Sunday, May 30, 2004
I had a very exciting and relaxing weekend with a few of my friends this weekend. Joe, Matt, Chase, Phill, Lindsay, Fred, Britt, and I hung out on Thursday night at Phill's place (about 6h west of Rockland on the Southern Tier) in Olean, NY. I had been hesistant to go but Lin and Joe convinced me it would be worth my time and might be good for me tag along. So, Thursday afternoon Lin drove up to my place with her Montana license plates, Fred riding shotty, and Britt in the backseat. I put my bag in the trunk and off we went on a fun-filled road trip across New York state so we could spend time with people we'd seen a little over a week ago in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere. We made due with an i-pod, a pit stop in Elmira, and a whole lot of jokes.
That night we, and by "we" I mean "they", had a few beers and I lounged around sipping my Woodchuck, which I was surprised to find there in the first place. I was happy. I got over being bored and it really was awesome.
Friday we went to Friendly's around noon for lunch and at 4:30 we went to the movies and saw The Day After Tomorrow, which while being a good movie and all, was littered with only mostly correct scientific jargon and some strange plot wholes that couldn't be plugged if they handed you a cork with your ticket. That night about a dozen more people showed up, some that Phill knew, and some he didn't. He knew then we were in for a pretty good party. Most of my time was spent on the back porch with 'Party A' which comprised of my traveling team - Lin, Fred, and Britt (whose name I am unsure is spelled with one t or two..). 'Party B' mingled in the house, meandering from garage to kitchen, sipping beer along the way and being social with eachother. At points, representatives from Party B attempted brief communication with those of Party A and some even became honorary members of Party A, the names of which I don't recall because I did not care to recall because it wouldn't matter if I knew them to tell you because you wouldn't care anyway either. Anywho, it was a fun time. There was even some Texas Holdup, red hot venison chile, 120 cans of Miller Lite, beer pong, the one aggravating drunk kid, and the trademark artificial platinum blonde who thought that she would die if a drop of beer got in her lungs.
All in all I did have a good time although I was uneager to show it as usual. My soul was lifted a bit and I feel as though I can begin to meditate normally again really concentrate on soulseeking. Even upon arriving home I was greeted by two cute girls who I am in the process of getting to know. Apparently they found my profile on MSN member directory.
Things are looking up and in two weeks there's a Bacardi Party at Fred's place. I will mot definitely be attending that event as long as the weather is fair then. After that, there may be another party sometime in June, and Stefenstock coming up on July 31st, I hope. I'm sorry for lack of planning, but it's not really so much a party as getting together to drink a little alcohol and generally chat about what's going on and getting to know new people that show up this year. If my parties are as low-key as I am, then I'm in for a lot of happy times. Thank you for praying for me, I felt it in my soul that night.
Cheers to second chances, renewed car insurance, and Mase (go Lin-dog)
Grey (12:47 AM)
Thursday, May 27, 2004
I have spent the last two days trying not to be frustrated with my life. It hasn't been very successful, not at all. It is Wednesday night now (Thursday morning to you normal people) and I recall a week of nuisance now. I'm not going to complain about it here on the blog anymore, nor to myself in real life, nor to anyone who I thought cared at any point in time, or to any of my so-called "friends", or to any of the people I will see, sooner or later, this weekend.
My failures stem from not getting enough exercise I think. My brain can't think. The television is always on now, and it faces me on a strange 39 degree (mebbe) angle from my computer seat. There has been a three-quarters filled glass of water on my desk for I-don't-even-know-how-many days now but I can tell it's been there awhile as small bubbles litter the side, clinging to the glassy prison.
I tried to look for the futon's model number today. I figured I need to get on my horse about ordering that middle front peg-leg so I can start sleeping on that thing like it's my bed again and get rid of this old crap bed which has actually been treating me pretty well lately as it has alleviated my back pain somewhat. The number was quite out of reach, but the label in which it was printed flirted with me a bit today. It appears as though it is placed at the exact place in which a bar crosses right over it. The support bar for the piece goes right across the front of the label and all I can see is the very top part of it that reads 'MADE IN CHINA'. Not only is the label informative, but it is also very clever having placed itself in the stupidest of places possible. So, I gave up on the futon today. I need some allen wrenches.
I am out of hydrocodone. Tuesday night I peered into the bottle, spying four unused, untouched pain-relieving medicine pills. I decided I'd take them all and be mega-stoned that night and maybe even have a good dream or two. Sleep - I did that alright! I went to bed about 1:30am, relatively early for my summer sleep schedule, and did not wake on Wednesday until about 4pm. And this wasn't any of that crappy wake-a-few-times-but-fall-back-asleep kind of sleep. Hellllll no! This way punched-out-by-Mike-Tyson kinda sleep. The result was an overabundance of sleepiness all day and an early bedtime that night as well (~midnight).
Yesterday I formatted my computer. I cleared up my G drive and placed all my FF games on share again for the aim users and DC++ hubs. My mp3s will be there too, as soon as I move them back to their old spot again to share, as will my pictures.
My parents have been acting different lately, and it is beginning to worry me even though the changes appear to be for the better (in some cases). My mother has actively begun calling me everyday and coming home a little earlier to talk to me about my life. She is becoming more like a counselor than a mother, but I think I'm okay with that as long as she doesn't start imposing any motherly-type things in with that stuff. She admitted to not ever really listening to me save for big life decisions that she claims she did not want to alter anyway, like choosing my major, place of schooling, whom i was seeing, etc. She has been very patient and compassionate about the things I have said in the past week maybe in an attempt to make-up for all the years she didn't seem to care at all. As for my father he is still flakey about everything. I told him I had plans on Monday, he made plans *for* on Wednesday (yeah, that was tonight. funny how that works..). I was adamant about my positions, but he pulled his old assholic bullshit to try to guilt trip me for doing nothing. He even threw in the ol' you-don't-take-out-the-garbage-bit. Time and time again I have tried to make it clear to him that I only live here 4 months out of the year and that if he wants me to take out the garbage all he needs to do is ASK me, not assume I am just going to do it. That would be like him assuming I'm just going TO do it because I moved back in last week and I would be so eager to put trash on a curb because I've missed it so. Man, these people. Just ask me and I'll do it. Tell me like two or three days ahead and I'll take care of it. Why is that so difficult? *shrug* beats me..
To any of those people who feel I have been a total jerk lately - ok. That's cool. I probably have been somewhat starved for talking, but only to one or two of you. It's not like Brad calls me, or IMs me, or any of that bullshit. He's too busy playing FFXI for that, and his summer classes, too, I guess. About a handful of people have been actively talking to me, and while I appreciate your words and do (usually) enjoy talking to you, I need a break from MUD-talk every so often. I know this does no good as nobody reads this anyway, but I thought I'd mention in the event some sort of grape-vine exists wherein people actually convey my words. Glenn calls me about every other day, which is cool, but I find I have nothing to talk to him about anyway. He lives on Long Island, he has a girlfriend, a part-time job, goes to class 6h a day or so, is active at the church, and plays bass in a band and still manages to call me. I think he's nuts, to tell you the truth, but he's still a good friend I guess.
I don't want to hear about anything I'm not interested in anymore. I remember a time when I was more patient about the things in life. I was medicated then, happy, understanding, unlonely, and was considered a good listener by most. If it doesn't concern me, and if I don't ask about it, then I don't wanna know about it anymore. This goes for movies I haven't seen, games I haven't played or no longer play, people I couldn't care less about, and things of this nature. I'm not trying to be a "prick", I'm just trying to rid myself of things I don't want to think about needlessly. Seriously guys, live your lives and let me live mine. Sure, yours may suck, and mine may suck more or less than yours, but unless you're asking me far advice, don't pour your sobberies down my pants and I'll return the favor. Thank you to my lack of friends. Later.
Grey (2:44 AM)
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Sitting alone for a long time allows one the time to analyze his actions and ideas in ways that can be more helpful than discussion of them with a friend. This is not to say I have overcome my loneliness or anything silly like that, but I think I have learned to provide myself ample time-filling activities for the soul. I have not yet begun to fully understand how to soulseek, but I am slowly working on reaching new heights in meditation and progress for the game that I know I still want and love.
I know that I have been harsh on those who have not seen the same visions that I have and have even outcast many of the people who in the past had wronged me. They will stay as such as I still have found no use for them, but I wish not to further shut out any of those whom might still have a chance to become a willing member in my project.
The lack of friends has received me the gift of time, thought, and showered me with sprinkles of creativity and an acute craving for accomplishment. Although I am certain to be alone for sometime in the future, and even moreso thereafter (!), I know I will survive as long as no bus is involved.
Developing habits of speech is becoming an integral part of understanding the language of the dark, where I discover the most blinding of truths hidden behind hallowed doors near old wishing wells and mouse traps concealed under white sheets. I have yet to find any keys to unlocking success or find any clues to solving the great mysteries of the world. In other words I'm making zero ground, but I feel as though I am getting closer to something, anyway.
I have bee invited to come along to an afterschool party this weekend. I am reluctant to go. Choosing to travel would voluntarily ruin my very delicate social life right now (er.. none?) and I would hate to disappoint myself come Monday when I wake back in my lonely room, devoid of familiar voices once again. I know I should go though, because I may never see these people again and it would be "good" for me, so says mom. I will probably choose to go against rational judgment, ruining any homeostasis of silence that exists herein. Shoot me now *gag* It's not that I don't like anyone. It's just that I hate them.
Next week I begin my therapy. I am under the impression that all will go well for the first few days and I see only clouds past a fortnight. I need to let go of that which I fear the most - positive regard. Don't tell me I'm good at something unless you know damn well how good someone can really be at it. And since that isn't something anyone knows, shut up.
Stumble down the rabbit hole will I time as "now" this. I like them. I really do..
Grey (2:09 AM)
Sunday, May 23, 2004
Having reflected on my lack of patience I've come to realize I no longer have even the smallest drops I felt I might still be able to squeeze out, should I need it.
The MUD is dying.
Nobody cares. And don't pretend to now because you haven't been there the past 3, 2, or even this year. What about the last 10 months? 6? Anything? Nah, not at all. The staff has dwindled to about 5 active members now.
Those fools who play that other stupid MUD claim they can be wizards on Seasons and play there, and yadda-yadda. I gave two more fools chances last month, spent a lot of time talking to them, teaching them, showing them around, and for nothing. What do they care? What do I care anymore? I just want to finish my projects to perhaps get some satisfaction out of my self-appointed duties. But, then I realized that 'you know what? Even if you finish your 4 or 5 areas, you still have no MUD to open. Even if you finish your paladin guild idea, which sounds great to other ears, and your dark templar guild, and finish temporal mages, you still won't be able to open.'
So I'm finished. I no longer want to do this either. Am I working for something so useless now, actively, because I have nothing else to spend my time on? Yeah, probably. All the people that said they would care, should care, and maybe even tried to care all left. Most even went back to playing that other lame MUD. Yeah, and then they tag my board, e-mail me, and check our forums and ask me 'So Grey, when is Seasons going to be open?'. I'm never answering this question after right now.
WE AREN'T GOING TO OPEN BECAUSE WE HAVE FIVE FUCKING STAFF MEMBERS SO STOP ASKING ME. IF YOU WANT TO HELP, BE A FUCKING WIZARD AND DON'T DARE DISRESPECT ME AND THE REST OF THE ADMINISTRATION BY PLAYING ON AOD WHILE WIZZING ON SOA BECAUSE I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN, CHEW YOU OUT, AND THEN NUKE YOU. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ALL THAT OR SHOULD I MAKE THE FONT BIGGER?
That felt good then, but it doesn't anymore. You fucking people and your dumbass questions. Want to play a game with me they say, want to learn from me they say, want to try their luck with this they say. Well, guess what - everyday that passes is not one day closer to us opening, but one day closer to us shutting down due to lack of interest. If you wanna know the truth, YES it pisses me off because I tried to make the MUD an important part of my life for the past three years and I've seen all the people that 'cared' leave me alone and now I don't even know any of the staff there at all.
Don't humor me anymore people, I am sick of all of you who say you are trying to help, or will be there to learn from me. You people don't pay attention for more than five minutes then go log on AoD and forget about Seasons for months at a time, then log back in, wonder why you're no longer a wizard, and ask me why. I'll tell you why -
Worthless people. So, f'ing worthless. Stressed you say? You don't even know the HALF of it. Try feeling how I feel for a change all you people who say you're my friend. Never asking me what's wrong or trying to help me out. No, I didn't want your help because you were always so reluctant to give it to me anyway that if I had taken it you'd have regretted it shortly after. All fake, all of you who play there and try to wiz on my MUD. Whatever. Live your lives and do me a favour and don't ask me when the fuck we're opening because we probably won't.
Grey (12:58 AM)
Friday, May 21, 2004
The first day has ended. I will not say that this life of mine has run its course of fun yet. Boredom has become my unwanted ally and the poacher of fun has had its come-up-ance. If you never deny truth entry into your home, you'll never have to ignore the doorbell. It is nearly time for me to make a decision that will effect the entire course of my life. It is not yet, but the day approaches quickly, as if without mercy and respect for my will which stands as upright as it can with all the might of my injured soul.
My journey through the reality that has been the lie of three years will come to a completion in only one of two possible ways. I will choose either to pursue another course of action entirely or return to the ways I dislike the most in my life. I have been asked to stay, she said. At the time I was shocked to hear the first true words, spoken from the heart, in a very long time. I fear that I will disappoint her, though, and she will perhaps shed a tear, or ask to come see me. True friends have always been difficult to come by and for that I will regret the decision my soul desires to make above all.
I remember the words as clear as the night was then. Honesty, a vision, inevitability. I had foreseen the events that were taking place only days earlier. I had hope that I would hear otherwise, or that the scene were different. Failed hope stings terribly; this I Know. I nearly lost one, but my body was too stubborn and mind hardened to ever to let that happen again. Then, the heart only blackened. I placed my torso over the edge, as if to vomit for the first time in ages; I was sick then, suddenly. I hated to hear the words, but I knew I could not hate the bearer. I love her as if she was were my own sister. I fear I cannot stay, but it is not because the reasons are not "good" enough. The reasons were all I needed once to accommodate those in need of my attention; the misguided coming to me, a wanderlust, lost within his own reason and fleeting "wisdom".
No longer do I want to help those who come forth. Yes, I have finally grown sick of listening to all the problems of those who are ungrateful in the end. My schoolmates are distant to me - all but the one who cared. She asked me to stay. She said that which she wanted to, selfishly, and finally understood how to penetrate the hardened mind. If there is a reason that I require, to drive me, to make me feel as though I am once again denying my well-being in accommodation, then let it be this one. One has finally realized how highly I prize the truth and the presence of the selfish soul to, without warning or courtesy, ask for a chance to finish something that has been jointly started when one of those souls feels as though he can no longer go on.
I will require more time to reflect on my answer. I will require the cold solitude offered by my air conditioner, the icepack against my body, and a tall glass of apple juice. I am unaware, I have become aware of, that it becomes difficult for one to make a good choice when one fails to see whether one has ever made one or not. I have observed chances increase with experience. Experience with true friendship is one that has always injured more aspects of my own life than it has healed. To this I often wonder if I had ever had a taste of such truth and I am deeply inclined to deny myself the comfort of a simple 'yes'.
Many pains now rise from within. Many I no longer feel. I have become learned in the ways of measurement to an even greater extent and no longer feel the need to stop and experience the pleasures of life to defeat that which has only proceeded in making my life more difficult with each and every stupid, selfish, and evil passing day. No.. I don't need to feel happy to make up for the pain. Happiness is an emotion unrelated to my healing now, in many ways, and flourishes in its own merits. The day I look forward to is one in which loneliness is no longer something I must avoid, but something that is simply a way of my life. Whichever person feels they can accomplish that will receive the attention once-belonging to the selfish interrogators, leaching all the can from my mind while they have but a few minutes of my attention.
News Flash: I am worn the fuck-out of everyone asking for my god-damn advice. What's so good about it anyway huh? Look where it has gotten me - lazy, thrown out of college, depressed, painful, lonely, and most of all hated. If you don't care enough to listen back, then don't bother asking me any fucking questions because I'm tired of being used by you people. Find somebody else whose mind you can seek comfort in, you've already taken all of mine. The virtue of patience no longer dwells here.
I hope all the right people have read my words tonight. Maybe they're just words, but to those who have tried to understand me and have seen me for who I am then perhaps you would like to be the translator for all the other idiots I have been surrounded by. Goodbye and good riddance to all the friends who called me a friend but never once acted like one.
Grey (5:25 AM)
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Back in Rockland. This is, as some would say, teh suck.
There is nobody here to hang out with except my sister and that is pathetic.
I will have to make a decision soon about what I will be doing with the rest of my life. I am considering a different major and also a totally different route to college. I don't want to go local. I don't want to go at all unless it's back to Stony Brook where I know I have acquaintances I can chillax with. The housing situation for next semester is pretty sweet, but I do not think I will choose to return to Stony Brook. There are too many personal issues I must deal with and overcome first. I may take a semester off, I may just get hit by a bus (if only). I am very weak and uncaring and it has caught up to me now and I will suffer for it.
Tomorrow morning I have oral surgery. All four of those badass impacted wisdom teeth will be yanked out while I am under the influence of heavy medication which, If I hear correctly, will sedate me to the point of being stoned for the next, oh, say 2 weeks. I like this deal a lot, but there's a lot of blood loss involved as well. 'tis a sacrifice I will have to make. More of lesser burdens.
If anyone in Rockland is reading this and I don't know you, but you want to hang out, let me know.. I probably won't want to meet you at all for I am beyond anti-social now, but I won't mind IM'ing (I think). Leave a comment or tag le conseil.
Muskrats and paedophiles? *shudder*
Note: The above post sucks.
Grey (7:43 PM)
Thursday, May 13, 2004
-*alluva-piece mischeee-vious dander*-
Tis a pity
she spoke, she said.
To play chess
upon the hard, glass bed.
No wonder left
for her demise
a 15-year old compromise
to bring unto the grass
a shred of dignity
in a world of pure,
I have not asked, the night, for advice yet. I figured I would wait until my roommate was asleep to mellow in this moonlight hour, and seek the winged foe to devour the sins of physics. Once I was happy myself. I threw this curse upon the ground and stamped it out like a small envelope of nurturing flame. The heart is cold, the wind is warm. Le vere de'scoldarian seeks to melt my soul upon the sticky girth that is the dawn of western man. Ugh, why does it have to be so fucking hot. I piddled and faddled away from knacks and repaired the spinny salvation, breeze-carrier! Technique was this that stole the driver to turn and turn until fixed upon my eyes were lain the magic that was warmish chill. Glenn was too lazy to do anything about it.
Stony Brook is still a fad of the times it seems, but who knows for how long.
Wish me not to faith un-breathing to stay upon the cement,
a heathenistic approach, at best,
to drive my spirit to a rest
outside where-in the air is cool
and cover girls not bought and sold,
but screams upon the high-night hour
are struck upon a chord gone sour,
and to the betrayal of silence add the slingshot water-balloons,
to hit the floor upon the ground,
and make a loud, splatting sound.
That wasn't meant to be put into prose at all, so I'll stop that now. Developments have come about and writing has lost its fancy once again. Retired did I from QC of Friday past week. I tired of the mail, the questions, the responsibility I wasn't "cut out" for, so passed it along, I did, to the person I felt was most deserving. Needless to say, it feels greyt to be free again (to study?) from the pangs of qualitous control. I wish some of the old family would come back. Like Alarielle, Serenity, Xerlic, Aballister, Juele, Psionimoe, and maybe even that annoying kid Valsire (maybe I'm too hasty..). But one cannot wish for things to look up, and can only look forward to the downward crushing that is the fallence of gravitous force-mongering. I guess what I'm trying to say is 'people grow up'(?) but they never get too far from the truth of failure, fortune, and freak-accident, by-chancing, be-twixin' the air itself.
Now it is time. No more red-balloon fishie-by's, notepad ansembles, or pencil shaving collection breweries (alchemists are overly fascist). Yeah. It's time to meditate.
Grey (2:03 AM)
Thursday, May 06, 2004
The APC show on Saturday kicked ass. Fred and I headed home on Friday afternoon to catch some downtime at my place before heading to the show the next day. We met Kaa there and his girlfriend Kim, whom I had not had the pleasure to meet until now. That was a fun, relieving weekend, and although I did no schoolwork over the weekend, it felt good to cram in two essays and studying for two exams last night and a little this morning (not so much this morning ^_^).
School is going as well as can be expected. I have submitted a petition to withdraw from one course, late. In the past month or so it has been difficult having to deal with the ever-nearing lonely summer. It seems as though I have no real friends anymore and the anxiety finally caught up to me coupled with thoughts of failure and determinism.
On Saturday I was diagnosed with stress-induced hypertension. I know, it sounds like a big word for 'headache' but it is a moderate form of anxiety. Headaches occur, yeah, and they're fucking terrible when they do. I have been quiet about it and have been mildly mellow the past few days, using the ailment to my advantage with the judiciary committee and keeping a low profile with my friends here at school.
Tuesday was my birthday, and thank you to all who remembered (Glenn). I kept it from everyone else because it is a hassle to hear shitty phrases like 'happy birthday' and 'hey, now you're legal' all day. I need all the headache-avoidance I can get at this point. I have not been stressing out on the surface but my abuses have started to wax. I dislike confrontation as it is.
To everyone struggling to get by these days: I am starting to understand what it means to suffer. It is what I wanted and it will not be hard-won, this battle. I sympathize somewhat in the endeavor to obtain balance and variety in life. No, I don't care about the happiness yet, still, I pretend I do not feel the pain of myself and others, and I do not wish to shed light on that which I left behind.
Good luck on finals guys and girls.
I'm with you in Rockland
where you scream in a straightjacket that you're
losing the game of the actual pingpong of the abyss
Grey (12:07 PM)