Monday, January 31, 2005
Today ushers in a new piece of the spectral construct from which my life will become unraveled, unparalleled, and unseen. With eyes so blind to whites and grays, a blue day will reveal more than words of written men can say.
A moonlit day.
A starless night.
These are the motives from which the bow brings
a crashing wave of ecstascious lament.
Bring forth yourself,
read between the lines,
and find within the page some meaning for your own life.
The starless night.
Grey (6:11 PM)
Thursday, January 20, 2005
I felt like I had something to write tonight but I didn't. I think there are not enough things to say about the things I feel and on the whole, if someone doesn't care, then I'm not going to bother. Since I feel that way, I will spare the world of my droll speech on love and happiness.
Tonight marks the final chapter in BeHuman (dehuman treux). I've felt human for long enough and I do have some remarks about it. I will share those for the sake of keeping this autobiography alive.
The emotions that human beings feel are often incoherent, misguided, or simply wrong. It is difficult to endure humanity for so long when there are things about ourselves we do not understand and cannot understand about the ones around us. It was a very magical experience I must say. I have lost a few friends in my journeys and gained one that was very close to me. She was supposed to be here tonight but I don't know where she is. This is a good point to bring up as well. Even when we do things to each other unintentionally, we can leave marks or open wounds that may or may not have been there previously. And when these things happen, time is the only medicine that person and the world have to offer. These wounds scab over and we forget about them until pressed upon so sharply they cause us to shed a tear or worse, bleed. Sometimes the scabs are torn open forcefully by words or the actions of other people or even ourselves during a period of self-loathing.
Well, I think that's just what people are. They are great to be in the company of, but not always great to be in relationships or conversations with. Humans are fickle and make ridiculous decisions before acquiring all their feelings and really analyzing the situation at hand. We jump to conclusions as it may and sometimes that has detrimental affects on the future for one person, many persons, or any number of people. Chain reactions cause booming sounds to echo throughout the canyons of life and some more of the mysteries of people unravel and become outspoken for some to see; sometimes only one.
I have learned a great deal about people and have tried once again to become one myself and lead a solitary life where I tried to be less like them and more like me. It felt right for so long, and then the bottom fell out. I am going to retreat again to the safer side of where I belong, and should have stayed, once again. If I remain exposed, heart on the outside, it will be only that much easier to allow myself to be pierced again. Stupid decisions have been made and even stupider words exchanged. In plain English - I was destroyed. My scabs bleed again and new wounds have been torn open. I thought I was ready to let this go, but I was wrong. I have been wronged by many people and I was ill-prepared for this journey; my heart was never ready. I don't think my heart will ever be ready for this again, and I don't say that out of pity or emotionality. Things are different now, worse than I thought they could be.
I have but one confession to make:
I was proud to be a human and feel the way you did. But I've let life get the better of me. It fooled me, turned me around, and slapped me in the face. It will be a long time before I'll be ready to trod this path again.
I am proud to be a human and feel the way you did.
This marks the end of Chapter 3: BeHuman (dehuman treux)
Grey (2:17 AM)
Monday, January 17, 2005
I don't know what's going on, but I can understand why it is happening. You know what though? I am happy it's taking place now rather than later. For many reasons I should be annoyed or pissed off and deep down inside where my anger hides, lurking around, I'm sure it is swelling with hatred. But I am just a hopeless romantic, that I can admit. I'm patient too. I want everything to work out in the end, of course, but I know that life will throw what it wants at me and whether or not I am there to pound on the table or throw a rock at the windshield, it will happen. My opinion has never mattered to anyone, barely even to me. I have a deep respect for time and refer to it simply as the only bandaid worth waiting for.
Admitting what is going on is important to me and is very indicative to my mental health (by which I mean instability). I like the truth a lot. When all the cards are laid out on the table, I may not even be there to see the last hand be dealt. If not, then that is what has been chosen and I will cease to be anything that could have been. I'm not dealing, I'm not playing. I will probably just walk away from the table before anyone loses anymore chips. If I don't see it, the it probably didn't happen and I'm not willing to sacrifice any more than I have already bet. I'm going all-in pretty soon and if I lose by luck of the draw, then I'm back right where I started before I began playing the game.
But as I said, I'm glad. As one unwise asshole said to the next: Deal with it.
Grey (3:08 AM)
Sunday, January 16, 2005
I got to hang out with Glenn tonight and, needless to say, we hit upon a lot of the issues I have been having. He was able to offer me advice, a multitude of new jokes, and a friendly smile. I felt better while I was at his place, shooting the shit like old times.
Coming home is always a painful experience. I do not understand why I call it home. My heart is simply not to be found here. Entering the door at 4:07am this morning, a feeling of overwhelming depression followed me in. I am cursed in some way, as I always knew I had been, but this time I gain insight to the world around me. Yes, me. Let this be about me again since that seems to be the going theme this week.
An aura of malcontent is thick in these walls. They close in on me like circling birds of prey, ever-inching lower as they prepare to strike. The cloud over my head is so close now I can touch it. A gooey, black substance, rich in disgust and ill-fortune, is a forbidding omen to those that have turned their back to the craft. What do I do? Walk on upward to this room wherein all that which is so-called "mine" can be found. Things generally found as I left them, with only a glimmer of hope that they have been untouched in my absence. Something, not someone is watching me and I can feel it breathing around me at times.
The words that I lack and the nonsensical diction I bring to the table are often times the products of a collision with my mind and the hands of that which shall be named Undone. Its presence here careens over my skin gently as I turtle myself under the covers only to cause a shiver deep within my body. I feel uninvitingly cold and the rapture takes hold..
..I fall into a deep sleep wherein I lose control of my thoughts and wake up, just as I had described earlier tonight, in a dream that begins with me face down in the dirt, at the bottom of a canyon. Looking upwards as I brush the dust off my clothes, I can see the plateau from which I must have fallen, as there could be no other place. It is odd that I am not dead, having survived such a plunge, unscathed at that..
..The light is bright and the sun seems a wavy figure off in the distant horizon. The air is thick with dust and it is hard to breath. The rock beneath my feet is firm and sand blows off the top of the ground in a swirling twister of choking air. It is here that the Undone brings me. For what reason I do not know..
As best I can figure it, I am to understand that I have survived one pitfall and am on my own for a little while. It is a mind-fuck of virtual bullshit and vulgar swearing as I know I am not entirely alone in the real world and the depressing landscape is somewhat of a teasing joke. I have yet to find it funny. The corners of my mind have begun to round themselves and there are fewer and fewer shadows to hide in as the days pass.
I am doing the best I can, but I'm far from doing the best I ever did. Tonight I will think more on it and bring some closure to this demon.
Bring me down,
that's been tried.
It brought me down,
that's been done.
I'll bring it down,
tonight's the night
the parasites eat my words.
Victory has never tasted
Victorious this day
Grey (5:06 AM)
Thursday, January 13, 2005
I've really been thinking a lot lately. I would say I have been thinking too much, even blaming myself for the way I am when that in itself is not easily avoided. I can't focus on anything for longer than five minutes and I constantly feel as though I've forgotten something important, when I know factually that I do not have any responsibilities or anywhere to be.
Lately the future has been becoming more and more of a reality. While I admit I am a bit frightened about what is going to happen, I also welcome it with an open heart and an open mind. I guess I am just scared of things changing. Losing a bit of independence, living with someone, feeling love again and letting it consume me (in a good way). I have that wonderful future to look forward to, this I know. But at the same time I am having difficulty fulfilling my own dreams of putting myself where I want to be. I think I have a problem and it's time to admit it.
Living in a bit of a hole as I do, I rarely find the time to really get into the meat of a conversation with anyone aside from the one close to me, although I feel that has been a bit lacking lately as well, I don't think it is strange with how busy she will be in the upcoming weeks. I feel very detached from everyone else. I had things to say to Xerlic that never came up. Glenn has had a life of his own now for awhile and what brings a tear to my eye is that he still finds the time to call me once a week or so and I am never really in the mood to talk because by the time the phone rings I have already let my worries take hold. It's entirely the fault of my emotions and less of his classic bad timing schema.
But returning to the issue at the forefront of my mind, I have decided to seek medical mental evaluation for Attention Deficit Disorder. I understand the uneasiness some people feel in admitting they have a problem while others flaunt their innate stupidity, using it as an excuse for poor performance in just about anything and everything. A once close friend of mine, Els Rogier, told me she had been diagnosed with it in the past year, and I never thought anything of it. She was an exceptionally intelligent woman, capable of performing intricate math procedures and writing some of the most magical code I ever had the pleasure to feast my eyes upon. But she told me in confidence then a few months ago and has since progressed a long way. She took steps to recover and got her life in order and is much happier now. Needless to say, whenever I speak to her I read the words of a refreshed human being, someone who recognized an issues, addressed it, and has renewed her lease on life. For me, this is no longer an excuse - it is very real. I don't know why I did not act upon it sooner.
In between worrying about how I am not where I am supposed to be (but am), trying to remember all the things I forgot (none), placing myself in other people's shoes (unnecessarily), and becoming overwhelmed by a hyperactive feeling that I am wasting a lot of time (what else is there to do?), I have just been playing the game. I am trying new things and I guess all the running around with seventeen other people has driven me to the brink of insanity in just under two short weeks and only half a dozen events later. I am not trying to make a name for myself at all. I remain cool and calm in-game, cracking the occasional joke to muse the cavalry, but feel completely different seated in front of the keyboard.
Worry: Maybe, but I have never really fallen victim to that.
Frustration: Considered. Certainly a possibility. But with what?
Lack of enthusiasm: Nah. If I didn't want to be there, I would've stayed quiet.
Depressed: A little since none of my friends from MS could be there with me.
Detached: Yes, a lot. I miss my old linkshell a great deal and don't check in often enough.
Lonely: Different from detached. I don't know any of these people really. They're nice though.
Unworthy: At times. Perhaps it was too early to join.
Wasteful: Like(optional: ,) I could be doing better things (optional suffix: anyway?).
I can't seem to convey what I'm getting at, but I'm not in it for me and I don't think I really got anything out of it until tonight when I received trust from them in some way. It felt good to be something other than just another Paladin. It's just a game anyway. There are no such things as Legends.
Inadequacy.. that word has reverberated in my head since last weekend. I think I had a bad nightmare or something (as opposed to a good nightmare of course). Having faced the ADD problem, which I feel does exist, there have been other things eating away at bits of whatever soul I have left, only not as fast as it's growing back, but still substantially slowing any noticeable healing. I have become a little frustrated with my shortcomings and jealous on a different number of meaningless occasions. I suppose I am letting past experiences sway by judgment a little but how can I help it? There are different things and there are very few similar things, but the latter seems to really irk me at times. I know it's not the same and I have both given and received trust. What I need is physical confirmation. The skin peels away and my hands hurt every morning when I wake and every night before I go to sleep. I want a touch. Something real. Something long-lasting. And when all is said and done I want to just lay there, smile for a while, and burst into a truly elated and euphoric giggle. I know what's going on inside, but I haven't been able to focus lately and I am truly sorry for that. Forgive me. Give me some time, everyone, you, and I will be back on track. My mind is just.. tired. That's the only word I can come up with to describe it. It's worse than exhausted, but tired just seems to put it into perspective right now at this early hour.
You know I think for once I am not going to really state anything I really want. I have already gotten enough of what I want in the past three months and I think I might be pushing it a bit. I remember a time when I was under the impression that I was only allowed to smile a certain many times, so I'd save my smiles for when it mattered most. A part of me still practices that. A part of me wakes each and every dream, sits up, smiles as wide as I can, and plunges back down onto the pillow. I have this vision often, nearly every night. The sun bathes me in a maize light and I can feel its warmth across my skin and my hair is long and hanging down as I arch my back in a half-stretch as I grin like a fool before falling back asleep. Maybe that's what I really want and subconsciously I am trying to tell me. So in the end, I lie. There's my aspiration, I guess. (just one).
I am coming to you tonight feeling a bit more confidence somewhere deep down inside. It is difficult to describe with any amount of wording but I think what I am trying to say is that I still need time to grow into these new feelings I am having for myself. And while I would like the support of my friends and it certainly would be nice to have even one person in this house put a hand on my shoulder, look me in the eye, and say "I stand by you", I know it isn't going to happen. Feeling that emotionally as I typed it almost made me shed a tear. I am sure that it was to feel sorry for me never having their support in anything, certainly sure of that.
I took an hour of my time to focus my attention on the issues I wrote tonight. I don't think it was enough, nor did I examine them in a manner I would have preferred; outdoors and in the dark. I made a great deal of progress although it feels like nothing at all. I suppose you must scratch the surface before unearthing the whole set of bones though. I simply hope (not an aspiration, mind you) that I will discover it all before I end up like those very same bones, lying there, dry, uncared for, forgotten for so long. I will try to renew my interest in life and from now on I will definitely be trying to get things done for myself.
All I need
is a little
peace of mind
Grey (3:48 AM)
Saturday, January 08, 2005
I was all bundled up, ready for anything the winds had for me today. I tossed and turned all night but I managed to sneak in at least twenty minutes of sleep. Even though the hardwood floor may look uninviting, eventually you warm up to it.
Fluffy was not her usual self. In fact, lately she has been very rude to me. She doesn't say hello in the mornings, still growls at the neighborhood kids playing outside in the snow, and won't even touch her food. I don't know how she keeps going.
Anyway, why am I writing about this! The good news is I jogged today and I feel it in my bones again! That's right, the feeling of champions! I don't need steroids or drugs of any kind to keep me in shape. I'm fit is a fiddle and all those chumps out there are just that; chumps!
I did my morning stretches and rubbed my legs through and through. Was I ready? Yes. Did I want it? Badly. I put on my gray sweats, wrapped my checkered scarf around my neck and squeezed into that warm, tight blue parka and I ran. I ran so long and so fast I think I broke land-speed records.
Just when I got into my natural stride, which I must admit is very good (I don't think anymore runs better than I do, at least not in these times), I fell! Blasted trickery was at work here! I skimmed my knee as I feel forward onto the pavement. I think I twisted my ankle. I was so far from home, and looking in either direction I couldn't decide what I wanted more; cigarettes or to see Fluffy one last time before my career was over.
I tried to stand, but the pain was unbearable. I stayed there along the road side for a few minutes, my left right ankle throbbing. My foot landed right on that rock and I couldn't push off of it. I fell to the side and grabbed the guard railing and landed in a pile of mud. That rock hadn't been there yesterday or the day before. Hmmm.. someone had put it there on purpose! Someone who reads minds I think. There is a foul plot afoot and I mean to get to the bottom of it!
~The Epic Tales of Joggy-Smokey Lady, Volume 15
Grey (2:05 PM)