Monday, June 14, 2004
The past two weeks worth of nights have been terrible. I am suffering from a severe case of insomnia and my mind cuts in and out of inner conversation. Each night I crawl into bed anywhere between 12:45am and 2:30am and don't manage to fall asleep well into the sunrise sometime between 6 and 7am. I wouldn't mind this so much if my body didn't spring awake at 11:30 the same morning, leaving me with about four hours of sleep. Afterwards, I can't seem to find the sandman again and I lie awake usually for about thirty to forty-five minutes trying to decide if I should be upset or simply get up and go jogging.
I am a walking corpse. Fatigue weighs heavily upon my shoulders with each step I take so I prefer to stay seated most of the day and watch baseball games on the tube (usually muted) while I code and listen to some soft music. Sometimes I boot up Painkiller and kill zombies but more often than not I get up to pour myself another glass of apple juice.
Rarely do I go out and when I do it is usually in search of some shitty job I have no chance of getting because nobody calls anyone back and on my recent follow-ups I got the classics "we lost your application" and "we are still reviewing your application". I often wonder if it's this shitty everywhere or just Rockland. Because I don't see the sun too often I don't normally (remember to) eat lunch during the week. When grandma hollers from downstairs around 7pm each night, I often wonder what gruel she has slopped on a plate for me to eat. At least I still have some money in my pocket.
Maybe I am depressed. The thought has entered my mind. Maybe Rockland is just depressing. That thought always follows the previous one. Tonight Lindsay and I are going to see Prisoner of Azkaban. She decided she was bored on Saturday and was willing to drive to Rockland from Where-ever, NJ to see it with me. I sort of hoped others were coming, but it was a weak plan I guess. Lindsay's cool, she's just not totally my player of choice, so I wouldn't say her and I are the best of friends either. Eh, it's Lin, she's nice I guess. You know, when we're not trying to kill each other.
I hate not being able to fall asleep. It is the worst thing, I think, anyone can experience. Sleep in a necessity to function properly and it seems to me like my mind and body have a pact to drive me out of both. If I don't start sleeping more than four fucking hours a night I'm going to slay my family or something. I jog in the mornings to try and burn some energy so I can take a nap for another hour or two, but that isn't working. Perhaps it's tied in with my back pain. I wake up stiff and tight all over after such a short rest, if it can be classified as such, and I can't explain it. I fell down twice this week from weakness and sprained my left ankle one of those times. Maybe I should see a doctor.
Above all, there are two things I dislike the most. The first is light and the second is heat. What annoys me the most about the former is how it pierces through the darkness. While trying to "sleep" the other day, I turned to my left side and noticed the computer's green power LED. Not a moment later I noticed the air conditioner's light and the alarm clock's red numbers. I unplugged the clock, and got up in a mad search for opaque tape. I taped up everything that gives off light in the whole room. I am going out tomorrow to buy black construction paper to put over this poorly placed window as well. Ugh! As for the heat, I don't think the air conditioner has been off once since I've been home save for when I go out to pick up my sister or job hunt. I can't bare anything higher than 20C. It's driving me nuts and I don't know when I became like this. More problems I've taken note of though I suppose.
I'm going to lie down and stare aimlessly at the ceiling now. If I don't fall asleep, I'm going to go cut down the largest tree on my property just because it will wear me out.
Grey (5:06 AM)