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The Past

Thursday, October 30, 2003

I made a very long post last night that really meant a lot to me but blogger felt it better to not post it and then shut down for "maintenance". This annoyed me. anyhow, i'll make this one really brief.

This weekend's main event:
Grey does Rochester!
and next year maybe:
Grey does Germany!

Yeah, I've got nothing more to say today. See you all on Sunday when I'll probably be making one of those boring what-I-did-this-weekend posts. Alrighty folks, toodles!

Grey (12:21 PM)

Wednesday, October 29, 2003
-*Forgotten Posts*-

Dammit. I forgot to post this today. Words, or lyrics if you prefer to call them that summed up how I felt today. (minus the times i wasn't in my right, or left, mind.)

I am your spoken truth
I am the lies in you
I'm gonna make you shine in everything you do
I am your lighted way
And I'm your darkest day
I'm here to help you see you can rely on me

Just consider me your friend
I am until the end
Can I guarantee you life?
I don't think I can

This isn't the life for me
This isn't the way I want to be
And let me tell you
Death will come when I'm good and ready

I am your peace of mind
Confusing all your time
I'm running through your veins, I am your pain
I thought by now you'd know
I'll never let you go
It's time you recognize I am the devil's eyes

Just consider me your friend
I am until the end
Can I guarantee you life?
I don't think I can

This isn't the life for me
This isn't the way I want to be
And let me tell you
Death will come when I'm good and ready

This isn't the life for me
This isn't the way I want to be
And let me tell you
Death will come when I'm good and ready

Take me by my hand
And let me show you what I am
I'm taking control again
Now I know I can
Take you back to where it all began
'Cause I am

This isn't the life for me
This isn't the way I want to be
And let me tell you
Death will come when I'm good and ready

This isn't the life for me
This isn't the way I want to be
And let me tell you
Death will come when I'm good and ready

I really don't what significance the last line has, but it mostly summed up how I felt. Death may not be a far cry from me, but I'll never be ready for it. Well, maybe. And I can't guarentee anyone life, unless I keep myself away from them entirely so they don't run into the bad luck I've been having lately. *whew* alright, I'm done. *smooches to all my gals*

Listen well and you'll hear that voice.

Grey (3:27 AM)

Tuesday, October 28, 2003
-*nickels and peas*-

What's happening people? I am really in the mood for a long walk right now. I felt for moments at a time today (several) that if I went on a journey somewhere remotely un-close, but not far per se, that when I returned, I'd be right as rain. Today I will turn a new leaf over and reveal colours only the sky can see. I will become the hunted, forever running from a waterfall of needle-like feelings. I will not run, although I may pace quickly over the ground, away from the center of gravity. The epitome of fear, doubt, and pain will ruin the task I undertake if I do not rid myself of their presence soon.

What will become of he who leaves somewhere too far. They would fail. Fail miserably. So I know I cannot leave too far. I will stay where I am for the time being and look back every so often as I move away from all that is unholy to me. Do not stray too far, the wise man said, for the only one whom you shall meet upon your journey is deceit. That is a good word.

Descartes once said that God was constantly decieving him, that God existed only in a deceitful manner, and even took pleasure in observing the products of his deceit. I think he gave God way too much credit, and I'm doing the same thing right now. god. What I see as 'god' is a spec of dust in the stream of understanding; the pea under the mattress. god is but the basis for knowledge, she may be a building block, but she is not the end. god is so small in comparison to what I know I know, or what I feel I know may be a better choice of words. Things I have come to see or feel have been deceiving at time, but this is not the fault of some ethereal figure, some invisible man. This is the way we are programmed. Like robots of the future, we process information at a higher level that other animals. We can choose from our options. We can stop breathing if we wanted to. Life is strange. Life is simply complex.

There is so much more to where people have come to place a barrier called god. Do not ever stop your fiending for knowledge. Place your doubt in a cup, add a dash of cocoa powder, swirl it around, and gulp it down. The taste would have you enjoy such a feat, but the end result would be the same. Ridding yourself of those emotions blackest to you will put you a step, or maybe two, in the right direction.

Did you want to experience the world in a different fashion? I can do that. What tickles your fancy? What would bring you to enlightenment? I want to touch that, whatever enlightenment is. I want to touch, run my fingers across it, grasp it tightly, flatten it into a tiny cake, the size of a nickel, and place it in my pocket. But only a copy. I would't take it away from anyone else who could find it. They might do the same. I'd never tell anyone, it would be my little secret.

Bring it on, spread it thick and smear it heavy. Whatever may come, I am ready for that challenge right NOW. Do not make me wait oh god of who-ever-the-fuck. What could you possibly do to hurt me? I cannot be hurt. I am unbreakable. Place you pain in me and I will eat it for all to see. Place your hate in me, I will destroy it like many lives unwanted. No blood this time, we don't bleed to bleed. we bleed to feel. I need to feel. Place your pain in me.

Grey (4:03 PM)


What if you felt overburdened?
Would you lie down and rest or struggle on until the end, feeling the pain of knives constantly stabbing your chest, lungs, and eyes?
What if this were all a lie?
Would you give up now or struggle on until the end?
What if all you know were to turn around and hit you in the face today?
Would you look the other way and shield yourself from the landslide?

I told Xerlic that I hate words. I said if my life were a galaxy, i could, at best, hope to describe all that which could fit on the head of a pin. This is what the words tell me. I don't use them anymore than they use me for their meaning. They rely on me to find the right ones and together, they sum up an idea. It may or may not be the idea I asked them to lend me, but it's as close as they felt like coming. Your eyes can derive something else entirely from the idea they mean to give because here, I have no tone. The words are devoid of sound, perspective.

I don't believe in the present anymore. I can't fathom the present. If it is THIS instance, it just went by and a new present has created itself against it's own better judgement and my will. It's a prison of presence; the one thing that would comfort me from the pain. What do you all know of pain? I know a at least of one or two of you have felt my pain in some way, and everyone else is probably a far cry from pure pain. It isn't hurt. It isn't falling off your bike.

Someday I might make public how I work. There is more to one being than words or a name or a blog. These are moments in time that do not stand for much. When this entry is done, when all my entries are done, there will be no more. You may wonder, you may question why for a moment, but it will all pass. What we achieve here can lead to a greyter good. Some day, one word I use here, or you use in everyday language may even change the world.

Want to discuss lacking something integral? This word. Just because we do not do something with our lives, even if we want to do it and just never do, does not mean we aren't good people. It doesn't mean it's not the way we feel. Because V didn't write a letter doesn't mean she doesn't disilke Bush. Just because we didn't do as we planned doesn't mean it was how I felt about it. Action is something I will never forget to take again. I will stand up for what I believe in even if it means destroying a thousand other people along the way. I will show my emotions from now on. No one will like this. Too bad. I am mine.

What else is there to say? Philosophy is a mind set. May it be with you all. May time be fair to those who are undeserving and may sanity lie always within your mind's reach. I will come back. I will be in the shadows of the blog. I will walk in many of the shadows you cannot see. I will be there, always, watching, even when you hate me for it.

I will not lie. I can be dangerous.

Who am I kidding? Go to sleep children. I will see you in your dreams.


Grey (4:42 AM)

Sunday, October 26, 2003

Bouncy, bouncy cricket dance

I kinda forgot exactly what I wanted to type about today. As usual, it probably wasn't anything fascinating or interesting, or even sensical. Now it seems also to have been unimportant as I can't remember it for the life of pie. MmM.. pie. Pie doesn't have a very long lifespan when I get ahold of it.

We're going to see ::Dave Chappelle!:: on November 13th. Funny. Black. Man. woot! Picked this ticket up after trading in others for some cash. The wallet still seems pretty empty at a whopping $2.87 total. Being poor doesn't make anyone feel humble. It just hinders our ability to buy quality chicken crispers at Chili's. Chili's has too many memories attached to it; it will be stricken from the record now.

I wonder if I own all the components of soap-on-a-rope..

We have a lot of beer today. I should've had more yesterday. But now there's plenty leftover for today. Incoherently feels numbing like a spider's belly.

Someone has to develop time travel fast. I could think of several applications for it at this present time.

I wonder if we got any donations yet. I'll have to ask Gulliver in a few minutes. Oh yeah, we need more money so donate! donate! donate! And to those of you who are poor you either are suffering a bout of misfortune, enjoy being poor, or deserve it. I'm one of the ones who deserves it. But my $2.85 is going to the fund. And I'll keep my 2 cents in case anyone needs some advice.

Never forget what happened, although it is probably more comforting to never remember instead. I think that's what I'm doing and it's poisoning my mind, my soul. Who am I kidding.. my soul left. My heart is in a back-pocket somewhere. I never took it back. Bah. I don't need it. I can breathe on my own now. Playing pool was fun - shoulda racked 'em up one more time.

I threw up the other day. I didn't think I'd be able to say it, but they're just words and anyone who knows me has already heard it from someone else anyway. I coughed up some kinda fleshy sac thing. Like a cyst or a growth or something. It was all slimy and gross. I thought more about putting it in a zip-lock bag and keeping it than the pain I felt after hurling it into the bowl. There was a lot of blood. I didn't pass out though, dunno why. Normally I would have but I felt comforted. Like a baby in a cradle upon a strong branch, unrocking, unwavering. I slept a lot and I woke with a headache - ibuprofen never kicked in I suppose. But my throat felt better, coated, flemy. So I coughed a lot but I didn't wheeze or feel esphysematic (word? spellchecker will uncover the lies!!!) [apparently too many lies for my taste, screw it].

New day. No meeting. I hope something good comes of this Sunday. I'm growing weaker everyday. I feel my pain overtaking me a small nanometer at a time. It's adding up and I don't have the energy to push it back any longer so it's just an un-choice of waiting it out, hoping that collision misses this time. I'm too weak without my friends and everything else I selflessly gave away to someone. Things will come round full circle for me. I like Circles. Perfect circles. In my head, all night long. I had many dream last night, none of which are worth sharing with blind eyes.

Grey (2:37 PM)

Friday, October 24, 2003

I have found some kind of temporary sanity in this...
shit, blood, and cum on my hands.

full circle.

Disregard anything I may have said in the past week concerning my emotions. Whatever has been felt ceases to exist at this present time. Like a kangaroo knocking at your door, you say "What the.. ", and be sure to leave Mother of god out of it. I don't believe in cursing the dead. They can't fight back, it's unfair, and overall, probably unsanitary.

This brings me to my next topic: seamonkeys.
I saw my first seamonkey today. She wasn't much to look at, but Phil is going to try to play God and have her brains (eh?) fucked out. He says she can squeeze an entire population out before she dies. This ought to be fun. I like pencils.

There is still glass next to me. It hasn't been washed in days, maybe weeks. I feel like I'm dying, I know I am. A crumpled piece of paper told me so, so I kept him around and he sits on my desk next to me.

I make sentences like a 3rd grader. Lot of flashbacks from third grade have been happening lately, seems to me a bit strange. And lately, I have felt like I've regressed back to those "happier" times in my life. With opportunity comes options. And with options comes choices. Someone said you're not supposed to start a sentence with "and" but too fucking bad. If you don't like it, feel free to drop me an email with your concerns.

Midterm in exactly 4h. I studied, sure, but it didn't soak in. I'm not a god-damn sponge Mr. Citovsky. Your class won't mean anything when I have a job in where-ever-the-fuck in a few years. Tomorrow my mp3 player arrives. The robLog is hot tonight.

I'll apologize now to anyone who I may have hurt this week, or anyone who took offense to a post, or on the MUD, as happens often. I won't tell you irl because this isn't directed towards anyone, and those who feel it is, or should be, will probably be more offended. That's right, I love you all equally. If I didn't it wouldn't be fair to the people I dislike. So.. ignore this whole section and keep reading.


I'll bring back the post-it notes when I get a chance sometime. I have a bunch leftover *gasp!* from last semester *gasp!!*..

. o 0 ( Oh shut up already )


Now back to our regularly scheduled programming. Do you find this all hard to follow? What about today's word? Did you find it? It's staring you in the face from the lucky (sucky) eight-position this fine morning. Someday, somehow, I'll figure out what exactly frogs were thinking when they first started croaking (the sound, not death).

Plan "Keep the morons awake" is going very well thus far. Tomorrow (today for those not living on GLST (Greyland Standard Time)) we're going to hit up another building on campus in hopes that we're not going to be the victim of Ghost Town, Long Island. People really ought to stay on this campus on the weekends. The reason that there's nothing to do is cuz no one's here!! (pure speculation). Damnit, I AM always here. bolTON is ALWAYS here! There's gotta be something to do fug-bizzits!

Tele, tele. hopefully this will ring at some point tomorrow. There is some business I'd like to take care of all around with several people. Don't be disinterested if you're not one of them. At some point, I'm sure your tele will ring too. If not, I'll have Glenn say a prayer for you. That *might* work, but he says God is a busy man usually. Meetings, rioting angels, and the like. Paper birds.

If anyone needs anything, or has found a girl that is dumb enough to meet me, drop me an email. I never really get any important emails. It would be a change from the norm if I didn't have to delete school junk-mail every other day or so and there was just ONE solid piece of information that actually had the potential to shift this meteorological path toward some other planet in hopes of a mass collision. Why do they always miss? I hate the horses today.

I will see thee again tomorrow Mr. Blogger. Oh how sucky your life must be, a slave to the template, a victim of post & publish. *tsk tsk* Somebody throw this soul a calendar so he can watch his life wither day by day.

Have good mosh pitting!

Grey (4:28 AM)

Thursday, October 23, 2003

You know, on Seasons of Almadyn, we do A LOT of MUD work. We're really into it too. Ocassionally, we talk about other things. Like mooseses.. moosi? mooseys.. yeah, whatever.

[gossip]: Grey throws his head back and cackles with glee.
[gossip]: Grey just had a wicked idea.
[gossip] Grey: Lochar, we'll need a lot of balloons.
[gossip] Grey: Troela, we'll need some glue.
[gossip]: Lochar goes 'oh'.
[gossip] Grey: Someone tell Alarielle to grab a deck of playing cahds.
[gossip] Grey: Hanni, you bring post-it notes.
[gossip] Grey: And i'll go grab a large moose.
[gossip] Grey: Then, we'll meet back here and I'll tell you all the plan.
[gossip]: Lochar blows some balloons, red, green and blue.
[gossip] Grey: no no, we're filling those with the glue.
[gossip] Grey: well, the green ones anyway.
[gossip] Lochar: but i havent got the glue yet
[gossip] Grey: Troela takes a long time to do these things, we might have to
exclude him for this little scheme.
[gossip] Troela: hmm. we'll trick the moose into a bush-resembling heap of
green ballons. His antlers will prick the ballons and we'll have a
glue-covered moose. I'm following this far.
[gossip] Grey: yes.. but do you know where the cards come into play?
[gossip]: Grey goes 'bahahahaha'.
[gossip] Troela: i'm thinking that a moose glued with playing cards and an
alarielle will stun ainka long enough for you to get the babies?
[gossip]: Ainka ponders the situation.
[gossip] Grey: dammit.
[gossip] Troela: it's just an old variation on the "Look over yonder, a
monkey" theme
[gossip] Grey: Well, not exactly what I had in mind, but it's a better idea
then the one I had. Glad I thought of it.
[gossip] Troela: how else do you make babies? :)

Grey (11:01 AM)


Plan is underway..

Tonight, the suites Eisenhower 106 and 214 had a meeting at 10:45. We decided that we were going to try to have one of us break a world record, and possibly make a little money off that if there's a prize of some sort.

What we concluded was that we were going to have Greg AND Fred (two is just sooo much better than one), attempt to break the record for most consecutive hours without sleep. Currently the record is 260 hours, which amounts to 10 day, 20 hours for all you non-mathematical people. We also came to conclusion that we were going to need a large amount of money to sponsor such an event for things like entertainment (video game/movie rentals), caffeine and carb-injected food, and paying for women to shower with him to keep him awake (if it's in the budget, clean, not dirty). So we drew up a nice speadsheet people could print their name on, their room number, their phone number, and their amount or item donated, and their signature of support. If it doesn't go through, we could always just give the money right back to them, and we were going to reassure these people of that since we know everyone here at school is pretty much tight for money.

Well, Gulliver, The Yellow Dart (Greg), Phil (just .. Phil), and I grabbed a box to put food in, one signup sheet for Eisenhower building, two black ink pens, and an envelope for money, and started knocking on doors starting with room 100. We got a pretty good response rate of about 75% and pulled in a cool $11.11 plus a lot of canned food, coffee beans, and sugar-filled candy to feed our participants with. A lot of people really seemed into it. A lot asked questions, gave advice, or commented on the pure stupidity of the idea, but still laffed and even gave something out of the kindness of their Long Island hearts.

Not bad for our first night. For anyone willing to donate money money, you can click the paypal link below or the one on Gulliver's Palace, a site I highly recommend if you like to laf your arse off. We are going to film all of the events that happen and record progress of our participants. Donaters will be entitled to a copy of the tape, possibly, if all goes well. Well, that's my shpliel for tonight.

Anyone who donates will receive an honorable mention should Guiness allow such space for it in their book!
Thanks you the support guys!

Grey (2:27 AM)

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

I can't sleep.
I can't anymore. Too much is going on right now.

I spent most of what I had saved on an mp3 player. It was going to be an engagement ring. A second time, I blew it all. I have until 3pm tomorrow to cancel but.. whatever. It's gone now I suppose. I guess I can't look back anymore. I want to do it again, all over. I want to be right. I want to un-wrong. I am so ashamed of myself. I..

have no words to offer deaf ears.

Goodnight. Again. Computer.

Grey (2:51 AM)

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

What else do I say?

Mistakes. I never wanted that from you. I know who I do want it from and I will be plain, blunt and straightforward.

I want you back. I was wrong to neglect the only thing that mattered to me in this world. You kept me balanced out. So balanced I was able to even smile. What have I done? Nothing. And that is what the problem is. I am desperate. I am in love. I have loved you and will love you. Always. I do not know what else to say. If the people in my life knew me, if I LET them know me, they would know how I feel for you, and I know that they do, now, even have some good idea of it. To me, it is not an idea, it is a state. A state of being perhaps. Whatever it is, I will NEVER find the words to tell you how I feel about you, not now or ever. I can say the words 'I love you' but those do not even scratch the surface of my emotional pool. They do not even do you justice. My love for you is too greyt. I cannot ever overcome that, forget you whatever. If I turned around and you ran for me, would you believe again? I think you would stop yourself this time. You want to stop yourself. You want to move on into something you do not want to fail at again. No one wants to fail. I didn't. Now look what I've done. I'm making this public so that everyone can see and I don't care about what they think of me. Not a single one of them, not right now. I am no longer in control of my own life and that frightens me. I will boil over, I will struggle to stay the same. Brad, I don't want to live another day just to fight my own sorrow. I am sick of it. I have so much patience for the world and none leftover for myself. I have given that which I never had and now I have nothing left for me. I know that I am a selfish person, but apparently I am not selfish enough. Eileen, please. Everyday of my life without you is a hell I do not want to exist in. What words can I say? None. But I still want to show you that world I promised you. I never broke a promise to you. If I did, I never intended to. These words look just as plain as any other entry's words on any blog by any person in any country at any computer. But to me, these words are trying to become what I am, and are failing because the words that do become me simply do not exist. I haven't wished for anything in such a long time. Right now, I will wish that my words make sense to you, and that one day I will CREATE the right word or words that say how I truly feel. But words aside, I will show you. I will show you again, soon. If you let me show you that is. It was always for you. This one's for you. You gave me so much and I placed it aside for just a moment but that moment was long enough for you to slip away. I took to long this time. I don't want to repeat my mistakes, I have never done that, you know that true. I will not ever let you go, no matter how hard you try to wriggle away. I know it is not fair. It is how I feel. It is not because of remorse or rejection or depression - it is just me being me. I am a cold person, but not towards you. I have all the emotion for you. I offered support, I offered advice. You took very little of it from me and I appreciated you just listening. Now, I'm listening to Third Eye imagining you singing it in my car on the way to the mall. You weren't the best singer but at that time it made me smile. I'll never forget it. I am about to cry and no one will ever see. No one will care either. Maybe one. Maybe two. But that's nearly nobody. If I do not see you soon I will be over. I will boil over. Mamimi. I will no longer be human. I will have become a beast. Hope exists for me now, but not then. My hope is all that wakes me up now. It's all that has me rise up and stand upon the ground I never believed in until you came into my life. Never say 'never' to me. There will not ever be a never between us. I have run out of words. I have used up my thoughts for the day. Today, my life has gone away. Hope will revive it again tomorrow, unwillingly. Whatever the case; I love you. That just doesn't say it right, but it is all humanity could ever come up with. I am sorry for making you cry. See you soon..

Listening to A Perfect Circle - Gravity.
Feeling Grey.
Wanting more.
Nursing a spark of hope.
Living out my life sentence.

Calm these hands before they
snare another pill and
Drive another nail down another needy hole.
Please release me.

I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown.
Catch me. Heal me.
Lift me back up to the sun..
I choose to live (with you).

Grey (3:10 PM)

Monday, October 20, 2003

The feeling is not mutual.

Ever wonder what it feels like to have a bad hair day? Maybe you have had one. But what about someone else's bad hair day. Would it seem weird? I think I'm gonna give up on writing again. I'll never get my point(s) across. Even when I don't have one, or any, I still seem to rant about something. I'm becoming bored with life. Again. There's no hope for me anymore. I suppose at some point I really wished for there to be. I believed in it so hard I began to believe in myself too much. Now, I really couldn't care less. I'm going to wake up again tomorrow hoping I didn't wake up.

Forgivness is an option taken and scarred away. Like that scraping tool the dentist uses to get the plaque off your teeth. Ugh. I dislike that so much. Oh fuck it. I'm not gonna write this anymore. It's so pointless.

Grey (11:24 PM)

Sunday, October 19, 2003

New day, new bucks. Everywhere too. Never seen so many friggin' snails.

I often wondered if my mind was ever in line with another's, but then I got bored of it and stopped thinking about that. Keeping robes warm was a more important issue to me.

Last night I had some pretty long conversation with Matt and Joe. Enlightening to some degree, just plain interesting in other senses. To get inside another's head is fantastic - to a point. We all have limits that we know exist, and we assume, from there, that others have some limit to.

Problems are like jellybeans until you nibble on them sensually. Lizardman, silly you. Where did you go? That was stability too. The only thing left is bolTON. He's the most stable thing in my life. I don't like schedules or even people on certain days.

Today Greg assumed I didn't "talk that way" because he'd never had that type of conversation from me. He assumed I was trying to be intellectual - something I never claimed to be. He even called me clever. Ok, fine. But you can never know someone because of the words they share with you. Ideas allow you to generate a better idea, but it's not the same idea they have, not the same mental image of the Jabberwocky, not the same way it's received and interpreted. Nuh uh. Greg, you were not right today. I won't say you were wrong, though.

Joe had work. I could talk about that but he didn't mention anything yet so I'm not in the position to do that and no one wants to read it either! I'm assuming of course. You could find Joe's telemarketing very stimulating or exciting, but I'm just going to generalize that you'd in no way care.

But it doesn't make any sense, it never did. I'll leave it at that. You want philosophy from me? You want knowledge from me? Fuck you. Get your own. I'll say what I please.

Everybody put their hands together for the new blue. I hope you enjoy it. She'll be here all week taking requests. Please remember to tip your waitress.

Grey (7:32 PM)

Saturday, October 18, 2003


I awake. I lurched my way to the bathroom to discover Glenn. I know he'd already been found, but It felt like something important. I grabbed my necessities and headed out to the porch. I felt the handle, warm from the previous owner. I felt as if it was mine now. To control, to govern, guide. It was cold. It wasn't supposed to be cold. I felt cold. Something lost and slowly climbing its way back to the top. I tried to reach out to lend a hand, but I feared the touch. I always do. I'll never be the same again. Me..

I want titles. I want moods. I don't do links. I need something more to express myself. I need community, feeling. I've never wanted that before. Popularity? No - disgusting. I don't want blogger. I realize I need to move on to something better. I talk to much. I analyse too much. I speak british english. I want colours. Auburns and reds and yellows and blues.

As bolTON reads he lies on his left side, perched up on his left arm supporting his head, book at the perfect angle. As he progresses, he slowly lets his arm slip higher up on his head. It's like a slip and slide of hair. bolTON. Moments later, he re-aligns the book to fit his new stance on psychology. It becomes a 45 degree angle with his elbow, still supporting his head but less interested. He turns the page. He doesn't want to go on, it pains him. Constantly; psychology. His head rests on the pillow, book on his chest maybe. Uncomfort. Snoring. Almost a waste well worth the time.

Too much at once has happened lately. How do I follow-up? I want to so badly but I looked too far into the future and it's gone now. Randomness is my key to success but my words can't be as such. Neither. If they were random, you'd never understand. What's that anyway? Does anyone ever understand? Inherent evil. Selfish. Stupid. Evil. People. Coca-cola. Calendars. Doodad cups. Snails. Windows. Refrigerator. Disorganisation. Social committees.

How am I supposed to feel. I never stopped, I just kept going. At some point the road ended, the dirt began, sunk its way into my teeth, and stole all my possessions. Powerful. I'll never be anything so greyt or special. I am me. Dirty now. Toothless. Scared. Afraid. Painful. How can you all say anything. Feelings are inept. Lonliness is always a lie. Absence of heart maybe. Back pockets and worker bees. Trees and cows. How do I know what is 'right'? heh.. questions. This may sound depressing, but this is my mind right now. This is what I want to convey, to pass-on, to link somehow the way a mind does not want to be connected. My posts will be my mind's eye unless I find something else important. Only thoughts are important.

Boys suck at sucking. bolTON said so. Psychology, mind you. Brains and dryers. Computer me now, please.

Try imagining the purest blue. Crayola doesn't make the colour. It's in your head. Have you discovered that shade? It's not a shade I suppose, it's the purest. Minus blemish. Untouched and pure. I want to be pure. Possibly not. Do you know me yet? Yes, you. Do you want to? Come find me, now. Now has left, so try again later. Words are such a lack of feeling. They suck. I won't speak your leet, or whatever you call it. Does that make me uncool? Fuck. You.

Red necks (two words, *giggle*) and horses probably go together so maybe I'm improving. We'll see tomorrow. I will return again.

Grey (4:51 PM)


Eileen. (not a personal entry)

Eileen and I broke up. I agree it wasn't working out lately. I think she cheated on me too, again, but I don't seem to care anymore. She says I didn't understand her anymore. I think it's really hard to do that when someone doesn't talk to you ever about her problems or anything. But I did the same thing too, I was dumb. She was dumb too. No biggie there. I loved her, a lot. We were together for several years and is one of the coolest chicks I'll ever know. She'll forever have a place in my heart, somewhere mis-located and ill-remembered. There is too much to say in just words. Maybe again, some day, we'll be friends again, close again. It was always all for you.

I know I should feel sad. I wish I was (more sad?).


I don't know where to begin. You have been there for me when I needed someone to talk to. You kept me sane. Maybe Eileen was right. Maybe there's someone out there better for me.. Maybe it's you. I don't know. I don't think you do either. Whatever happens between us, let's just make the best of it. I hope something does happen. Deep in my heart I do, but I will keep my promises to let it run its course. You've inspired me to write again, code again, and given me a new outlook on things this semester, especially these last few troubled days. Your presence is a god-send and I have only thanks to give. Come be with me again and we'll discover a new world. You and I. Together.


You are my best friend ever. I know that when I was dating Eileen we never had many long chats. And when her and I were apart, you were really there for me. You are the best d00d a guy could have as a friend. We will have those long chats again. We'll play Guilty Gear again. It'll be you and me in 1st and 2nd this time. Of course, you'll win (cuz I'll throw the match *cackle*). Nah, you'll wreck me, I'm outta practice. Let's chill again, be friends again. I feel somewhere along the way we sorta lost pieces of our relationship. Let's do what we used to do again. And for Christ sakes! Bring Mishelee along sometime!


Dude, I dunno what you've been up to lately, I hardly ever see you, but there's something I know is true - you are becoming a real Christian. Your beliefs have become a push in the right direction for me and your fayth has inspired others to follow you. You have since become a leader and not a follower anymore. In my eyes, you're no longer the tool I sometimes made you out to be to others (I was an ass), and you've grown into a young man. I'm glad I was there to see it all happen. Just chill out with the chicks, you'll stress out and find life uninteresting. Be cool bro.

bolTON. (unkle bolTON sleeps here, your mom sleep here)

I don't know what happened! Suddenly we're roommates and things have become really cool. When I need a smile, you're always there to offer a laugh, throw out a joke, squawk, whatever. In any case, it's been something that has kept me going, something that makes me want to look forward to a new day. Without you there is only silence in this room, a deafening silence that would drive me madder than I've already become this past week. Thanks man, thank you.


Greg, your life sucks. You need to find a new deck of cards to play your life out with. I can't help you in any way, but I know that one day, you'll be a greyt physicist and discover what God himself is made of. Then you'll blow up the lab and lose all your data cuz you suck at life. I guess it's the way it has to be. Oh and dude.. I can fuck your sister now so gimme her cell number. Rock on Yellow Dart.
Oh yeah, you owe me 50 bucks and pot. holders. made of hemp.

Matt. (The White one)

Another inspiration. Even when shit looks down, Matt comes through. Somehow you've managed to run a successful website that I've now linked to the left (Gulliver's Palace). Your creativity and laughter has fueled many a conversation. Your opinions were always valued and will always be as I live on into old age. Sometime, we'll talk about the Norse Play-by-post. I'm interested (slightly). HINT: Play Age of Mythology.


Stop letting Matt trample on your soul. When it becomes too much for you to handle, just punch him in the face.
a) it'll make you feel better, and
b) he'll admit to deserving it.
Keep rakin' in those hotties you Russian heart-throb you.


What can I say Joe? If I was gay, I'd fuck you. You're the most passive evil person I know, next to me. What you need is more creative output in life. Leave the Sims alone, they didn't harm you! Joe, you have my every blessing and I could use yours at times, but we don't have the kind of relationship. Perhaps we should talk more about life and other evil and upsetting things.

Sujit. <- look over here Suj

You think I would forget you? Hah. You always did draw conclusions. If you're reading this you scrolled down looking for your name anyway. Well here it is.


You know Phil, you're always late for CAPA quizzes and you are really lazy when it comes to the Math Hw, but it's cool. I've removed you from my shit-list cuz I got over the Math test thing, and besides, you're Phil and your girlfriend is hot. You're either sleeping right now or feeding your Battlefield 1942 addiction on Matt's computer since Battlefield 1942 broke your computer (probably). Perhaps our friendship will grow. We've got 7 months to figure it out, and more next year! Oh what fun Phil. Perhaps one day you'll inspire me to become a hottie like you. *smooch*


Don't worry about the code man, it's lying! You and I have become pretty good friends. We laugh together, we code together, what could be better than to have an intimate code-based relationship with your neighborhood MUD Administrator? One day we'll meet man, and we'll smoke alllllllllllll the green I have. It'll be fun. We'll have some beers, and generally have a good time. One day man, one day.

I hope that some day all my friends will come together in one place and all just sit around and have a good time. But what I want has never been important to me. Things are happening to me now, physically, but mostly emotionally. I am beginning to feel things again, tiny sparks of emotion - the true feeling of being human again. I lost that somewhere along the way. I might have to retire for awhile again. I have drained myself of all energy this week. I didn't go to class, and instead, put all my thought, body, and emotion into one task that could not be settled. I am tired of my life the way it is and I am yearning to achieve a greyter good now. I know those who will affect my life in that special way and I hope those people are willing to come along for the ride. All the friends I have had, and all the friends I have had have all had an impact on the way I have lived my life, even if only for short periods of time. To those who I have forgotten, Konecni, Tony, Jen, Caren, Pojo, and yes, even you Suj - I haven't forgotten any of you. Some of you I am closer to still and some of you I want to be close with again, but my time is sparse. As it is, I don't have enough time to spent with those who I want to, and those do not have all their time for me. I am a selfish, self-serving, "human" being. At some point I lost touch with myself, and even she who I felt I loved so much. Now, a new tide crashes onto the shore to wash away all that has been done, lost, said, and remembered. It will always stay with me, you ALL will always stay with me. This post is for all of them, not for me. I have only love for all you guys. Without you all here, I would have finished this life a long time ago.

Thank you all for all your support this week, even those who weren't aware things were happening and probably weren't up until you read this post. I would cry a tear for each one of you if I could. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Grey (6:45 AM)

Friday, October 10, 2003

wow! it sure has been a very long time (thank Xerlic for pointing that one out, jerk :P)! anyhow, just wanted to check back in with everyone, you know, ALL those people who read this dumb blog. I really have lost an interest in this. I'm still alive and kicking though. I've even started coding again. You can vote for Seasons of Almadyn (my MUD) with a link above.

Last GGX2 tourney i placed 3rd, Xerlic 2nd. Wow, that's the most eventful that's happened in awhile. Haven't been playing ANY GGX2 here at school though. I moved into my new suite and it's awesome. I'm with three of the coolest guys around, and 6 more downstairs we know from last year and/or just met.

Let's see.. I still love Eileen. I am still me all in all. I WAS taking Physics, Bio, Chem, and Calculus all in one semester but I P/NC'd Physics so I'm just gonna forget that class exists at all.

I have a lot of neat toys now. Psyduck is still a big personal favourite. Now I have a REAL frog-hat. I have SCII's Ivy but I'm keeping her in the box forever so she can be my personal love slave when I need her to be. I have Shandris Feathermoon (WC3) sitting next to me; two words - babe-licious (or is that one word? nah, two words, one hyphen I think).

Matt said I'm not as organized as I used to be, but I swear I am!

Oh yeah.. Brad had a party. He got really REALLY drunk and was breaking shit and showing Wolpert what he thought was all this "cool" stuff at the time (ie. breaking ceiling tiles) but Wolpert was too busy beating my ass in smash, so I beat his ass in GGX2, cuz I was in my prime then (Xerlic is SOOO gonna kick my ass next time we play).

What else, what else? well, summer sanutarium rocked. It would've rocked more if someone hadn't gone and someone else HAD, but that's over with now.

I like Coca-Cola.

Eileen still works at GameStop and that's good cuz we all get discounts.

The park job sucked majour ass d00ds. Don't ever work at the park, unless you like/want to have intimate relationships with squirrels. Kill yourself instead. My dad is mostly there.

Otakon was a BLAST! bolTON went too! Eileen and Brad bought all this cool stuff and Glenn bought these gay light-up lighters that Brad made fun of him for. Or something. I dunno.

StefenStock 2k3 wasn't as big a hit as I expected but I hope next year will be!!! bolTON got laid! A canadian no less!!! woo woo!!! (or should I say ewww ewww!! ? Who knows, he's happy.)

Holy shit I typed that all really fast. I'm coding now too. My man Urien and I are working on the first two guilds for Seasons of Almadyn!!! Mage guild and Squire guilds will be in by November I hope! We still need areas. Oh GAWD we need BUILDERS!! *scream*

If I forgot anything else, Xerlic will let me know. I hope.

Toodles guys!

Grey (6:17 AM)



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