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The Past

Wednesday, December 31, 2003
-*Year of tha boomerang*-

So the year comes to an end. Both spiritually and physically, I feel that there are many things that the closing of books and tearing of pages cannot deal away.

I have seen the petals.
I have swallowed the flower of subtlety.

The year was pretty good actually. I grew up a lot. I cannot say the same for some of my peers but certainly, everyone has a new and different outlook on their future as a human being. It brings one smile and half a tear. I've made decisions just as all others have about life and it's many repetitive courses. In the end, it doesn't even matter said two wise men and a few hypocrites.

I would say that I want to get away but you all already know that. The paragraphs, the lines, the periods and commas - they have all bound me here to this spot and I cannot shake myself from their shackled grasp upon my mind. If it didn't make sense, it probably never has, and naturally, never will.

If bygones are bygones, why are they not themselves?

Drink the wine, smoke that shit, and have a Happy New Year? What exactly makes a happy new year, or anything "happy" for tha matter? Too long have I been set aside, forgotten, ill-treated, and laughed at for thinking differently from the rest. This year, I will make my mark on the soul that is society. Tear it down I will try, castigated I will become. This is the life I choose so back off.


January was a strange time. I don't like breakdowns. I will be brief lacking brevity.

I made many new friends this year. Many I have had problems with because of the way I am or the way they are. Vhary, Sujit, Greg, Matt, BolTON, Rob (oom), Joe, and last and least, Phil. I don't know what else I would say to these people if I had only one thing to thank them for. I might not say anything in an attempt to be witty or thankful for everything. I would say 'cheers' and toast apple juice with them.

I have lost some friends as well. Eileen, Kristin, Jen. There are others not worth mentioning. There are very many things I wish I could say to you all too, but mostly just 'fuck you' to the ones still living. I owe you nothing, I was used, and none of you will ever realize the value of true friendship, in my eyes, as you cast it aside so easily. Misuse people you do and for that you are terrible people. You are no better than anyone else nor deserve special treatment. And if you are happier without me in your lives, so be it. I was upset once, but I no longer care for any of you, I'm sorry. Things I have said, promises I had made, you have forced my heart to break. I am a hypocrite for saying those things now, but only to you - those whom I no longer care about. And Kristin, you wanted so hard for me to mention you in my blog. Well here it is - YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL, GET OVER YOURSELF. Huzzah to that.

Franky, although I did not know you well, you were a friend I could confide in if I needed to. I would gladly trade my life so that yours would go on still. Honestly, I would.


To my family.
Thank you for being there for me when I did not need you.
Thank you also for not being there when I needed you the most.
Thank you for not understanding me at all.
Thank you for outcasting me in every family event I might've enjoyed if you had just asked.
Thank you also for shafting me at school.
Thank you for being ignorant pricks.
Thank you for being mostly worthless human beings to me.
Thank you for sharing the gift of anger with me.
Thank you for shame and stupidity.
But most of all, thank you for hating me and never letting me be who I really am.



My friends are all that I worship in this world. To the few that remain, I will never forget those things which brought us closer together.

I want to thank Troela and everyone who worked on Seasons of Almadyn MUD this year.

Thank you to Glenn's mom for letting me escape to her place when I really needed to get away.
Thank you to Vhary for being there when I tried to cry but couldn't.
Thanks to Suj who I shared many long talks with, both important and unimportant.
Thank you Stacy for being up front and honest with me about everything.
Thank you Els for being one of the coolest, most hardcore gamer I've ever run into. Rock on bitch!
Thank you Greg for the immeasurable amount of cactus we had this year. It was a good run. See you on Friday :)
Thank you to Wolpert for letting me stay in your room that night man. Oh, and letting me make fun of you to your face.
Thank you to Urien for being probably my biggest fan ever and supporting my wackiness throughout the year.
Thanks to the Rochester people for being cool friends to me when I first met them and supporting me in my Guilty Gear X2 habit.
Thanks Spock for Slater! It was an awesome strip while it lasted bro!
Thank you to Avi-san for being the most awesome-mest non-super-Jew ever.
Thanks to Joe and Phil for helping me study this semester! I passed Chemistry with a C!!!
Thank you Rob for being a professional idiot.
Thank you Vadim (might as well) for being the funniest one-armed bandit ever. You could always make me laugh even when I hated you.
Thank you Gizmo (M.S.!) for healing me in FFXI and being a somewhat active law wizard :P
Thank you to Kaa for hearing me out and sharing so many ideas with me about life and the way it just has to be sometimes.
Thanks to Anna, Heidi, and Katta for being Swedish.
Thanks to my SoA play-testers. Your feedback is priceless!
Thank you Schmidty for always finding me at the mall because you are the weird stalker-type. *cringe*
Thank you to Tony for sitting and chatting those few times we had this year at your house or mall. Good luck.
Thank you to anyone who posted meaningful, honest comments on my blog this year.

And special shout-outs to Brad and Glenn - my partners in crime, fame, and misfortune no matter what happens. You guys ROCK. Thank you for everything you've given me his year - warmth, guidance, counsel, and booze.

These are my words, the way I choose to close this year. In the end, everyone I have thanked and not thanked, I love. That is, unless I've said otherwise. Yeah, I love you all in a certain, subjective way. If ever the need arises, ask me for what it is you need. I will try my best to be the nightly knight. Cheers to the new year and the casting off of emotional stress with alcohol and other pollutants. Amen to the fathers. And to the mothers. Ya-hoo for coloured balls!

Nostalgia is poison.
See you all next year. I hope. You never know.

Grey (7:16 PM)

Friday, December 26, 2003
-*Undoings and the casting of lots by the chains*-

If I could..

Why bother to finish that sentence. I could complete the lines a thousand ways and still have more needs to satisfy.

It seems so familiarly unwelcoming here at home.
The smell.
The people.
All just so.. bleh.

Yeah, I got gifts today. No, I didn't want any of it.

What I want, I can't have.
What I want no one can give.
I would ask for piece of mind.
I would wish for my fleeting sanity to rush back to me. It has happily been relocated for months now.

For all those who have hurt me this year - fuck you.
To all those I have hurt this year - fuck you. Well, maybe sorry. I have a year-in-review post to make about those things.

Parts of me have grown cold and numb this year without anyone or anything to rub them warm again, to remind the blood within me that it must flow for me to be alive. I am already dead I feel. I might as well be on somedays. Tuesdays.

I will be dead one day and I hope that none will remember me for the things I have done - good nor bad. There are too many bad things too say at my funeral and not enough good things to fill up the whole time slot. I have a case of the defiant soul. That is, the life that the pirate leads. One of mischief, outlandish adventures, mind games, and most of all, loneliness. I will escape from here before any of you do. I will return to tell you of it, I promise. Keep thy minds and eyes open for you never know what ways I may become manifest to you.

Live through me. Learn through me.
Let me be the darkness you fight through so eagerly so that you may see the end of the tunnel that is your hardship. Speak unto me, find that word that will show that you and I connect and say it aloud tonight, or tomorrow night. When you think of me, what does your mind say? Discover the sense of will and projection.

Land upon the clouds of a new age and realize that there is more to life than stricture and politics. Be one with the wind, the earth, the water, or the flame of truth and leave the flesh behind. Be here, inside my mind and I will show you that which you never thought possible.

I am a mercenary.
I am a druid.
I have passed the tests finally.

I can control my mind and see beyond the sphere I exist in. I can bend you, touch it, and place it all in a little box. With this, I give you the Shadow of Two. Hah.

Be this the darkness that guides your path, for wherever it shall be, I will be watching, waiting for the return of the light. I shall swallow that whole and see the truth and share it with the world below my cloud. 11.

One for the time I fought.
Two for the light I saw.
Three for the waste of breath.
Four for the hearts believed.
Five of the men I've killed.
Six of the minds untouched.
Seven brings us colder days.
Eight beings under this roof of old.
Nine dreams of mystical warning.
Ten endings for the way of the words.
Eleven cast aside in disbelief.

You may fall into these lines. Perhaps even in between. Be the fourth of unstrung manner and you shall see me unfold. Place it in your pocket and remember the 27s. I shall not be the victim of latter days or saints.

Bring down the sewn.
Boast peaceful harmonies.
Draw swords to the east.
Deliver me unto the dissonance.

As per usual, no posting on the 27s. Be cool with yourself until then. Cast aside your doubts and silver dollars to boot.

Sleep well cherubs.

Grey (3:39 AM)

Thursday, December 25, 2003
-*Le Coeur D'ombre*-

I've decided not to stay here for much longer. I am going to leave behind many things soon and I will have no regrets. First, I will start with my family, and inevitably, my friends. I do not know how to apologize for this but it is out of my hands I now know. I know that many people say that they hate Christmas. I hate it. But I do not hate the message it is supposed to convey. I hate the togetherness of people nobody really cares honestly about all gathering in one house or spot to have a meet and greet. As a young adult of 20 years of age, I have no idea what to say to them and all they do is ask me how I am doing in school and work.

Go away.
Leave me alone.
I have a headache.

These are the things I wish to say to them. Shut-up is another one that comes to mind. My family has always been judgmental, just as I was taught to be. But lately, I have not been so judgmental, I changed my life in some way, although realistically, it changed itself. I have become a perceptivist. I have taken the back seat of life and have decided that I will now watch the road ahead more closely, with every ounce of existence I can possibly shed away in such a task.

Tonight was another terrible event. This time, my father attempted to embarrass me in front of everyone. He was successful. I used to love my father more than my mother, but tonight, he was dethroned and placed upon the same tier as the one parental unit M resides on.

Father sits down next to me on couch after minor socialization with extended family.
He says, 'So your mother tells me you don't believe in God. That you haven't for some time now.'
'Yeah, and?', I repiled.
'Well that makes you a hypocrite as well as a snob and an asshole.'
'Hey dad, kiss my ass. and then go FUCK yourself.'
I promptly left the room.

I began to doze off in the car.
'I think Stefen needs therapy', whispers my mother to my father from the driver seat.
Now awake fully, 'I think YOU need MOM.'
'Oh and why's that?', she just had to ask.
'Because if someone doesn't agree with you, apparently, the only interpretation you have of that is they need therapy.'
'Are you with another clique we don't know about?', asks my already-on-the-shit-list father.
'No dad, you people have no ideas at all about me or my life so stop making assumptions.'
'Then it must be your friends. You know what? They're all assholes too and they've turned YOU into one haven't they?'
'WHAT WAS THAT? WOULD YOU LIKE TO REPEAT THAT DAD?', I exclaimed, the most upset I have been in my ENTIRE life, 'You do not know THEM and you certainly don't know me either so FUCK YOU again, you are obviously the biggest asshole I have ever met, congratulations.'
'Don't you yell at your father!!!', screams my mom. 'Sam! Glenn is a Christian, he's not as asshole!'

So I guess Brad is still an asshole... Or something.
Father later apologized half-assed for all his words tonight. I told him it didn't matter. His opinions are respected but not agreed with and I still think he is an ignorant old man with a dead-beat wife who never loved him and a mother who doesn't call him ever that he goes out of his way to show he also loves. He was also told that he is an asshole of his own accord and that he has lost any of my respect that still remained.

'No, it doesn't matter what I do or say or believe in, you always go out of your way to find something to be mad at me about, just admit it', I said.
'I have lost so many people this year and you don't care at all about my feelings!', yelled mother from the driver seat, swerving.
'You don't think I have lost friends because nobody I know has died I was close to? Man, you are even more close-minded than this old man,' was my reply.
'You've always been popular Stefen, in school, with people, on the internet. So don't give me that at all Stefen!!!!', cries my mom in tears.
First, I paused and thought about what she had just said and laughed a really, hardy laugh in my chest. Man was she EVER wrong. 'You obviously don't know shit about me mom. There are more people out there in the world who I have known that would rather see my face smeared all over a street corner than would want to hang out with me, or claim I was popular, or even *chuckling* LIKE me in the slightest.'
'Oh please Stef, what do you know..'
'About my own life? Well, jeesh. The WHOLE THING I'D HOPE. Nobody else is helping me live it MOM', I snickered.

At this point I gave up on her. She talked about some garbage the rest of the way home and cried about some stupid shit I don't care about. But, right before she got home, she was finally right about something. There was a long pause, then some words were spoken..

'I know that you are so cold inside sometimes. If one of your family, your "close", immediate famliy, someone in the house or in this car right now were to die, you wouldn't care at all. You wouldn't cry, you wouldn't think twice about it. You'd just be the same way you are now. Cold.'

Every part of her being was right the moment her last words resounded in my ears, she was correct. In all her life, my mother has never been right about anything that involved my opinions or beliefs, but somehow, she know me so well for that split moment that she was able to finally see what I was capable of.

I do not think she cares if I die either. As it is, things aren't going very well for me and she isn't supporting anything I am doing now either. Things are not good in my life at this time and no one can help that. If I could, I would help it along just slightly so the bad could be over sooner and maybe it would all end quicker as well.

I am working on a way to turn it off finally. BUT, I have also concluded that I will not turn it off. Ever. I will only keep it as knowledge and never turn it off ever. I will change my mind on that topic soon, this I know.

Friday I will begin to search for my new home. Where it will be, I do not know. Where it will, I have some ideas. How it will become will take some time.

As an aside, I am contemplating begininng another blog. Artistically, no words could ever capture the essence of my meanings and thus I have been toying around with the idea of having this blog for purely un-edited life and spiritual posts. My spiritual postings will more than likely make little sense but to two or three people who read this blog. The second blog, which shall not be secondary, but rather, just as important is this one, will be a more edited, realistic view on life. It will be the representation and embodiment of this blog, with a lens taken to it, focusing on the points I feel are more important when seen as individual thoughts rather than part of an amalgamation of several. This blog format can be seen in some past posts including sectioned headers, such as the post made on the 20th of November as well as having little-shit posts of random pointless silliness such as the post made on the 7th of December. This blog will be dedicated to my path of spiritualism and idealism and deal with that which we percieve. It will be written from the point of view of a philisophical protagonist whom I will assume the role of. It will be formatted more as a real live journal than I hectic blog. I feel this two-dimensional attempt at my soul will somehow broaden the scope many have of my beliefs as well as my feeling about events in my life. Please, leave feedback about this idea, or even just this post. Your opinions are always welcome in the organ formerly known as my heart.

If being me is so bad - Deal with it.

Grey (1:49 AM)

Sunday, December 21, 2003
-*Bled the last tear*-

Rip it down.
Shove it all away.

Tomorrow starts Guilty Gear X2 training again at The Break. *sigh* I don't want to practice again. I just wanna be as good as August allowed me to be. Our enemies shall become the victims of their own pride. Oh, and then several dust loops courtesy of Xerlic and Grave Digger corner juggles. Listen. Beat me once, shame on.. shame on..

*long pause*
Shame on me! Beat me twice, shame on.. shame on..

*mutters while pausing*
Listen, you ain't gonna beat me again.

I'm home. yay. not yay. whatever. Apparently, all the other people I hang out with in Rockland on a day-to-day basis are ALSO in Rockland County so that's a plus. It's still Rockland though so I'll be leaving again really soon.

Lotsa stuff going on in my life right now. Most of it is rather interesting. Actually.. ALL of it is. If only I could live one day in my own shoes, I'd realize just how screwed up everything is right now. Whoa. Hello squirrel wranglers. This isn't a life for me nor is it the way I wanna be.

The love of the other.
The sight of blood.
The pain of the stance.
The leg of rehabilitation.
The drug of sanity.

That's how it'll be this month coming up in a nutshell. For translations, click feedback, post something and try reloading. You should see the little box popup really fast. No, but really. If you care, if you know me, you'll know too.

In good news, I now have one, possibly two teammates for Final Fantasy XI. Xerlic will be joining up sometime this month and Gizmo@SoA is now a White Mage residing in Sand'Oria. We play on Titan server if anyone's interested. If anyone sees this. At all.


I kind of ..wish(?) I was on the island again, standing in the pouring rain. It's different there. I may not be back for awhile, but I'll make due with what I have until then. When I feel the rain hit my body in this thought, I remember a time in my life when I was very serious. I wrote some things on paper describing how I felt about lines and number theories. I wish I could read that again someday. I also recorded some tapes I've lost since that day. It is odd though, now, thinking about it. That piece of my life just broke off and fell into the awaiting pool of eternity below my floating waffle of a life. Maybe it got too brittle and it crunched right off. Perhaps it was full of so much syrupy knowledge that the nook caved in and oozed right off the rest of the pastry. I'm not really sure.

12 Stones once told me I was free. I believe them now. I've been broken and now the pieces have been reassembled and it's looking a helluva lot different than it ever did in the past.

This was the story of my life.

Each failure poses threats closer to the edge.
In a swift bout, I tip, fall over the edge.
Leaning ever closer over to see my friends and the inevitable
Exhaustion they faced each time we did this.
Everyday felt really long and never did I look back in love.
Never did I do anything wrong, not even this.

This is the story of my life.

Forever walking, never reading the signs I saw.
Regrets forgotten,
Events avoided.
Everyday now I look to the sun for that
Drowning out effect, a release from the old
Odors of what I left behind.
Maybe this is who I really am.

Greity of the masses, who is to say I am a hassle? Hrmpf. I'll settle this tomorrow!

Grey (4:46 AM)

Wednesday, December 17, 2003
-*Tracewater Design*-

Finals are over.

The world has ended in a spark of magic and dust clouds shield the sun from our harmful rays. The moon stares down upon the surface, gazing through all the layers that separate the twos from the ones. She procures a smile. It's aimed at someone I know. He is happy with the facts of the stars and the puzzles of the game.

A showing of fireworks speaks from the grave
of the things that have passed and were never saved.

Return of the King opens today. Yeah, I still exist in the real world on occasion.

The calendar speaks of many things,
concealing messages in the numbers.

I have thought of many things as of late to try to rest my mind. I know at some point I treaded past some point of sanity and walked head-first into some chaos. I've taken the time an effort since I arrived there to make order of the scene. Now, all I once saw is clear again and a new door has been revealed. I shall venture through the door eventually. Through it will be that which I have not ever seen as well as the all-too-familiar sights and sounds of the fourths.

Take my hand,
do what you please.
Allow me this to ease the pain,
so I can get inside you.

What is happening to the fabric of my delicate reality? I will tell. myself.
A tear in the fabric, a tear shed for it. The doubles of mind, and the quarters of fate rear their smiling faces. They poke and mock the time now lost to the states in which I once thought.

Be here now or forever begone,
the path is chosen true.
On a day like this, I don't wanna say it,
but man, I'd really hate to be you.

The rain is pretty to me. I can imagine no better way to satiate the thirst of the gerbils.

Be what may, I'll have my day,
and it will snow throughout.
People will look left and right
claiming to know what it's all about.

The end draws near for this post, it did not live very long. But it shall be remembered in your minds as one to make up for lost time. One for the inner vagina. One for the monologue of the pencils. One for the shepherd's wife. One for the brown stuff. And one BIG last one for the fiends of the plateau.

Grey (3:50 PM)

Wednesday, December 10, 2003
-*Predicate Etiquette*-

Reality plays games with real life. Maybe I'm just too simplistic to decipher tho puzzles placed before me. Once, I tried to make sense of the non-sensical and gave up all the answers for a nickel.

A cut above the rest, the worst is yet to come.
A renewed hope has shot me out into a space of entities made purely of confusion, numbered fiends, grass-growing hippies, and bodies of beings melted into small bits, representing the best of themselves.

What I have discovered lately outweighs that which I have lost, in my own head. The renewed hope is rooting for the future contained subtly in each passing day, woven into the fibers that carry time and decay.

So I sit with lemon-lime powerade and ponder what I will find tomorrow. Errors on the page. They stand for all which makes the blogger holy. If I took a walk heading west, I'd only return coming in from the east. If I take the path I chose tonight, I will end up on the flip-side of a hectic morning and a candy-apple day.

10s and twenties surround the peas that leave me here alone. Bunching together, huddling about in their pod, outcasting me because of something I have done. They are angst, hate, bother, and regret. But have I been? I threw them away. Their banding will get them nowhere.

I'll retire the mace for tonight. Perhaps I just need a pick-me-up. Level 15 in FFXI now. It's getting really boring :(

See you all next time for a followup episode on how to use proper sentence structure.

Grey (5:51 PM)

Sunday, December 07, 2003
-*A long December*-

It's been awhile since I've posted last. Tell you what, I'll post something tomorrow morning or afternoon. Yahoo for fanclubs of which I have none. Check back in then!

Grey (11:14 PM)



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