Thursday, January 13, 2005
I've really been thinking a lot lately. I would say I have been thinking too much, even blaming myself for the way I am when that in itself is not easily avoided. I can't focus on anything for longer than five minutes and I constantly feel as though I've forgotten something important, when I know factually that I do not have any responsibilities or anywhere to be.
Lately the future has been becoming more and more of a reality. While I admit I am a bit frightened about what is going to happen, I also welcome it with an open heart and an open mind. I guess I am just scared of things changing. Losing a bit of independence, living with someone, feeling love again and letting it consume me (in a good way). I have that wonderful future to look forward to, this I know. But at the same time I am having difficulty fulfilling my own dreams of putting myself where I want to be. I think I have a problem and it's time to admit it.
Living in a bit of a hole as I do, I rarely find the time to really get into the meat of a conversation with anyone aside from the one close to me, although I feel that has been a bit lacking lately as well, I don't think it is strange with how busy she will be in the upcoming weeks. I feel very detached from everyone else. I had things to say to Xerlic that never came up. Glenn has had a life of his own now for awhile and what brings a tear to my eye is that he still finds the time to call me once a week or so and I am never really in the mood to talk because by the time the phone rings I have already let my worries take hold. It's entirely the fault of my emotions and less of his classic bad timing schema.
But returning to the issue at the forefront of my mind, I have decided to seek medical mental evaluation for Attention Deficit Disorder. I understand the uneasiness some people feel in admitting they have a problem while others flaunt their innate stupidity, using it as an excuse for poor performance in just about anything and everything. A once close friend of mine, Els Rogier, told me she had been diagnosed with it in the past year, and I never thought anything of it. She was an exceptionally intelligent woman, capable of performing intricate math procedures and writing some of the most magical code I ever had the pleasure to feast my eyes upon. But she told me in confidence then a few months ago and has since progressed a long way. She took steps to recover and got her life in order and is much happier now. Needless to say, whenever I speak to her I read the words of a refreshed human being, someone who recognized an issues, addressed it, and has renewed her lease on life. For me, this is no longer an excuse - it is very real. I don't know why I did not act upon it sooner.
In between worrying about how I am not where I am supposed to be (but am), trying to remember all the things I forgot (none), placing myself in other people's shoes (unnecessarily), and becoming overwhelmed by a hyperactive feeling that I am wasting a lot of time (what else is there to do?), I have just been playing the game. I am trying new things and I guess all the running around with seventeen other people has driven me to the brink of insanity in just under two short weeks and only half a dozen events later. I am not trying to make a name for myself at all. I remain cool and calm in-game, cracking the occasional joke to muse the cavalry, but feel completely different seated in front of the keyboard.
Worry: Maybe, but I have never really fallen victim to that.
Frustration: Considered. Certainly a possibility. But with what?
Lack of enthusiasm: Nah. If I didn't want to be there, I would've stayed quiet.
Depressed: A little since none of my friends from MS could be there with me.
Detached: Yes, a lot. I miss my old linkshell a great deal and don't check in often enough.
Lonely: Different from detached. I don't know any of these people really. They're nice though.
Unworthy: At times. Perhaps it was too early to join.
Wasteful: Like(optional: ,) I could be doing better things (optional suffix: anyway?).
I can't seem to convey what I'm getting at, but I'm not in it for me and I don't think I really got anything out of it until tonight when I received trust from them in some way. It felt good to be something other than just another Paladin. It's just a game anyway. There are no such things as Legends.
Inadequacy.. that word has reverberated in my head since last weekend. I think I had a bad nightmare or something (as opposed to a good nightmare of course). Having faced the ADD problem, which I feel does exist, there have been other things eating away at bits of whatever soul I have left, only not as fast as it's growing back, but still substantially slowing any noticeable healing. I have become a little frustrated with my shortcomings and jealous on a different number of meaningless occasions. I suppose I am letting past experiences sway by judgment a little but how can I help it? There are different things and there are very few similar things, but the latter seems to really irk me at times. I know it's not the same and I have both given and received trust. What I need is physical confirmation. The skin peels away and my hands hurt every morning when I wake and every night before I go to sleep. I want a touch. Something real. Something long-lasting. And when all is said and done I want to just lay there, smile for a while, and burst into a truly elated and euphoric giggle. I know what's going on inside, but I haven't been able to focus lately and I am truly sorry for that. Forgive me. Give me some time, everyone, you, and I will be back on track. My mind is just.. tired. That's the only word I can come up with to describe it. It's worse than exhausted, but tired just seems to put it into perspective right now at this early hour.
You know I think for once I am not going to really state anything I really want. I have already gotten enough of what I want in the past three months and I think I might be pushing it a bit. I remember a time when I was under the impression that I was only allowed to smile a certain many times, so I'd save my smiles for when it mattered most. A part of me still practices that. A part of me wakes each and every dream, sits up, smiles as wide as I can, and plunges back down onto the pillow. I have this vision often, nearly every night. The sun bathes me in a maize light and I can feel its warmth across my skin and my hair is long and hanging down as I arch my back in a half-stretch as I grin like a fool before falling back asleep. Maybe that's what I really want and subconsciously I am trying to tell me. So in the end, I lie. There's my aspiration, I guess. (just one).
I am coming to you tonight feeling a bit more confidence somewhere deep down inside. It is difficult to describe with any amount of wording but I think what I am trying to say is that I still need time to grow into these new feelings I am having for myself. And while I would like the support of my friends and it certainly would be nice to have even one person in this house put a hand on my shoulder, look me in the eye, and say "I stand by you", I know it isn't going to happen. Feeling that emotionally as I typed it almost made me shed a tear. I am sure that it was to feel sorry for me never having their support in anything, certainly sure of that.
I took an hour of my time to focus my attention on the issues I wrote tonight. I don't think it was enough, nor did I examine them in a manner I would have preferred; outdoors and in the dark. I made a great deal of progress although it feels like nothing at all. I suppose you must scratch the surface before unearthing the whole set of bones though. I simply hope (not an aspiration, mind you) that I will discover it all before I end up like those very same bones, lying there, dry, uncared for, forgotten for so long. I will try to renew my interest in life and from now on I will definitely be trying to get things done for myself.
All I need
is a little
peace of mind
Grey (3:48 AM)