Sunday, November 13, 2005
I know that I can be hard on myself. In fact I generally am, but usually always with good reason.
When you train, ready, for something for so long.. like, you know exactly what you would do in every possible situation that could ever possibly be thrown at you, and you've analyzed your resources, weighed the options, and settled on a choice you would make in every one of those possible scenarios, then you lie and wait.
Waiting every moment of every day for just one of those scenarios to hit you in the face so you can react to it. So that you can hone your skills in this task, one of many tasks, because you are a professional. Because you are a Ninja. Because you know that perfection is more than an ideal, and your inner desires yearn every moment of every one of those days that passes to taste what 'it' is all about.
But humanity gets in the way. The evolution of randomization. The evolution of design by trial and error; the inherent form--that which is, unlike perfection, the least desirable path.
That which is our seed..
Error. Not for the effect of bringing down others, but rather, yourself and then others because of it. Because you make one mistake, others suffer.
Their hard work for naught.
Your hard work for naught.
And as you lay there, head in the sand, choking on the minerals, you shed a tear for yourself. Your inner pride swallowed up, abandoned you! Gone for now, but what seems like forever-gone.
Reclaiming it won't be easy. The blame you place upon yourself is due to the soul. Those innermost desires that seek a challenge. And with each of the aforementioned passing days, your skills will continue to grow, building up, readying themselves for another, new, challenge, or a shot at victory over a previous one. But the flaw shines through..
It becomes one thing, encompassing many things..
When the challenge finally comes, you ask yourself, "Will I be ready?"
When you stare at that challenge from afar, you prepare yourself.
When you meet that challenge in battle, your assault is fierce.
For some of us, we harbor things we must prove to ourselves. We await challenges. In our minds we review the script. I would do this if that. I would that if this. You say to yourself, "I am ready to be challenged."
Today, I met my challenge.
Grey (10:32 PM)
Friday, November 04, 2005
All day long her mind was full of thoughts. Some of him, some of what had happened. She thought why she still thought about it, but it really didn't matter, for analyzing the situation wasn't her fortÃ?Â©. She thought maybe Jacob really loved her. Just yesterday she remembered that she wasn't sure, but what did it matter really? That's right--it didn't.
"Hey Jacob." her voice was soft over the phone. Even dialing the numbers she took her time and breathed deeply with each depression, feeling the letters etched into every key, thinking that if she was blind, she'd be really good at Braille, only, she'd never seen Braille before and thought it probably was nothing like what she had in mind at all.
"Hey babe.." Jacob's voice to her ears was as soothing as a hot morning shower, rubbing the cold out of her body, wakening her senses to everything around her--the air, the water, the damp hair resting against her face, and the thick crust formed in her tear ducts from crying herself to sleep just the night before. Tears of joy and tears of pain.
"What are you up to today hon?"
"I'm not sure babe. I quit my job. Well I didn't really quit. I think I'm just gonna stop going. You know, just stop. Finally"
"Oh yeah? Are you feeling much better now?" She tried to sound smooth and comforting.
"Yup. Good riddance.." Mia wanted to take this and tell Jacob he sort of knew better than to just walk out on it all without having something else lined up, but she really didn't care to tell him how to live his life. At least, not until she got what she wanted.
"That's so good to hear honey!" Jacob chuckled over the phone.
"Listen, babe. Brad and I are gonna take care of some errands. Food stuffs and whatnot."
"Oh okay Jay. Call me later?"
"Sure thing. I won't forget. Later."
"See ya!" and with that she hung up the phone, her body overcome with a strange bit of joy although knowing she might not see him today. It had only been two days, not even. Less than forty-eight hours that is.
Mia wondered if Jacob really meant to do what he did. She liked him before he was her knight. But now, she liked him even more. From downstairs came a shrill cry upon her ears.
It was always like this, since as far back as she could remember. Her mother, always in need when home, but rarely home at that. She never really asked what Mia wanted or what Mia needed but seemed to have no problem telling Mia what she needed. She trotted downstairs knowing eventually she'd have to face her. She loved her mother though, and for reasons she couldn't explain, also hated her passionately.
"What is it mom?" Mia asked, standing in the kitchen in naught but her underwear.
"Oh hey dear. Listen, I'm heading out of town for a few days. On business. I have to go tomorrow morning. I left some money on the counter there. I've got to go to work."
With those words her mother grabbed her car keys and kissed Mia on the forehead on the way out. Mia turned for the stairs and began her slow ascent.
"Oh and Mia.."
Mia turned back around, asking "Yes mom?"
"I love you. Please be safe."
"I love you too mom. And I will, promise." she crossed her heart and blew her mother a kiss just as she always had and made her way back up to her room. She was really glad she didn't have to go to school today or for the next couple of weeks. She threw herself on her bed and thought about what to do. Hours passed. She thought maybe she fell asleep and didn't dream about anything but the ceiling. She called Linda but she didn't pick up. Afterwards she got dressed and decided to count all the money she had saved. She had a plan and when the time was right she was going to get out of this place and find something better for herself and not tell anyone. A great plan she thought and even greater for having thought of it and planned ahead for it all by herself. She felt proud and she put a nice tight pair of jeans on that really showed off her butt.
She stood in front of a mirror fondling her breasts playfully. She turned to the left, then to the right, giggling and pretending she had a lollipop in her mouth the whole time.
"Whatcha gonna do today baby?" She asked herself.
"Play me some boys, that's what." Mia tossed on a warm jacket lined with fur around the neck, and zipped it up just about her cleavage. She grabbed her car keys and headed out into the world, humming a little tune and playing with her necklace.
~Seven Times Once, Chapter 15
Grey (4:13 AM)