Tuesday, January 31, 2006
"But why babe?"
"Because Jacob that's the only way!"
There was a long pause as tears started to well up in her eyes. She couldn't take it anymore. She wanted to have it the way she wanted it and she just wasn't going to settle for anything else, not after all she had planned and saved for. She gave a quiet sniffle then continued after a short sigh on the other end.
"You have until Wednesday."
And with that she hung up. She clutched the necklace, rotating the center bead slowly as tears rolled down her face and between her breasts. She stood up and tossed all the crap off her bed and threw herself face-down into a pillow to cry. She thought about why she had to be like this. She knew she was being stubborn but nothing inside her would shake her foundation on this matter. It was now or never.
For Mia, love was an empty word. She didn't know what it was, but she knew she felt it. She didn't know how to deal with it, so she clutched tighter to what she had to make herself feel better. Her mother loved someone once; she wanted to ask mom about that, but she wouldn't. She had to find out on her own, do everything on her own. Be independent, be strong, find a path and stick to it.
"I hope he comes. He better come. I don't want to be alone." She said this all while looking at the cat, who was too busy licking his paws to care. He looked at her, then jumped on the bed, wishing to be stroked from head to tail. She obliged, flipping over, but inside it didn't make her happy, it would only please the cat. If only she were so simple to please. She thought about that for a moment.
"My knight, Francis. My knight." The cat started to purr as she stroked a little harder. "He's a good man and a strong one, valiant, and he'd save me." As she said this she sat up, puffing her chest out like a queen on her throne. "Bah what do you know about chivalry Francis? You're just a cat. Get away." She shoo'd the cat off the bed and plopped back down on her pillows.
She got up to shake her bank a few minutes later, remembering her clever plan. She knew mom knew and she knew mom wouldn't stop her from leaving. All those talks about becoming a woman, growing up, being someone who she wanted to be, all led Mia down a path to wanting to be on her own. But not on her own, with a man, one that pleased her not because he actually pleased her, but because she liked dick. Obviously she was a slut and she could admit this to herself, but what others thought of her was none of her concerns. No one could hurt her if she kept it bottled all in! "Genius!", she thought. Yeah, really smart.
She put on her pajamas and called Jacob back. She began with a "Hi" and it quickly turned into an apology. They spent several minutes rediscovering why they liked each other and it quickly became apparent to her it was because Jacob was easy. Easy to love, easy to fuck, easy to coax into anything. Did she care? "Not really," she thought. "All men are easy."
"Jacob?" She approached this with a drifting tone.
"Yeah babe?" She loved it when he called her that.
"I love you."
"I love you too, babe." She just wanted to hear it before bed.
"See you tomorrow."
Tomorrow was just the day too--Sunday. Oh how she loved Sundays. She would get up at 2pm and go see Jacob or go to the mall for an hour for no reason at all. She didn't have to go to work anymore now that she'd save everything up for months.
"I could try a little harder", she thought. "Nah. He's trying hard enough for the two of us." And in her self-acknowledged denial, she fell asleep trying to decide whether her blue jeans or her new skorts showed off her ass more.
~Seven Times Once, Chapter 11
Grey (2:47 AM)
Sunday, January 15, 2006
I've spent so many sleepless nights these past three weeks lying awake in bed thinking about my life. Tonight I finally realize that all the things that keep me from dreaming and all the things that bother me point to one thing.
I am heartbroken.
When I went over the script for this post in my mind, I knew exactly what I was going to say, but now as I write, I can't seem to take my thoughts off my heavily-beating heart. My body shivers as the heat in the apartment turns off and on as if on its own whims. Nothing I have worked for emotionally has ever worked out. I am broken on the inside and I say this with a very solemn tone.
Anytime I tried to make something work, to share something with someone, a certain someone now, I have been shunned, shut-out, and why? Not my own fault, maybe not even hers. I hate myself for not making the silence stop but the truth of the matter is I couldn't. I am disgusted with myself to the point of hatred because I always get myself into the god damn situations where I feel a certain way, share those feelings, then get dumped, forgotten, pushed-aside. Then later, I here about all the horrible things that I knew would happen, but couldn't stop from happening because the other person shut me out because they CHOSE to.
A part of me wants to say you deserve it, but that isn't how I feel. That is my anger boiling up inside, but it is less like anger and more like helplessness because I couldn't be there for you when you needed me to be there. And why? Because you didn't want me to be there either, you shut me out. And now I am heartbroken. I can't mend anything, I can't even contact this person. Why? I have no fucking idea. They say one thing and act another way. Speak, type, and maybe even feel they care for me, but then leave me no routes in which I can know what is going on in their life. What is wrong with you? All those things said and all the promises made. For nothing. Lies, deceit, and then you are hurt. And me, who is hurt also because your had to suffer through something and never let me know how you felt.
I want things to change. I want to find someone that I can care about and doesn't leave me in the dark about their entire life for the past year, and gives me no way to contact them, or care for them, but still insinuates that they want a "future". The only way to have a future is to start anew at all. And if that doesn't ever happen, then the past may as well have not existed either, so forget about it just like you have been trying to all along and just let me go for good. But I really want to have a future with you. I still love you with all heart. Just come and talk and I know I will accept you for the way you are, because I love you.
And lastly, a note to everyone that seeks love: You shouldn't regret the way you are. In our minds, we develop an idea of our perfect mate, but we never find a person to match that ideal 100%. So we settle a bit, for 99%, or 90% or 80%, etc. No matter what, someone that truly loves you, will love you for who you are. Not who you were or who you wanna be, or what you've become because time has passed since you've been together. Love is eternal. I wish to say this to all people, because deep inside I am a lover and truly not a fighter. I don't settle, I am just trying to be happy, and everyone keeps hurting me in some way and all they give me is a few words to sum it all up, most of them apologetic.
If you want love, go out and get it, and when you find it, don't let it go, no matter how much it hurts. Because in the end, you'll have someone to share everything with--a nice house, a pool in the backyard, a little kitten, and maybe some children to bring it all the closure. If you want love, come and get it, and when you find it, don't let it go, like you did. Because everyone got hurt, and everyone had a rough time, and someone forgot about the other person, but the other person didn't forget about someone.
on my mind,
things of fortune,
things of pain.
Why did it turn out this way?
After all was said,
and all that was planned?
When you lie to yourself,
you lie to others.
others get hurt.
There is only one fate worse than death; loneliness. Everyday I die a little more inside, because my heart is growing weak and weary. I don't know how much more of it I can take. I'll just cry myself to sleep. :'(
Grey (6:14 AM)
Monday, January 09, 2006
What hurt on the inside? She didn't know. Perhaps some uncertainty from the past, or the burning sensation she felt in her breast every time she had those thoughts. Thoughts. Her life wasn't as simple as she made it out to be. There was plans left unplanned and days slept away because she was lazy and she knew it. She didn't care to think about the future as much anymore, even though it was really all she was working for now. Everyday thinking, sweating, fucking, sleeping, over and over, to what end?
"Mia?" Her mother's soft voice crept in through the small space between the frame of the wall and the door. She came in warm and invited. "Honey have you seen the cat?"
Mia laid up in bed, rubbing her eyes. "What time is it?" she asked.
"Honey it's eight o'clock at night, why are you just getting up?"
"I dunno mom. Lately there hasn't been a reason to go to bed before the sun comes up and wake before it goes down."
"I see. Well you're gonna screw up your period again."
Mia plopped back onto her mountain of pillows, falling between two or three of them as they swallowed her. "Bah, whatever. It's not like I'm getting pregnant mom, relax."
She began to make her way toward the bed. "It's just an expression dear. I'm not being serious." She sat down and heard and fierce hiss.
"Found the cat I see."
Her mother jumped up startled. "Oh my! Yes I think I have!". As she said this the cat went racing out of the room and down the stairs. Her mother took a gentle stroke across Mia's right cheek. "Dear, how is that boy you've been seeing?"
"Wonderful." She said it in such a way as to promote a feeling of disgust but awe and love all at once.
"Hmm. Well that doesn't tell me too much. That's ok. You're young and pretty and attractive. Even this one doesn't work out, there's at least a million other guys that you can always try out Mia."
"Uh huh. Mom no one likes me. I'm weird."
"Gifted, Mia. Gifted."
"You always say that!"
"Well it's true! What else do you want me to say! Nobody else I know can talk on the phone, chat on that computer, play with the cat, and brush her hair at the same time!"
Mia burst out laughing. "Mom."
"You always know how to make me laugh."
"I'm not good for much else hon. I can't keep you off the streets or off drugs, so I do what I know I can do best--bring a smile to your face. But don't do drugs or anything just the same."
"Mom.." Mia gave her mother a blank stare. "Jacob's the only drug for me."
"Well don't go getting too addicted then dear. If he leaves the country or something, I don't wanna hafta deal with an addict going through withdrawal. You might kill me or something."
Mia laughed as hard as before, and for even longer, ending off with a deep sigh.
"I dunno mom." She paused for a moment to stare at stars on the ceiling. "I just don't know."
"You don't have to. But dinner is ready so come eat some. Or is it breakfast time for you?"
"Pish. I'll be right down mom." Mia chuckled a bit and pulled her naked body out from underneath the sheets and threw on a robe.
Her mind had been racing, so she played with her necklace. She didn't get any sleep that night, or day, but felt accomplished for some reason. To her, accomplishments came in small bits, instead of as one big event. She was gonna wait for the call the rest of the night, play hard-to-get, because she could. She was hot, and maybe other boys did want her, but they'd never listen. Just fuck. Fuck, she thought. If only she were doing that right now.
~Seven Times Once, Chapter 12
Grey (5:34 AM)