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The Past

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

The day was a dreary one. A cold, misty drizzle had laid down some fog. It stretched as far as the eye could see. But I did not let this faze me. The weather could not keep me from completing my task. The task which only I could perform. I put on my favorite pair of skintight capri pants and the hooded sweatshirt that I had bought at Sea World many years ago. I picked up the sweatshirt and gazed at the faded Shamu decal. It brought back memories of that giant killer whale who was made to jump through hoops for fish. Oh how I wish I could have given him the freedom that he had so desired. Don't worry, big guy. I'll experience enough freedom for the both of us. I laced up my shoes and grabbed two ponytail holders from the desk. My hair was like me: a free spirit. It could not be contained and held down by physical bonds, so the best I can manage is two poofs of hair like my mother used to do for me.

I opened the door and breathed it in. The fresh air envigorated me, but something was missing. My mouth started to salivate, but I held off for now. Best not to jump into things. Taking a few steps, I let myself become one with the playing field. I felt every nook and cranny of the asphalt through my shoes. A few inches of rubber couldn't numb me to what I knew was mine.

I broke off into a slow trot. The road slippery from the rain yielded little resistance. I felt the energy build within me, so I pressed on. Coaxing it and building it up. I let it feed me to keep me going on. Like a raging fire, I felt it deep within my soul. I couldn't even feel the rain upon my face since my skin was so hot. Finally, I felt as it would burst from my body. The limit was approaching fast. If I didn't act soon, I would lose it.

Thrusting my hand deep within my pocket, I extracted the 3 day old pack of Malboros that were hidden within. Vigorously, I wrenched a cigarette from the box with my teeth while my left hand thrust into the hoody to grasp my lucky lighter. I named him Jerry after my first love. One flick of the flint. Two flicks. Nothing. My third rewarded my olfactory senses with the aroma of butane. It was a signal of things to come. My body trembled in expectation.

The first drag is always the best. The nicotine and endorphines danced a heavenly tango within my body that lifted me up into the skies. The blue-gray haze of the cigarette began to blur and swirl into the fog. The landscape around me faded away. I felt a car drive by me, the air currents disrupting the masterpiece scenery in my mind's eye. But new colors began to ripple and form due to the disturbance. Destruction begets creation.

I kept going because I had no choice. My legs moved of their own accord. I doubt I could have stopped them even if I wanted to. I felt myself growing short of breath, so I took another drag. I could barely blink. I didn't want to. I had no choice but to...

"Hey! HEY!"

A strong hand wrapped around my upper arm. Within a flash, the world reverted back to normal. The cigarette fell from my limp fingers.

"You're crazy, lady. That light is green. Do you want to get run over?"

I was in front of the Shell station, about to pass through the intersection. Cars whizzed by me, in a hurry to do their menial things.

"Good morning to you too, Ackmad," I replied. Turning towards the shell station, I opened the door and walked inside.

~The Epic Tales of Joggy-Smokey Lady, Volume 6

Hey guys, Xerlic here. As secretary and one of the founding members of the JSLFC (Joggy-Smokey Lady Fanclub), I have to thank Grey for giving me the honor and priviledge of being able to contribute to the history of the JSL. Keep on the lookout!

Xerlic (11:38 PM)

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

I paced quickly across the street. One smoke was all I needed, but I knew I would be given twenty for my time. Jogging was my life and nicotine was my reward. The paycheck at the end of the day always reassured me of this.

As I exited the Getty convenient store I packed, unwrapped, lit, breathed, and broke into a slow trot. I took a long look at the sky. It was blue and beautiful. I remembered how perfect that day was. I ran like the wind. I may not have been the first to break the tape, or even the hundredth, but I knew who the winner was. Fluffy knew too because she was there, watching mommy's red hair be tossed about by the wind is lustrous fashion.

I took a look around, realizing I was already on South Pascack. How clockwork were my actions, how decisive my motives I thought. I couldn't wait to get home and just turn right back around and do it all over again. I took a long look down the road, but the heat blurred my vision. I slid my glasses up to my brow, squinting to get a better look, pushing the hair out of my face. I spied a gray SUV speeding toward me! The driver sped by, blinding me with a flash of light just as he or she passed. I felt him watching me through his rear-view mirror, peering at me. Maybe he was a fan. Hrm. Maybe he saw me run that day. Maybe he was the man of my dreams. The thought sent a shiver up my spine and I was happy. I lit another cigarette and jogged quickly home, eager to tell Fluffy about today and how great it was.

~The Epic Tales of Joggey-Smokey Lady, Volume 5

Grey (3:57 AM)

Sunday, June 20, 2004

It's 5:30am and I was lying down for a half hour previous to starting this post. I am pretty bored again. I restarted FF, but played too much the post 4-5 days and I'm kind of burnt of from it already. I'm unsure I'll continue it through July at this point but I'm leaning toward quitting again. I remember how much of a hassle things were before and now is not much different. I'm level 50 pld/25 war and I am upgrading to Iron Musketeer's stuff and it's all blah with money and whatever. I won't play tomorrow (today) or much on Monday either, and not on Tuesday because friends are either visiting or I'm visiting them.

Friday I'm heading down to Long Island to meet up with some Stony Brook counselors and hang out with Glenn. Saturday is Bacardi Party and I'll probably be at Fred's all weekend and come home the following Monday. I still don't drink much, but I will try to enjoy myself with bacardi 03 or something along the lines of bitch beer to appease the crowd, which will most likely want me to do something while I'm there. It'll be fun and I'm looking forward to it.

I have at least found at outlet for my insomnia for the time being. I don't know how long it will last. I've been thinking more about my areas that I submitted last week and about working on the new ones now. I hafta finish the catacombs, revamp the maze, and start the palace then the Berlex Epic Quest will be complete. I have about two or three other areas that are required by my domain history so that is about six areas I really hafta start. It seems like a lot of work because it is and I know the only way to complete it is to force myself to start them. I enjoy designing the area and coming up with the history, coding the spells, mobs, objects, and related, but when it comes down to room items, I detest it. I have a number of skeleton areas with mobs, objects, and armaments, with shitty room descriptions I should look into re-doing. In time I suppose. I've already done two areas this summer and that's a lot for four weeks' time.

I'm going to head to bed.. I'm tired as hell. Remember to call your pops and wish him a happy father's day that is, of course, assuming he appreciates that superficial kind of crap. God natt!

Grey (5:24 AM)

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

A treat, as I promised you all.

Today I stood before the green grass, in awe of all its green-ness. I loosened the checker blanket tucked tightly under my arm and spread it out over his majesty. Ah, the emperor soft, I thought. I sat upon the blanket and unpacked my yellow rose-dotted cyan-handled beach bag. A bologna sandwich, one apple, a hershey's chocolate milk and, oh yes, a pack of cigarettes. I hastened to unscrew the top of the milk, thirsty as I was, spilling a tiny drop upon my red hooded sweatshirt. The wind blew through my beautiful orange hair, which I was clever to comb just before coming outside so I could enjoy the breeze. I would enjoy this little picnic with myself this day because all real winners drank milk just like it said in all those commercials years ago. Nobody could touch me this day for I was the champion. Not even Fluffy, my adoring poodle, who has a knack for shitting inside the house, could ruin this very moment. Like a good, strong person, I would finish my sandwich first, have some milk, take a bite of my apple, have some milk, take a deep breath, and then chug the rest like a true heroine. Tossing the apple aside I knew it was time to shine. All great races started in a slow trot. Yes. They do.

(the return of)
~The Epic Tales of Joggey-Smokey Lady, Volume 4

Grey (3:56 AM)

Monday, June 14, 2004

The past two weeks worth of nights have been terrible. I am suffering from a severe case of insomnia and my mind cuts in and out of inner conversation. Each night I crawl into bed anywhere between 12:45am and 2:30am and don't manage to fall asleep well into the sunrise sometime between 6 and 7am. I wouldn't mind this so much if my body didn't spring awake at 11:30 the same morning, leaving me with about four hours of sleep. Afterwards, I can't seem to find the sandman again and I lie awake usually for about thirty to forty-five minutes trying to decide if I should be upset or simply get up and go jogging.

I am a walking corpse. Fatigue weighs heavily upon my shoulders with each step I take so I prefer to stay seated most of the day and watch baseball games on the tube (usually muted) while I code and listen to some soft music. Sometimes I boot up Painkiller and kill zombies but more often than not I get up to pour myself another glass of apple juice.

Rarely do I go out and when I do it is usually in search of some shitty job I have no chance of getting because nobody calls anyone back and on my recent follow-ups I got the classics "we lost your application" and "we are still reviewing your application". I often wonder if it's this shitty everywhere or just Rockland. Because I don't see the sun too often I don't normally (remember to) eat lunch during the week. When grandma hollers from downstairs around 7pm each night, I often wonder what gruel she has slopped on a plate for me to eat. At least I still have some money in my pocket.

Maybe I am depressed. The thought has entered my mind. Maybe Rockland is just depressing. That thought always follows the previous one. Tonight Lindsay and I are going to see Prisoner of Azkaban. She decided she was bored on Saturday and was willing to drive to Rockland from Where-ever, NJ to see it with me. I sort of hoped others were coming, but it was a weak plan I guess. Lindsay's cool, she's just not totally my player of choice, so I wouldn't say her and I are the best of friends either. Eh, it's Lin, she's nice I guess. You know, when we're not trying to kill each other.

I hate not being able to fall asleep. It is the worst thing, I think, anyone can experience. Sleep in a necessity to function properly and it seems to me like my mind and body have a pact to drive me out of both. If I don't start sleeping more than four fucking hours a night I'm going to slay my family or something. I jog in the mornings to try and burn some energy so I can take a nap for another hour or two, but that isn't working. Perhaps it's tied in with my back pain. I wake up stiff and tight all over after such a short rest, if it can be classified as such, and I can't explain it. I fell down twice this week from weakness and sprained my left ankle one of those times. Maybe I should see a doctor.

Above all, there are two things I dislike the most. The first is light and the second is heat. What annoys me the most about the former is how it pierces through the darkness. While trying to "sleep" the other day, I turned to my left side and noticed the computer's green power LED. Not a moment later I noticed the air conditioner's light and the alarm clock's red numbers. I unplugged the clock, and got up in a mad search for opaque tape. I taped up everything that gives off light in the whole room. I am going out tomorrow to buy black construction paper to put over this poorly placed window as well. Ugh! As for the heat, I don't think the air conditioner has been off once since I've been home save for when I go out to pick up my sister or job hunt. I can't bare anything higher than 20C. It's driving me nuts and I don't know when I became like this. More problems I've taken note of though I suppose.

I'm going to lie down and stare aimlessly at the ceiling now. If I don't fall asleep, I'm going to go cut down the largest tree on my property just because it will wear me out.

Grey (5:06 AM)

Saturday, June 12, 2004

I have been feeling quite ill lately.
I think I may be alive.

Taking now a brief step back from the world at large I have decided that I am never going to actually find anything I would like to pursue right now that I can make something of myself in. For the close few that linger around me still and maybe an avid reader of the blog, you would know, and maybe even understand, the great dislike I have for wasting time. This applies to academics, hobbies, and people. Recently I have examined a number of things during this brief step backwards. I am going to settle a few things right now so that my mind is clear of unnecessary excess thoughtage.

Education - I think the education in this country is pretty much a sham. About 40% of the classes taken for a BA or BS degree have nothing to do with your major. I didn't typo - 40%. This is applicable at nearly 85% of universities across America. Tell me why, if I was a history major, that I would need to take natural science courses? What? So I can put it on my resum-ay and show it off? Here's a tip America - nobody who is anybody is going to give a rat's ass that you took Volleyball in your sophomore year because you wanted to "get in shape".

teh suck - To the people who still insist on speaking l33t to me as though it was a language I understood. Did you ever notice how when you spoke to me in l33t, I didn't respond, generally ignored you, or ever told you to shut up? Hehe. You thought I was joking right? Yeah, that's a common conception people usually get from me, but this time I'm not poking fun. I mean it; shut up. By the way, you've been blacklisted. Toodles.

Bun - I dunno what your deal is, or more amiably, what you deal is with me. I have tried to get in contact with you through another person but you have neglected to say a word or show you care at all about anything I have to say. I take it you took the words from my post 'lacking interest' to heart although, as I saw it, it in no way applied to you. While re-examining the post I did notice a phrase you had shared with me and I have taken the assumption that the similarity in what you said once and another two people said to me, you have construed as your words and taken offense. That's fine. I'm used to people not liking me and if you are to be one of those people, so be it. But, just so you know, I have until the 23rd of this month to cancel your plane ticket, so I will be doing so if I don't hear from you until then. Don't ask me why I'm giving you a second chance either. But if you take a moment to reflect on things I have told you, you should find yourself so fortunate to have one at all. I don't care at all that you play AoD either. Get over it.

P.S. In the event that we don't speak ever again I must thank you most graciously for *using* me to get out of your little tiff with Mikey. Putting me in that situation sparked the most silent conversation between my roommate and I lasting 4 months. Thanks again, really.

Friends - Glenn and Brad are both having second thoughts about their majors again. Well, for Dezzy, it's his third thought. I am certain that they will figure out what's going on, but I must comment that it is actually rather silly that the three of us are kinda-sorta going through similar processes. Glenn and I are both doing that which we don't want to do anymore because we're already so close. At least I know that I'm going to do that whereas Glenn maybe still has the choice to change his mind and supporting parents who will listen to him and not throw it back in his face later. I know Brad will figure out what he's doing. It doesn't seem like he's going to swap his major, but it's always an open option I suppose. He's the other most stable dude I know so I'm sure his decision will be the right one. As for me, I am rather unstable these days, not knowing whether I'm coming or going or whether that's important and further more if I care about the outcome or not. Hrm. Probably not.

Mounting tape - This is very good stuff by the way. I've found it handy in the most unusual way. For the record, mounting tape is difficult to get out of dog hair. Posters, remotes, whatever. It's good for many things. Get some.

Roots - While I've said it before, I'll say it again... Nostalgia is poison but tradition never dies. Because of this phrase's tactful message, it has been accepted into the Greylandomicon. It will be published in the third book entitled 'Trexcer' chapter 1, verses 7 and 8. So, in honor of the octet meno cin, GT Chicken Night will once again be reinstated. Here is the new agenda for all citizens of Greyland.

What: Anything you like off the Chinese food menu!
Where: Your house!
When: Every Friday @ 6pm EST!
How: Chopsticks preferred, but forks will do. Rice is allowed.

Please remember to make time. For those of you in Central, Mountain, or Pacific time zones, you may celebrate at 6pm in your time zone. I know people work. People hate their jobs. They should be given a fair chance to celebrate! If possible, celebrate GTCN with friends or family and please tell everyone about it!

La sason! - The MUD is doing well. Status goes in next week. I want to revamp the guild situation because while I like the implementation, I don't like the need for reincarnation and I think it's a fucking stupid idea. Nowhere in our history in reincarnation stated and nobody is really willing to write it in. On top of it, it's nearly impossible to implement with our autolevelling system. So, any suggestions anyone? What if I made guilds like jobs you can switch to and from? Ugh.. I hate that idea here too. Bah, somebody gimme clues.

Some other stuff on my mind, but it's too random to group into small, related paragraphs so I'll skip it. Goodnight!

Grey (1:45 AM)

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Every few weeks it becomes time to try to secure coders. Click here for information on how to get started on that if you're at all interested. Anyone who would like to help out (for whatever reason) may distribute the above link wherever they please, although please make sure it is appropriate. Okay, enough of this chatter. Real-time!

My glass is stained in an orangey-film. Placing my nose to its rim, I sense the glass was once the home of a fruitactular punch. Deduction, as well as a quick glance around the room, spots for us the exact nature of the once-liquid. It must have been consumable, why else would it have inhabited the glass?? Well, I dunno, I didn't drink it. Strange times are these when my own glass is used under my own nose in my own room whilst I was not here. Odd indeed. On the other hand, it gave me something to do and I took mug shots of the raped glass. Yes, an interrogation was pursued but the cylindrical construct wouldn't budge. I had to get a little rough with some good-cop-bad-cop stuff but it didn't work out too well and the glass thought I was losing it or enjoying my work far too much. In any case, I failed to produce even a whimper f??{?the used and abused keeper of refreshment. I figured I should get a lineup started but my father wouldn't go for it. He looked at me funny when I explained the situation to him. He has a terrible poker face. Something tells me it was him but I'll need a warrant before I can investigate any further.

In other news, I've acquired the third part of the LotR series in DVD quality for share on my aim server. Download away oh privileged ones. Now in transit is a screener of the Prisoner of Azkaban and I am told it was quite an impressive looking movie. I may just go see it by myself tomorrow at the mall. It'd be good to get out of here for something other than job hunting and I have not yet given myself the rough-handjoblike treatment of attempting to find parking at that hideous excuse for a building.

Certain things have me down lately but I am not fretting over the future as much as I was last night or the night before. The order of events has hit me all in one swoop without much breathing room between blows. So, what the hell, why worry about crap like that. My mom will do some yelling and I'll just stand there and yawn at her and she'll think I'm disrespecting her and I'll tell her I'm really just tired of standing there and she'll tell me I'm lying and to go to my room or something, and she'll start up being all pissy again and it will cause a schism in the familial structure days before my sister's "sweet" sixteenth which, at the rate this paragraph is going, is bound to be a horrid showcase of emotional exaggeration from parental unit M and over-comforting siding and shoulder rubbing from Captain Shmuck whom she married. I will look like the bad person again, as I am used to by now, and she will play wounded soul. And when I tell her I'm taking care of things the best way I can, she will stand by and sarcastically nod at me in agreement, arms crossed, staring through me. Of course, she won't lift a finger to help me and it will only get worse until the renewal stage wherein she'll claim to not give me anymore chances or something and attempt to have a heart-felt moment with me where she'll want me to cry on her shoulder and I will look at her and say "Not this time, I'm leaving." and with that I'll head to my room and cry on my own and then I'll browse the internet for several hours, into the early morning, looking for opportunities, off-and-on, none of which I'll actually be qualified for and anything I am already a shoe-in for will be occupied by some prickish high school kid whose never been out of Rockland and thinks his mommy and daddy are the law of the land. This might even sound familiar to some of you! Please share!

I've been cleaning the dust out of keyboard at different times today. I'm not sure how it started but I was holding a very sharp pencil with which to scrape the flanks of keys with to loosen the powder and blow it with heavy breathing. Yeah, I could just go buy a can of compressed air but that would run me eight dollars or so. Well, I'm tired now and I have too much to say so I'll not say any of it to be an equal opportunity fuckhead.

Grey (4:07 AM)

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Insomnia has set in again. Since 2am or so I've been thinking about my future. I've been thinking as early as tomorrow's job hunt and next months parties and visitations and what I am going to do about it all, and as far ahead as one year from now. It is somewhat frightening to feel this way, all worked up about changes in the assembly of my life and what it all means in the end. I am going to finish a degree I don't want anymore and be stuck with some job I equally don't want. A chat with Glenn today made me feel less at a loss but it didn't comfort me any really. We exchanged a fair number of complaints about our subjective lives and I felt I learned a bit about his opinions on the topic of education. He's thinking of taking a liberal arts major because he doesn't want to do the engineering anymore. I felt it would come to this, but a part of me also felt if he got through this semester, and he did, that he would pursue his life-long nightmare of having a well-paying, detestable job.

Why does America have to be so set in its (terrible) ways of making kids go to a useless high school wherein no real knowledge is obtained and the most important you "learn" is the pythogorean theorem? Why do they expect us to know what we want to be when we "grow up" at age 18? We KNOW for a fact that education in this country is failing. Partly, it is due to the over-emphasis on structure and the under-estimation of our youth. Our youth should be challenged more, or be forced to take remedial types of classes. The few bright students should not be tossed in with kids who are in more "advanced" classes simply because they're older. We assume that knowledge and retention comes with age on such a linear scale that we doom ourselves. The transition from my high school to my first university was not linear, but exponential. My high school did not prepare me for that at all, nor did my up-bringing, which sucked by the way, and none of my "guidance" counselors were of any use to me at the tender ages in which I met with them ONCE for about five minutes in my junior year.

With my failures preceding me now, and my uneducated survey of the field of schooling, I feel that somewhere, something went wrong in this country and everyone says that it must be done a certain way. Free country you say? FUCK THAT. Our current president wouldn't know freedom if it slapped him in the face with its huge cock or teabagged him while he was sleeping. In this country, if you don't believe in the Judeo-Christian god then you won't get married in a church, and similarly, your marriage won't be recognized (so easily) by the state, although there is a documented (and poorly executed) separation of deity and government. Bullshit. My mother tells me every chance she gets that I must do this, I must do that, and quite frankly, it makes no sense to me why I *must* do things a certain way in this country, in this world, to make something happen. When people bump into me they say "excuse me" as if what? Are they asking me to excuse them or imperatively stating they are excused? Why the fuck do they say it to begin with? Fuck off will ya? All you did was nudge me a little! It's not the end of the fucking world! (although I always wish it would be). And if I sneeze, no fuck it, don't bless me, I didn't ask to be blessed! Are you trying to force your shit on me? Should I be grateful or defensive? Just shaddup. Mike and I didn't ONCE say "bless you" to eachother all year in our suite, nor did Greg and I. It's a sneeze, get over it lamers.

You don't escape the norms of this country at all no matter how much they say you can or they are trying to make it free. It has become very engrossing and upsetting to look at my dollar and see my beliefs, and the beliefs of many around the world, as well as the words of a few politicians, be made a mockery of with the simple words 'In God we trust'. So important in fact, they capitalized the 'g' as well as every other letter in that phrase. People are fucking DUMB. I hate garbage like Christmas and Valentine's Day and holidays of shit that happened a long time ago that we're supposed to stop and reflect on. Someone should tell the people making all these holidays that nobody cares anymore. It's just another day off to the common worker and everyday school kid. All in all, I respect the people who were willing to fight and die for this country, but most of them, and most of us even today, are blind to the things that our government does and all the nonsense tied to it, and many of them weren't given a choice anyway. Yeah, some freedom there.

Everything from tuxedos, to fancy cars, to nostalgic photo albums. I dislike all of that stuff hands down, no contest. No, I don't want to sign your yearbook. No, I don't want to be forced to look like a penguin because my sister said I'm supposed to for her dumbass party. No, I don't care that your Honda Civic has chrome rims and a "hot" transmission. I don't care what I have anymore, as long as it works. I don't care about having a million dollars, or driving a nice car, or having a beautiful girlfriend, or the biggest collection of video games, or a Ph.D. in Dentistry, or a guitar signed by some guy nobody's ever heard of anyway, or a bunch of neat books, or matching room furniture, or anything that has to do with trying to show off to people. Whatever man, just be yourselves. Stupid television shows shit like "In love Survivor" where they take people who are supposedly "in love" and separate them. Basically stranding them ALONE with some other person they obviously think is gorgeous so they can fuck up their whole relationship and everyone at home can watch and call that person a total bitch or a whore or saw 'awww..' when they make the right choice not to cheat on their spouse to-be. Then there's shit like American Idol where people with pash accents who think they know everything there is to know about everything (and probably have the education of a log) make fun of people who think they sing well because their dog doesn't howl at them while they're hitting those high notes in the shower, and they put that on TV so people can watch that shit too. What the fuck is wrong with the people who watch these shows? Reality television? It's TELEVISION people! There's nothing REAL about it. If it was really a reality show, it'd be on ALL DAY and you could tune in and watch EVERYTHING each character does on a different channel. Or there'd be split-screen action, and each character would have its own little area of the screen where his or her life would "play out" the whole time. Get a life people. Am I here to criticize you? You're damn right I am, and because it's a "free" country I can do that with this free blog of mine.

They talk about banning anything but water, fruit punch and hot lunch in high schools across the country to deal with America's "weight problem" on C-SPAN, but I think they need to address our country's "stupid problem". They need to start canceling shitty shows that corrupt our youth and stop making fucked up laws like you can't leave the stove on while walking your dog on Fridays between 10am and 3pm. Fuck it, if they're that dumb, let their house burn down. It's good population control and it's that way genetically to get rid of all the idiotic people in the species. Humans are always fighting the fact that they're an animal. That's what we are. So what if we wear high heel shoes and Sunday dresses? You'd hafta e pretty stupid to EVER wear high heels. And what's up with butt-floss? I don't think ANY GIRL finds wearing a thong comfortable. And, if you do, you're off your rocker. Wear some frickin' panties and cover your ass. Try to save some of the fun for nudity ya know?

Really, there's a lot of fucked up shit that goes on in our lives everyday in the places we are least likely to look and people eat it up like it's candy or something. I think if people were exposed to a wider variety of things that we might actually get over being surprised when something happens. We might realize that New Year's is not a time for celebration but a time to purchase a new calendar. And why do people always slow down when there's an accident, even when it's on the shoulder? If I could have one wish, it would be that people slowing down to stare at an accident would disappear in a puff of smoke, teleported indefinitely to Sillyville where they're stuck in traffic all day because nobody looks at the road and just stares off to the left or right, looking for something "exciting".

Is all that stupidity what it means to be human? I am supposed to be learning how that works so I can graduate to a level of understanding of the human race that I'm sure thousands, or more, before me have achieved, where they just don't act that way because they know there's no fucking reason for it! If that's what being human partly entails, then I am far from ever being apart of society. BeHuman will forever be only a thought, if that's the case.

Anyone who was offended by this post will just have to get over it. These are my opinions and if don't like them, you don't have to agree with them, so why would you be upset? I hope that made sense to some of you. I still believe firmly that people can do what they want to do. So, if you want to wear your business suit to work because that's what they tell you, or you really do like wearing capri pants even though they look stupid on everyone, or whatever else it is I may by criticizing people for, it's cool. In some ways, it bothers me, and I'm not friends with people who act that way and my real friends just aren't like that. This is probably why I don't have many friends, and those that I do aren't at all like the people I've described, although some of their friends might be. Rock on individualism.

Anyhow, maybe I can sleep now.

Grey (6:00 AM)

Monday, June 07, 2004

The urge to become upset came over me today.

My bouts of snappiness have exceeded a minute lately and I am starting to become worried that I won't recover from my ailments. With combat code finished and some other design issues on the table, I see the MUD turning into a real game. The core of our troubles is complete and it looks very impressive for a MUD, if I might brag a bit about the accomplishments Angan and I have fashioned. For being so distant, he and I have become a team in Troela's absence. T is missed greatly and when we think about it, none of this is possible without him. RPG buffs and action-strategy gamers alike are really going to enjoy the possibilities we are creating. But, with all the work that the core members are putting into sweetening the gameplay, areas need to start being pushed out as well as guilds.

We removed alignment today. Angan suggested it and I had to really sit back and think about it. We had been using a sliding alignment for awhile, but it was really only a guild limitation. There were no other ties to it in-game so its removal was not exactly argued against. The council decided on our administrative whims as Angan controls the docket for mudlib at this time and I am the only member, and head, of the Balance team. Silently, I think we both like our positions well enough because we get to make decisions unimpeded by the strlcture of voting, but I know damned well that we also feel too much in charge of what we are doing. Angan has wanted T back for weeks now. I am sure it has something to do with the workload, but above all, it is about credit. He doesn't want it all - he's not like that. As for myself, I think I can be modest enough to say, and those who know me can vouch for the same, that I dislike very much being in charge of a duty as important as game balance and mathematics. I know that I have at least some natural talent when it comes to gauging difficulties and making formulas and laws to govern things. Most of the time they work in the scenarios I have been apart of or seen in motion, but math has never been my strong suit. I remember nearly 17 months ago Kreios, Kaa, and I were the SoA balance team. It was then that the sliding alignment formula was made by Kreios. I saw balance becoming a department where decisions and guidelines were made by several people, but set into motion by one man (or woman, although none as of yet, but I'd probably marry her) with the "master" plan. Kreios knew what we wanted to use for our sliding alignment - your current alignment, the mob's alignment you just killed, and some random variance. He made the equation, it was as beautiful as a sunrise to us. But, alas, it has been all done away with now because I, as the sole member of the department, could not find good uses for alignment. Alignment was even overlooked in the skill balance documents when we made guidelines for all that stuff. We never even thought about a skill that modified your alignment in any way, permanently or temporarily. I had a feeling then that it was going to be something we would overlook more than just that one time.

Coupled with this, I always had trouble trying to pinpoint how much alignment mattered in race balance. I realized it didn't, so I just did my best to come up with a good spread of races that covered all the alignments. I gave races a "base alignment" from which a player could choose their own alignment from there with a variation of +/- 50. So if a race had +10 base, they could have any alignment they chose from -40 to +70, just because. It had no relevance to gameplay whatsoever yet it seemed to mean something. Bah-humbug to that. The last 3 games I have dived into never even mentioned alignment, but I didn't let that sway my vote. I wanted to make alignment work, but I could find no reasons for myself or the council at the hiwiz meeting today to keep it. I felt at a loss although I did not share this view with my colleagues. I guess I was just glad someone else made a good balance suggestion, one that I had never considered, and I know I should have.

But, I wasn't down on myself. It's just that alignment has been something the "classy" games have used and with its removal I feel as though we're moving toward a newer age gaming environment. That is probably for the best anyway, as I had to really struggle to figure out how I was going to figure out how to properly balance combat with 4 attacks over 8, and it moving at the speed of a turtle with preventing attacks when switching armor and weapons in combat, not melee'ing while casting, getting weapon speed bonuses (Angan took care of this), and then figuring out how all that will work together with skills and spells and their cast times, cooldown times, and a new 8 damage-type system and the separation of the 3 physical types across the board (blunt, slashing, piercing). All this, coupled with default mob skills, armor classes increases by level for mob and players and level restricted gear threw me into a real spin about what kind of game I was really making. Was it a "good" game from the standpoint of games in its genre or was it just the best of all the games I'd already played? I have been thinking about that the past few days, while deciding what kind colour fur these vicious sewer rats would have, and writing the Lore of Berlex over the course of 9 areas, while only creating one of the at a time. I feel like I'm writing a book. So far, it's about 32 pages long in my head and on paper and .txt documents. I am sort of happy the way it's turning out, but then I remember off-projects like Paladin and the virtue system I am trying to create for them with a faith wheel.

What I need is more brainpower. What I also need to do is figure out what I want to do in my life concerning school and my education. I hate my major. I hate learning about people and their dumb shit and it's made me very anxious about meeting new people and having to talk to them and all. I've always been a private person. My workroom on the MUD is private, my aim buddylist is private, I have the most private room in the house, I don't tell my friends at school anything about me even when they ask (only a few even know my major or my real name). Partly, I blame my mother and this was something several people brought up to me in the past year. On the other hand I have only myself to blame, but not negative blame, just a positive fault I guess. I rather enjoy my privacy and my time alone. Frankly, I like hanging out with me. I watched BASIC tonight and it was a very good movie so I enjoyed myself. I like listening to my coders and helping them out uninterrupted by suitemates asking me to goto dinner or people inviting me to parties.

The original point was that I dislike my schooling. The past year was a bit hard to swallow because it was equally as difficult to chew. People started opening up to me more and it was more than one and it was on more than one occasion through more than one medium. It became difficult to help them and help me and I needed to think more about my issues and problems than theirs. Not until March did I really start to think about it; right around the time I quit FFXI. I got away hardcore and my heart hurt, literally, for days. I left behind people I didn't want to know anyway, I remembered, and that got me over it in less than a week. What I need is a survey or something that tells me what I'm good at so I can just do it. Anyone know of a place that wants people to play with figures for games, video or otherwise, and balance the playing field? What the hell is that called? I want to do that. I've always wanted to do that. I've put that past time of mine ahead of most things in life (I want to say all, but sometimes I fall asleep at the keyboard). Maybe someone can be my saviour and point me in the right (correct) direction.

I am thankful to the people who have deemed me a "good listener" in their own minds, and I appreciate all the things they have told me out of trust with wholehearted honesty. I love honesty above all things, more than I ever thought in past months. Before I had only claimed this but now I embrace it. I am sorry to those who wish to open up to me, but I must close my doors for a little while. I can't handle any distractions, not to say you are a distraction per se, but I really do need time to work out my own issues now. This will apply equally to everyone who actively talks to me still about these things. I assure you I am not discriminating against anyone. I feel playing the cards I have been dealt (blessed be those who know the card analogy) so poorly, has led me to this losing hand. This time, I don't hold any aces, suicide-kings or one-eyed jacks. I have no trumps. This is the worse game I have ever played and it is still playing out. If I'm not winning the pot, then who is, and why are they playing against me, and how come I can't see their faces.. ? It's probably not important right now anyway. So, I apologize to those who need me as a friend, or a psychiatrist, but I can't be that person right now.

I've been reading a lot lately. I finished reading all the books I bought recently, all 4, and I am deciding whether or not conditioning myself to read actual literature will be helpful for my self-imposed therapy. I completed Monster Manual II today, the 4th book. I read the whole thing and I know a lot about monsters now. I would like to know more about other people's monsters; original ones. I have created many of my own and have now been so inspired to write up a lengthy compendium of monsters. Maybe it'll turn into another book, as it is likely to be several (hundred) pages long. My only issues with it is originality. Who owns the idea to 'naga' or 'sahaugin'? Is it in the spelling? What if their 'nightmare' is my 'nitemare'. *shrug* I dunno! In any case, SoA has lifeforms so it shouldn't be (I'll regret this claim later) too difficult to come up at least 50 somewhat-"original" monsters. I am looking into monsters more tomorrow, but with arguments against originality and its near non-existency. I'll probably just take Le 'ersh out for a car ride and ask her about it. She listens to me when I talk for some reason and I find it strange but intriguing.

The night is around me, I've captured three tiny spiders in a plastic jar while writing this post. They look like triplets. I named them Marquis, Fionna, and Boston; boy, girl, boy. I'm going to go let them outside now, so they can make more baby spiders to eat the bugs in my room while I sleep.

Goodnight losers who read this whole post.

Grey (2:32 AM)

Friday, June 04, 2004
-*le dentistador*-

I finally got around to picking up those markers today. Man am I lazy! I find that when you have nothing to do, you get less done in the amount of time equal to doing something completely wasteful. Due to this observation, I will be spending a lot of time sitting in the shower waiting for my body to dirty itself. Okay, I'm not really going to do that, but it sounded like a most fantastic idea right before I logged into blogger. (Please note that the word 'blogger' is not in the blogger site's custom dictionary. Neither is the word 'blog')

I finished drawing up diagrams a few minutes ago. I think now I have all my areas and ideas down on paper. The problem is all the reading I'm doing is causing a tumor of inspiration and I can't seem to write down my ideas fast enough. What I need is a midget stenographer I that follows me around all the time. And, because he's a midget, when I no longer want to smell that cabbage-like essence, I can tuck him under the bed like a nordic-track.

I went to the dentist today. I arrived for my appointment, which was at noon, about 5 minutes early. Some folks came in after me and they went in first. After staring at their television for awhile (hoo-hah for C-SPAN *gag*), I took a firm hold of my cell phone in pocket, figuring that I'd hurl it like a ninja star, or better yet, a high-heel shoe right at the secretary's head, knocking her out cold, so I could ring that nifty little bell they had on the desk. Instead, I just checked the time. 12:12. I thought about making a scene because I never do that and there was enough people around that I would seem like a total whack-job, but just as I stood up the door opened and a nurse came out and asked for 'Steven'. I sighed, having been the victim of such poor name-calling mockery since before I could even recall. I blame my mother wholeheartedly. I threw on a grin and was shown to a room with one of those cliche dentist chairs you see in the movies. I sat down upright at first but after the first minute or so passed I decided I'd play it cool and pretend like I was sitting on a lawn chair, like at the beach, sipping a martini, chilling with the homies, carefree, etc etc, you know, that old biscuit. I mean, I was facing a window and everything, but the room's white wall and beige tile motif was totally killing my daydream.

A few minutes passed and I decided to reach for my cell phone (yeah, to check the time.. again). It was 12:21 now. I took a moment to reflect on the situations I had just encountered. I made a handy checklist for you guys (adore me fuckers):
1. arrived at dentist early, signed in, spoke to nurse and was generally ignored while other patients went in and came out of their visits with happy smiles. I wondered where the fuck my smile was and how big the jar he was going to give me one out of was, and all while mindlessly forced to experience an author's bout of C-SPAN about why we should ban junk food in public schools. Man, whoever told you this was a free country lied to you. my only thought was - assholes..
2. now, i've been ushered into a fantasy-destroying, badly decorated room that might as well have been something out of a bad horror flick, and all for what was described as a 'quick check-in', whatever the fuck that means. First of all, I checked MYSELF in and secondly, if this is what they gauge as "quick" then I don't want to see their drive-thru service. I felt as though I required a spoon with which to gag myself but I reasoned that one of those long tongue-depressors would make a swell substitute, so I got up and grabbed one from the jar in case I needed to stab something, or at least, give it splinters.
3. the doctor is cleverly avoiding me, I thought. He must know I am armed with the Widget of Worry. Yeah, worry that something bad's gonna happen when he steps in. And maybe..

"Hello! How are you?" The doctor's voice rang out. It was as irritating as it was two weeks ago and I had considered asking him if they pulled the badger from his ass yet, or whether he just liked to keep the cotton balls in all day long. I answered that I was fine. He smacked on some rubber gloves as he spoke some jargon about my mother saying I felt fine on the phone and about the hassle of making me come here just to take a peek at how I was healing. He asked me to open up. He asked me to bite down. He told me I could leave. I was ready to kill him. Dr. Bart Silverman, M.D. and the last two letters stand for Mega-Dead because I had been there now for about 32 minutes of my life so he could ask me to open my mouth and bite down and say 'well it's as I expected! healing fine!'. I mean, couldn't he have just come out to the waiting room and done the same thing? I exited the office, resisting the urge to kick him in the groin. Several times.

I had totally lost track of what I was thinking about in there, but I had stolen a piece of wood resembling a small ironing board, so rationally it either paid off or paid for itself. haha.. and the day is mine. I treated myself to some chinese food and returned home to veg a bit before I had to drive my sister somewhere and go see my other doctor.

My diagrams have flourished! and so have cracker-jacks at Yankee stadium. Peace out lemmings.

Grey (2:57 AM)

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Noon wakey! Alright, so today I went to Rockland's newest GameStop over in the Spring Valley Marketplace. I browsed their used games a bit eyeing nothing of any interest. Afterwards, I decided I deserved fast food, a commodity I don't regularly abuse these days as I stay in most of the time coding. Burger King was within walking distance so I headed over there noticing an adversities for their *spicy* tendecrisp chicken sandwich. I remember having tried the *original* tendercrisp chicken sandwich at the BK at school (when it was available that is. They were sold out of it so often it made me wonder how frequently they even reordered them). I figured 'I like spicy things' and 'burger king now offers something that might potentially have taste. I mean, even their onion rings suck.' So I just had to have one of those new fangled chicken ma-bobbers. As I looked around for a secluded table I heard one of the stupidest phrases I think I'll ever encounter, but more on this later. I sat down and unwrapped my sandwich, not having eaten since about noon yesterday, and to my delight it appeared to be a regular tendercrisp chicken sandwich with some weird looking red sauce on it. I looked at my receipt; No mayo, Add Sauce. Now the dialog..

"Sauce", I thought. "I wonder what they mean by sauce.."
"I suppose I'll eat it anyway. I mean, it really is tender and crisp, but this is in no way spicy."
I thought some more.
"Well, in comparison to Wendy's *spicy* chicken sandwich (note to self: use asterisks around spicy each time in the blog post) it is not spicy at all, but the crisp outweighs the Wendy's chicken sandwich which does not actually promote itself as being crisppity or crunchity."
I pondered writing the Burger King CEO a note on this, as his name was staring me in the face from my tray's paper shield.
"Heh.. well then. This isn't too bad. Not bad at all. It's crispy and sorta spicy I guess. And man, these onions rings are really thick, but just with oil and not much onion. Oh well. Having it my way was never all that great to begin with."
At this point I recalled the earlier bout of stupidity.
"And what the FUCK did that guy mean when he told that chick 'Well I don't think the phantom of the opera was a man who wanted to make himself known. I mean, he wore a mask, so obviously he was hiding more than his face.'"
I peeked around the corner from where I was sitting to give the man a dirty look, half-hoping he would notice, but he didn't.
"I should go smear all this *spicy* sauce all in his eyes and shit for being a fucking dumbass. Who the fuck could be that much of an idiot to think that. I swear, some people deserve spicy sauce smeared in their eyes and I am the Retainer of such Justice! The Bearer of Badass! THE TITAN OF TORTURE! And I'm gonna go smear this sauce all over his corneas!"
I took a sip of soda. I noticed the man walk out the door nearest me. I laughed thinking (well I just tell you)..
"He's lucky he left, else I would.. not.. have done any of that I was.. just thinking about."
I had finished my soda so I got up to get more, but realized all my food was gone too. I didn't realize just how hungry I had been, eating that sandwich to replenish all the mental energy I had just spent devising a way to hurt not only that man's feeling, but his vision as well. In any case, it gave me an idea for a wicked device. I'm gonna code it sometime next week I guess.

Now I've got to drive my sister around places. Hang in there squirrels!

Grey (5:53 PM)

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

I have been trying to fall asleep off and on since about 1am, at which I felt exhausted. I'd lie down for 45m, get up for 20m, lie down for an hour and 20, pace for 10m, etc. I don't get it. I should be tired, I should fall asleep. Something isn't right in my head. Sleep seems like a lost cause at this point. I've been discovering many of those this past week.

Lately its been pretty up and down. Mostly, it's been down, but I've learned to relax myself a bit and just let it hit me in the face since there's no use complaining and I can't change the present, the past, or the future and if I could, I wouldn't anyway. I've been disappointing to my friends and those who see me as a mentor and a listener. Socially, I feel as though I should say I'm sorry to the people whom I've blown off, but it wouldn't feel right to apologize in a way I don't genuinely feel. But, I know people deserve those things and it is only mine to give at this juncture. Take mine sorrows.

The idea of McDonald's breakfast has been tossing around in my head since about 6:15am when I sat up in bed, crossed my arms, and tried to feel frustrated with myself for not passing out after all the thinking I had just done lying there with my eyes closed. Sometimes I'd peek just to make sure I still had the gift of sight. I knew I couldn't be entirely awake as I hadn't noticed the morning light until I physically turned my head and saw it coming through my black curtains.

I drew diagrams today. That is what I was thinking about for the past seven hours or so. I organized my markers today and saw I lacked a few so I asked my mom to buy me a set of ultra fine point sharpie markers in assorted colours which I described to her straight from a website. I had given up my search for them when two stores I visited on my own were sold out of them. She was at the mall so I figured she could stop by Staples. As it turns out no matter how well I described the items I required to her (series #, exact colours, and section where they are located in both Staples and Office Max), she still managed to screw it up and buy three poor quality Bic pens (not even markers, more on this later), in which 2 were colours I did not even request, and all were anything but fine point. Really, I thought she had started listening, but I was incorrect. As she handed me the bag my items were (supposedly) in, she has honest in saying 'I really didn't hear a word you said past "markers"'. It actually made me smile a bit, but I knew my diagrams would suffer for it. I wouldn't try to change the past anyway. Fuck-ups are more fun. Tomorrow I'll just go out and find the markers on my own at the places I asked her to. She had gone to CVS, too lazy to walk a few more minutes in a mall she had been in since noon. My phone call had been placed at 5:55 according to my cell phone's outgoing log.

I suppose while I'm out in search of my beloved Sharpie Fine Point Series 37000 markers tomorrow, I'll swing by Barnes & Noble and pick up the other D&D books I need. At some point this month I'll ask Cornbread to come make a Greg-return for me so their price will have been more-than-modest.

I picked up the newest Godsmack album 'The Other Side' and the tracks are quite swell. The acoustic version of Re-Align is most excellent and Spiral and Running Blind are great tracks as well. The price was fair at Tower, stealing a mere 8.99 from my wallet for a 7-track disc, only half of which were actually new releases. I collect fortunes from fortune cookies.

In a bid to write the never-ending post I'll note that my id is somehow trying to make my posts sounds less mature having moved toward a child-like state of word spliced titles, run-on sentences (thank god I left QC), multi-coloured diagrams, makeshift bows, the rise of poster-like pictures, the desire to own a tapestry or 17, mouseware denial, post-it notes everywhere, more run-on stuff, boxes of bent staples, the preservation of C-SPAN 'jumpy' muteness, computer reformats, amoxycillin, unclean drinking glasses, a graphing calculator (?), and the installation hardwood flooring. I don't really remember why I got up, but I started typing this post around 7:07am and it's almost 8 now.

Anyway, leave some love.. or hate. It's been awhile since I've really been hit with either so both are welcome. For those who really dislike the anonymous commenting - I am right there with you. I may require the assistance of haloscan once again. We shall see.

Goodnight (or god morgon)

Grey (7:25 AM)



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