Saturday, October 18, 2003
Eileen. (not a personal entry)
Eileen and I broke up. I agree it wasn't working out lately. I think she cheated on me too, again, but I don't seem to care anymore. She says I didn't understand her anymore. I think it's really hard to do that when someone doesn't talk to you ever about her problems or anything. But I did the same thing too, I was dumb. She was dumb too. No biggie there. I loved her, a lot. We were together for several years and is one of the coolest chicks I'll ever know. She'll forever have a place in my heart, somewhere mis-located and ill-remembered. There is too much to say in just words. Maybe again, some day, we'll be friends again, close again. It was always all for you.
I know I should feel sad. I wish I was (more sad?).
I don't know where to begin. You have been there for me when I needed someone to talk to. You kept me sane. Maybe Eileen was right. Maybe there's someone out there better for me.. Maybe it's you. I don't know. I don't think you do either. Whatever happens between us, let's just make the best of it. I hope something does happen. Deep in my heart I do, but I will keep my promises to let it run its course. You've inspired me to write again, code again, and given me a new outlook on things this semester, especially these last few troubled days. Your presence is a god-send and I have only thanks to give. Come be with me again and we'll discover a new world. You and I. Together.
You are my best friend ever. I know that when I was dating Eileen we never had many long chats. And when her and I were apart, you were really there for me. You are the best d00d a guy could have as a friend. We will have those long chats again. We'll play Guilty Gear again. It'll be you and me in 1st and 2nd this time. Of course, you'll win (cuz I'll throw the match *cackle*). Nah, you'll wreck me, I'm outta practice. Let's chill again, be friends again. I feel somewhere along the way we sorta lost pieces of our relationship. Let's do what we used to do again. And for Christ sakes! Bring Mishelee along sometime!
Dude, I dunno what you've been up to lately, I hardly ever see you, but there's something I know is true - you are becoming a real Christian. Your beliefs have become a push in the right direction for me and your fayth has inspired others to follow you. You have since become a leader and not a follower anymore. In my eyes, you're no longer the tool I sometimes made you out to be to others (I was an ass), and you've grown into a young man. I'm glad I was there to see it all happen. Just chill out with the chicks, you'll stress out and find life uninteresting. Be cool bro.
bolTON. (unkle bolTON sleeps here, your mom sleep here)
I don't know what happened! Suddenly we're roommates and things have become really cool. When I need a smile, you're always there to offer a laugh, throw out a joke, squawk, whatever. In any case, it's been something that has kept me going, something that makes me want to look forward to a new day. Without you there is only silence in this room, a deafening silence that would drive me madder than I've already become this past week. Thanks man, thank you.
Greg, your life sucks. You need to find a new deck of cards to play your life out with. I can't help you in any way, but I know that one day, you'll be a greyt physicist and discover what God himself is made of. Then you'll blow up the lab and lose all your data cuz you suck at life. I guess it's the way it has to be. Oh and dude.. I can fuck your sister now so gimme her cell number. Rock on Yellow Dart.
Oh yeah, you owe me 50 bucks and pot. holders. made of hemp.
Matt. (The White one)
Another inspiration. Even when shit looks down, Matt comes through. Somehow you've managed to run a successful website that I've now linked to the left (Gulliver's Palace). Your creativity and laughter has fueled many a conversation. Your opinions were always valued and will always be as I live on into old age. Sometime, we'll talk about the Norse Play-by-post. I'm interested (slightly). HINT: Play Age of Mythology.
Stop letting Matt trample on your soul. When it becomes too much for you to handle, just punch him in the face.
a) it'll make you feel better, and
b) he'll admit to deserving it.
Keep rakin' in those hotties you Russian heart-throb you.
What can I say Joe? If I was gay, I'd fuck you. You're the most passive evil person I know, next to me. What you need is more creative output in life. Leave the Sims alone, they didn't harm you! Joe, you have my every blessing and I could use yours at times, but we don't have the kind of relationship. Perhaps we should talk more about life and other evil and upsetting things.
Sujit. <- look over here Suj
You think I would forget you? Hah. You always did draw conclusions. If you're reading this you scrolled down looking for your name anyway. Well here it is.
You know Phil, you're always late for CAPA quizzes and you are really lazy when it comes to the Math Hw, but it's cool. I've removed you from my shit-list cuz I got over the Math test thing, and besides, you're Phil and your girlfriend is hot. You're either sleeping right now or feeding your Battlefield 1942 addiction on Matt's computer since Battlefield 1942 broke your computer (probably). Perhaps our friendship will grow. We've got 7 months to figure it out, and more next year! Oh what fun Phil. Perhaps one day you'll inspire me to become a hottie like you. *smooch*
Don't worry about the code man, it's lying! You and I have become pretty good friends. We laugh together, we code together, what could be better than to have an intimate code-based relationship with your neighborhood MUD Administrator? One day we'll meet man, and we'll smoke alllllllllllll the green I have. It'll be fun. We'll have some beers, and generally have a good time. One day man, one day.
I hope that some day all my friends will come together in one place and all just sit around and have a good time. But what I want has never been important to me. Things are happening to me now, physically, but mostly emotionally. I am beginning to feel things again, tiny sparks of emotion - the true feeling of being human again. I lost that somewhere along the way. I might have to retire for awhile again. I have drained myself of all energy this week. I didn't go to class, and instead, put all my thought, body, and emotion into one task that could not be settled. I am tired of my life the way it is and I am yearning to achieve a greyter good now. I know those who will affect my life in that special way and I hope those people are willing to come along for the ride. All the friends I have had, and all the friends I have had have all had an impact on the way I have lived my life, even if only for short periods of time. To those who I have forgotten, Konecni, Tony, Jen, Caren, Pojo, and yes, even you Suj - I haven't forgotten any of you. Some of you I am closer to still and some of you I want to be close with again, but my time is sparse. As it is, I don't have enough time to spent with those who I want to, and those do not have all their time for me. I am a selfish, self-serving, "human" being. At some point I lost touch with myself, and even she who I felt I loved so much. Now, a new tide crashes onto the shore to wash away all that has been done, lost, said, and remembered. It will always stay with me, you ALL will always stay with me. This post is for all of them, not for me. I have only love for all you guys. Without you all here, I would have finished this life a long time ago.
Thank you all for all your support this week, even those who weren't aware things were happening and probably weren't up until you read this post. I would cry a tear for each one of you if I could. Thank you. Thank you.
Grey (6:45 AM)