, and my window of opportunity to others has pretty much closed now. I still feel what I feel, but I'm no longer in the mood to pursue anything to progress those feelings. What I was told the other day by another person was that they felt for me in a way I could not return. A sticky situation for me, and a disgusting one as well.
No one knows me, not even the ones that have gotten to know me so "well" in the past few years. No one has ever really cared enough to ask me how I feel about this or that or get my opinion of things. Frankly, I don't share anything with anyone either, and I dislike chit-chat. I want engaging conversation, I want love, sure, but what's it matter? It doesn't. Love obviously isn't strong enough to keep the things I want together anymore. I'm losing belief in it. I don't think I will ever say that word again.
I'm going down now,
fast and furiously into a void.
A void of no return.
I'm tired of the ways things are and it's not that I don't have patience. But right now, I'm not interested. Nothing to keep me interested or hooked, so I don't believe it's going to happen the way I'd like. No lovey-dovey stuff, no understanding, no chit-chat, no games. ReHuman is as far away now as it was in the beginning.
Grey (11:52 PM)
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
In a dark and dreary hour the light sheds an old, oppressed opinion on the meaning of life. Is it this that I deserve now? Why, I ask. But none come to respond. It seems as though words fall upon deaf ears and the splattering of bloody tears upon my hands offer no reply.
Do they act together or in another unforeseen way? Perhaps it is just my thinking that has induced these thoughts. Tomorrow has never brought faith back into the mix. Simply put it is another day on the witchhunt. Another time for the righteous to bring forth the accused; martyrdom is not too far from godliness to those people. But it is not their lives they sacrifice, merely, their identities. They wish only to be seen favourably, and thus, are seen the way others would wish them to be seen, handing them all the answers, but untruthful answers at best.
I am a shadow now.
I hide in the unlit places, in the corners of the most secluded, roundabout minds. I linger for a short time only, soaking in only the most choice cuts of life and gathering them in this box, so that I might one day construct the perfect homunculus, both in mind, and in spirit.
I was a shadow then.
Remaining unforeseen to most, the cog of my plan had only begun to turn. I gathered my resources and shoved them into the body I most desired them to control. Predetermined now is the fate of such a being, encompassing all the pasts of only semi-perfect beings. Even I awaited the tail to unfold itself as I pulled the lever. A birth never before witnessed by mankind, a story of immeasurable value and equally as inconceivable truth. I rested then. I watched and I waited.
I am a shadow forever.
Maintaining my prejudices was the most difficult for me. I left my life in search of something greater, something I could not give. A heart. One of my own, for myself, to be given only to the most precious of adorers. I found this. It slipped and fell, tumbling down the plateau's rocky siding, taking the breath of my life away. I rested again, wiping those bloody tears from my eyes, wishing there were something more I could have done for her.
I am a shadow now.
The day had come to watch my plan come to beautiful fruition. The perfect life, preserved in the perfect body. Her mind, soul, and spirit, purer than the whitest snow, cleaner than the newest bedspread. But I could not confront that which was truly mine. When the procedure was done, I left her, vowing to watch only from the shadows, my most beautiful body, my purest soul. I gave her the best of the world, the best I could find because that is what she deserved, truly. A life given, and one taken away. This was the way it had to be..
I am a shadow forever.
This is my life. The life of a believer. The life of a man who truly loved, who truly cared about the sanctity of life. But never could I share even one kind word or but one sweet kiss. I remain a shadow, for that is my destiny. A shadow forever shall I be to her, that perfect being, created of love and purity, like none the world could ever fathom. I cry 'til my eyes flow with more than tears. I am a shadow.
Is it this that I deserve now?
Why, I ask.
But none come to respond.
Grey (3:32 AM)
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Well things haven't been the best lately, but mostly I blame that dumb game I keep playing. I'm sure I'll tell the story here, but it probably won't do much because it's mostly a plea to have the past back and I know that that won't ever happen. Too much crap is going on in my life right now, in mind and body, to worry so much about stupid pointless things. But I think I am at the very least entitled to annoyance.
Xerlic left FFXI this week and I didn't really say goodbyes to him on the game, but then again, our hellos have sort of been few and far in between. I feel like, as friends, we've gone past those things and introductions and farewells are no longer necessary. Being a man of realistic, non-traditional practices, I feel like that's progress. But something inside me is still missing on the game. I don't want to be there anymore either. It's tiring both day in and day out.
Last Thursday I was in the process of posting JSL Volume 20, when lo and behold, blogger was undergoing some "secret" maintenance. As I hit the publish button, I waited and waited. The page loaded with an error. The entry hadn't been posted and the back button had no answers. So, I lost the post. It took about four hours to type up (I'm not exaggerating), and it took quite some time to draft a little in text file to really get the juices flowing. I wrote the perfect journal. It had all the answers and none of the resolve. I thought it was great and I read it several times to make sure. But I have just one thing to say about it: Thanks blogger for fucking it up, really. That's what you get for free blogging.
I've been thinking about what is going to happen this summer and I become flush with the thought of change to the point that it makes me sort of delirious and sick to my stomach. I'm alone. As much as I like my time alone, it's because I'd rather not spend it with the people that live in that house. I don't want family "vacations" or Christmas gifts. I don't want garage-sale clothes or left-handed calendars. I want to get away, be away from them entirely and they don't understand that. To them, we are a family and we're supposed to stick together even in the obvious event that we all hate each other openly. At least, that's how it is between my parents and I. I'm not tired with it anymore, I'm absolutely disgusted by it. I need to get away from them. I need to finish school, get out of that house, and go somewhere I really belong and not tell them. No, it doesn't bring a tear to me eye, or make my heart skip a beat. Maybe I'm cold-hearted, sure. Maybe I'm devoid of understanding how other's feel. You know what I have to say to those replies? I'll tell you what I have to say:
"If you feel a certain way, you shouldn't have to hide that from people, especially those whom your emotions target. If you're not honest and open about how you feel then you'll never get what you truly want and never reach any resolutions in your life. No one can do everything alone, sometimes you need to reach out and touch someone, even if it means telling them you hate them."
I'm a happy person on the inside, but there are many things missing in my life and to list them would be a self-indulgent jerk-dom. (figure that one out. heh. yeah.).
Help me because I'm getting to the point of no return and I don't want to go back there. Help me because..
Grey (4:12 PM)
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
I've been thinking a great deal lately about the future and the past (less so). I wrote up a few small tidbits elsewhere, spatterings of ideas and whatnot, but I didn't feel it would be appropriate to share them myself. Nothing about negativity or anything our words that do not belong, simply a lack of order and things that would not make sense even to the most avid philosopher; they don't make sense to me even now re-reading them.
Something feels as thought it is missing now. As I said to Xerlic earlier, it's not a feeling of loss, but rather a feeling that I never had the one thing I really always wanted. Even more confusing is the fact that I can't pinpoint what it is exactly. What goal am I working toward now? I feel a distinct sense of lost identity inside now, as I struggle to maintain what little composure I have and slowly slip into the mold of society. I resist everything, but I'm not doing it on purpose. I just don't belong here. I know this and have never doubted it.
There are other things to say, but right now a friend of mind I haven't seen in a few weeks dropped by so I'm gonna go chill with him and shoot the shit. Take care.
Grey (11:21 PM)
Monday, April 04, 2005
Readiness is a key element in the process of life. Potentially, these things inside have the chance to blossom into a most fruitful apparition of what they actually are. One could see why life is so difficult at times and easier at others. Simple terminology requires more punctuation and the breath of the forthcoming must be as a sweeping wind to the subjects at hand to garner a greater outcome between all the players involved.
What is a personality? Is it a function of the predisposed feelings and notions of someone. If acquired improperly or merely the improper things are taken onto one's self, does this make for a sour soup? The ways in which we sweeten our lives, enhance our flavour, is not something easily obtained. Having horrible tastes for the subjects at hand, being unfair to the fair-challenged, are ways in which to enact revenge upon those that are unjust toward others.
Spewing forth a new genre of love and disdain, we revisit past loathings and markers of happiness. What more could one ask for? If it were givable, it would be passed from the gifter to the giftee. Please, be one with ourselves. Bring back something wanted between the moon and the sky. A peaceful moonlight blue represents more than the pale shimmer upon glassy rock and dull images skewed upon the ground, each giving its own shade and form to the scene we view.
Happiness yet to be drawn, as a semi-circle desperately seeking its missing pieces. Like a heart split in twain, or a building torn asunder by an unfair judge of character. What of the housefly without a home. I am such now; wanting more than the tree presents on a quiet Christmas morning. Leave it all behind to complete yourself now. Take a risk worth pursuing, be realistic, wholesome, and true to yourself. What more could one do for one's self in such? Yes, the step must have come before the staircase. Try this. For you. For me. For them.
Grey (1:06 AM)
Friday, April 01, 2005
I am very tired of rumours.
I am very tired of bullshit, heartache, and fucktards.
To the people who have issues with me and feel it's best either not to resolve them or confront them in a manner that is drawn entirely upon assumption, then fuck you.
P.S. Joggey-Smokey has been delayed this week. You can blame said assholes.
Grey (12:24 AM)