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The Past

Monday, August 14, 2006

Mia decided she was going to spend the next few days or weeks (whichever was less taxing and more beneficial) pleasing Jacob. She was going to make him do less girly crap, which she detested doing in the first place but felt it would add a bit of estrogen to her life, and start seeing the world through his eyes a bit more. It was the main focus of her plot to wrangle Jacob in such a way that he could not escape. She had overheard him speaking about a "sleeper hold" to Brad and decided it would be wise to look it up on the internet. So she did and understood what they were talking about. It was these little things that she was to do in the next few weeks that would tie the knot tighter.

"Yea Mia?"
"Tell me, where do you see yourself in five years?"
"Where ever you are."

Jacob knew he was lying, but he also knew it was what she wanted to hear. In actuality he didn't where he wanted to be so it wasn't exactly a hurtful lie.. more like an uneducated one.

"Aww, that's sweet Jacob. But I meant something clearer."

Jacob thought for a moment or two. Moments in his world were very brief and thus it was easy to fit several into a five-second time frame.

"Not sure babe. All's I know is I hate this place and I wanna leave. I wanna hop on a train and just go, get off at the last stop and declare that home."
"I see. Can I come?"
"That's the plan!" Jacob replied very contently. He went about changing the subject quickly.
"Do you like the necklace?"
"Oh yes! yes! I love it J. No one's ever given me anything.. special.. before." Mia lowered her head and sat down on the edge of her bed. Jacob, sensing something odd, turned about from her computer to look at her. He tried to make eye-contact but she was staring at the floor as Francis rubber against her leg, purring. After a few seconds he got up and sat behind her and pulled her back into his chest, holding her, kissing her head.

"You deserve it. All of it. You're the best. I don't care what you were before we met Mia. I know it's been hard, but I'm here for you now and that's all that matters. Me and Francis, see?" She gave a quaint chuckle.
"Well maybe you. Francis is a lazy fat-cat. All he's good for is waking me up to feed him and getting cat-hair everywhere!"

She un-tensed and let herself melt in his arms. She glanced over at her piggy bank which sat on her dresser.

"Jacob--country or city?"
"Hmm. Suburbs. Not quite either, I guess."

With that she turned about and smooched him hard on the lips.

"I know just the thing!"

~Seven Times Once, Chapter 5

Grey (4:13 AM)

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I'm not usually one to post twice in the same night, but it has happened once before and where there is a precedent, there is often a repeat offense. The new STO is posted and I wouldn't want to take any "glory" away from it with this post above it, but since I posted it I have really been thinking a lot about my life and the players in it, that is to imply that life is a play, and such persons within the play often have lines and are not in every scene, but those more important certainly can be.

I've been spending a lot of time in the dark lately, much to my dissatisfaction and laziness of having a blown lightbulb and subconsciously refusing the replace it on a daily basis so that I can actually use the non-daylight hours to accomplish some real work. I will briefly describe what has been on my mind the past few nights and has led up to how I feel this evening.

Reflecting on the past, the players in my life that I felt did not try so hard for me honestly did. Those whom I felt I tried hardest for I can honestly say I did not. It wasn't a lie to myself, I knew that at the time. Those whom I felt never cared, cared the most and I pushed them aside from selfish reasons, and those whom I felt I did not care for at all, it turns out I cared for the most when I lost them. There is one whom flickers in and out of my life, as a lightning bug would in the dark.

The Dark.

My entire life seems to be lived in this darkness. When the pulsing light of those insects catches my eye, I treat them as I would any other insect; with dismay and an unyielding instinctual drive to extinguish these distractions. I personify this with ignorance. It is a thick emotion, laden with uncruel intention, but the effect is clear to me when the luminescence of hope these people could have provided is gone. But I don't take chances, and my heart hangs on a string.

As a human being, as myself, as Grey..
there has always been an exception to this rule. A seemingly corrupt emotion that reminds me of how confusing said experiences can be.

It's love.

There have been those I thought I loved, but in actuality never did. Similarly there have been those who loved me, but never did, or I casually ignored any attempts at love that they made. There have been those I felt never loved me, but truly did, and also those whom I was right about all along. There are those possibly that love me along some continuum of love that have yet to meet me, or perhaps, never will. I wonder then if there is such a thing as fate, such a thing as destiny, and if it we can control it to a degree.

It is difficult for me to describe how I feel in words even to this day. I've never been able to accept predetermination, that is not to say that I don't believe in it. A similar argument can be given toward how I feel about the existence of a divine and a demon--an exalted and a vile.

If such a thing as a continuum of love should exist, then these concept should be given more merit in their potential existence, but there is no proof of any of it except what I feel. What I feel is that there is indeed such a thing as love and I am knee-deep in it. But this love is not such that I have seen in it like that flickering lightning bug. Nay it has also not been along such a continuum as that I have been allowed to experience it always. It is when that certain someone comes back around.. that is when.

That is when.

And in my position there is nothing within my power to connect the two ends of that continuum in such a way that it can be conceptualized as a line with definitive ends that are tangible and flexible. Indeed, love may encompass the latter, but certainly not the former. Love is not a bouquet of flower. Love is not a three word sentence. Love is not passion of the flesh. Love is not a sensation to be experienced such an appealing perfume. It is too complicated and part of me is far too logical to comprehend it.

All that can be said is I love. I am in love. It is a funny feeling. It is a wretched feeling. It is unfair that the heart should have the power to place and displace itself as it sees fit, but that the body is constrained in distance and time. Love supersedes all of this due simply to its nature.

But understand the logistics of it does not change the fact (ahem) that is does truly exist within me. As well, experience tells me that is it futile to try to fight it. It apparently isn't something you choose, so perhaps that old saying "'falling' in love" has much truth to it. I do know this as well: I love my friends and I love those who I can spend time with in both my worlds, and inside myself. This is something I wouldn't give up even for the greatest reward the universe can offer.

Take care, and do enjoy the latest STO. This saga will end sometime in September. Stay tuned for the thrilling ending. Or should I say, beginning?

Grey (4:22 AM)


"So can I rely on you for this dude?"
"Dude, when have I ever let you down?"
"A few times, but that's not what I'm asking."
"Yeah yeah. I'm consistently on time though!"
"I wasn't asking for consistency. I was asking if I could rely on you."
"Same thing man."
"Not exactly."
"Bullshit, it's the same thing!"
"Not quite. Reliability is consistency with a splash of trust."
"Technicalities. Whatever man, I will be there on time. Quit worrying."

But when Jacob hung up the phone he wasn't worried. Actually he didn't think about it again after he called Mia and told her Brad would be swinging by to pick her up and then to pick him up, because he lived closer to Mia than to him.

The plan was set and the movie tickets were paid for. Why Mia wanted to see that movie was a mystery. She didn't even like action flicks or anything, but she suggested it. Jacob wasn't going to question it though. He did want to see it anyway, and she was paying for it so why ask why?

Jacob got ready, prepping himself up with his usual sharp attire and just enough cologne to make the ladies wild. But there was only one lady on his mind tonight. 'The perfect woman', he sometimes described her as, or, 'that delicate momma' at other times. In either case, Jacob's tone was just as sincere and he did seem to care for her very much. Why else would be have bought her that necklace? He had a plan you see, and it was all going to work out perfectly; just like he wanted.

At about 7:25, the doorbell rang. Jacob shut the lid of his laptop and slid down the stair railing to answer the door. As soon as he opened it, Mia jumped into his arms and Brad peeked out from behind her, giving a passing glance and a monotone 'hey'. They packed into Brad's car and sped away to the Palisades Mall.

After finding some choice parking they hurried quickly to the movie theatre, claimed their tickets and sat in the most perfect spot, exactly where Mia knew Jacob liked it. She always knew just where he liked it.

~Seven Times Once, Chapter 6

Grey (1:48 AM)

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

That night Mia had a dream. She drempt about the future and about the now and the then. She woke up chipper and strolled down to the bathroom. She so did very much love the morning, that is, when she remembered that is existed and set her alarm to experience it.

"Mia!" came a shout from downstairs. It was mom.
"Yeaaah!?" she shouted back.

Her mother made her way slowly up the stairs and met Mia in the bathroom.

"Was it it mom?"
"Oh nothing, just wondering why you're awake so early."
"Eh, my body said 'time to wakey!' and here I am!"
"I see. Well you have a good day dear. I'm off to work. I left some toast and eggs on the table."
"Aww mom! Thanks so much!" and with those words she gave her mom and big wet kiss on her left cheek. Mom smiled at Mia, patted her on the head, and off she went.
"Take care hon."

As she stared delightfully at herself in the mirror as she brushed her teeth, she lost her train of thought and wandered back to scenes in the dream. She saw a small puppy, a torn dollar bill under its paw, and a departing train. She picked up that puppy, or so she thought, and put it in her car. She doesn't remember what happened next though.

Mia galloped down the stairs daintily and shoved a piece of toast in her mouth and she rummaged through the refrigerator looking for the orange juice. She poured a tall glass and looked up at the clock.

"Seven thirty-seven!? What the hell is wrong with me??" But then Mia remembered she fell asleep last night sometime around nine without having eaten breakfast. Her phone conversation with Jacob had left her very tired but elated. Her blood pressure soared as she became reinvigorated with the thoughts of what they talked about. It was really anything of substance, and she knew that. It was just that she got to speak to him at all. It had been days and she had been secretly planning something. But then again, she was always planning something.

She went out for a jog and played with the cat when she got back in, then took a shower and watched some T.V. Mia wasn't a fan of the television, but she sure loved killing time. These times were hers and no one could take them away from her. She spent to bulk of the morning flipping channels and laughing at stupid people. She completed a crossword puzzle and once noon came, she grabbed her cell, keys, and headed out the door to the mall. What would she steal today, she thought.

The reasons Mia did what she did were clear and always with purpose. She did what she saw fit to survive in a world where parents weren't guardians and the older you got, the less likely you were to have respect. But she didn't want respect; she wanted free shit. She used anything she could to get what she wanted, including herself. The world was Mia's oyster today and she was going to have all the pearls she wished for.

And really, who was going to stop her?

~Seven Times Once, Chapter 7

Grey (8:10 PM)

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Oh it's been so long since I've wanted to post and remembered to post simultaneously. I know most of you that do visit here come for the STO chapters and I promise there will be a nice double post coming up sometime this week so check back every day.

Life has been sketchy at best lately. I've been fairly busy with school and looking for a job only very sparingly. When I want to set my mind to it, I know I will, but for now I'm bitterly enjoying the last remaining days of my free life I guess. Actually I don't know what the real excuse is but I think it could be fear. In any case, life starts soon and I am working tirelessly on a couple of other stories when I am not so busy with gaming or schoolwork or job seeking.

I don't know what the future holds at this point but it is wide open, as they say. I still enjoy my use of superfluous commas, roleplaying strange characters, reciting speeches in my head, predicting the weather, and taking 2h naps when I could be out doing something more constructive. In a sense, I don't care enough to worry so I don't worry about not caring.

Anyhow, I'm going to get some sleep and think about how I would like to finish off, or rather begin, the story of Mia and Jacob. Some things elude even me.

Grey (4:35 AM)

Tuesday, May 09, 2006
-*inner lies*-

I often tell myself I am going to forget some of the things from the past. Not particular though, as I still hold on very dearly to a number of "events" from my personal history. Many I would like very dearly to forget, including even a few people, but there remains some genuine emotion and joy that I find in reflective thinking. I find it very thought-provoking, especially things are dug up at an angle I did not approach with my own shovel.

All of this ponderance reminds me how individualistic I really am. Unfortunately it hurts my state of being to a large extent, and I often find myself not being able to be someone I truly want to be. I have become more complicated than I ever wished to be. Some may find this shocking, a few may see it as normal (depending on your Knowledge (Grey) skill check), and still others will scratch their head in amusement, laughter, or plain dumbfoundedness. Why have I led this life of mystery? It comes to my attention that the people that I consider close friends, at least the one or two that I do, have no knowledge of parts of me that defined my life at one point.

My past, something I had nearly forgotten and once even tried to discard, came back tonight. In a sense I did not know how to deal with this. The same feeling of uncomprehensible wantedness overcame me. Why me? I always ask. I get an answer, but it doesn't click. It's like dry-firing a revolver--relieving to hear the empty click. My life can't be solved by a game of Russian Roulette. It simply is not the simple. When did it become so complex? It takes many years to weave such a tangled web and everyday I work on it a little more, unknowingly adding more content, usually in the form of lies and bullshit, to said web.

I've become so enthralled in my own world lately, both in the real and fantasy worlds, that I am begining to feel more human as the days progress. The environments are beginning to merge and the need for responsibility in the real world is mimicked only by my duties in the fantasy realm. Yes, I am weird. Twenty three years old now and still haven't figure out how to online-bank, but I sure can slay a mean dragon. In fact I've probably killed enough monsters in the years I have been alive to fill thirty lifetime's worth of days. Could be forty, but who's counting? I usually lose track after four..

My life has been limited only by the experiences that others allow me to endure. I can only feel so much love as I have been given; only fight so many lizardmen as my fellow adventurers want. What is true freedom? Surely it is not found in the texture of the real world, the pixelated realm of computer gaming, or even the imaginary treks in Dungeons & Dragons.

I love,
I live,
I've never learned.

Some day perhaps, some day.

Much love to everyone. Have a great day.

Grey (4:02 AM)

Friday, May 05, 2006

"Man I love Rockland!" Jacob was elated. "Now that I'm through with all that I can get a real job!"
"Sure can J!" Brad gave Jacob a hard slap on the back.

All was well this day. High School was over. They had graduated. Jacob wanted nothing more than to find a nice place where he didn't have to live by their rules anymore. In this world that was the norm. Adults couldn't rule your life once you graduated, and only suckers went to college.

"Nanuet High School! FUCK YOU!" Jacob raised a bright, shining middle finger toward the sky, aimed at that building he would never have to step foot in ever again. Brad joined in of course, not as excited, or at least not showing it.

"We meeting Mia anywhere for celebration?" Brad asked.
"Yeah she should be at the corner shop down the road."
"Nice. We getting coffee or something?"
"Yeah man. 'coffee'. You want some 'coffee'?"
"You know I do. What flavor?"
"I'm kinda in the mood for Bud flavor, maybe Corona. It IS the 5th y'know."
"Ooooh word! Yeah it is dude. I'll pay for the limes. This'll be some good coffee."

And down the street they went. In the distance Jacob could see Mia in a long pink flowery dress that hugged her body in all the right places, playing with her necklace. He raised his sunglasses to his brow and squinted to get a better look. Just then he felt so lucky. He looked over to Brad out of the corner of his eye but he was busy kicking rocks with his hands dug deep down in his pockets. Maybe he already got a look and was playing some pool.

When she finally saw him coming she ran toward him and leapt into his arms, wrapping her legs around him, kissing him all over.
"Jacob!" She was so happy to see him.
"Heh hey babe." was his clever response.
"Hey Mia." Brad gave her a quick greeting and just as quick a glance.
"So whatcha boys wanna do today?" She asked.
"Buy some coffee." Brad replied quickly, chuckling a bit.
"You two and your lingo. You'd think you two were gay."
"Well I thought about it once.." Jacob said jokingly, puckering his lips, throwing kisses at Brad.
"Yeah but you were too ugly to get any guys." Brad poked.
"It's cool. I like pussy better anyway."

Mia smirked at Jacob and took his hand. The three went into the shop and bought two six-packs of Corona. Brad put four limes in his pocket.
"Guess we're all set! Let's get outta here."
Jacob nodded at Brad and they headed down the street to Brad's place. They drank for a couple of hours and Brad passed out on the bed. Jacob and Mia went downstairs to cuddle on the couch, which quickly escalated into better things.

Mia paused for a moment to feel Jacob. He gave her a strange look. Her eyes were passionate and firery. She rode hard and came. She rested on her side a bit and began to speak, invigorated by his presence. She started softly, then her tone rose to a gleeful pitch.
"Let's go on a trip Jacob, y'know, to celebrate."
"Yeah? Where at babe?"
"Nowhere in particular. Actually I already booked it. We're going to the shore next weekend."
"Damn you're a good woman. Thinking about me and shit. I been wanting to get out of this place for a little while now."
"Well now's our chance, but you gotta prove it to me first."
"I think I got something in mind."
"Not that silly. Tell me you love me."
"I love you babe. You know I do."
"Suuuuure, that's what they all say!" She jokingly mocked.
"Yeah yeah. 'all' huh!? Heh don't make me hit you!" he replied back just as jokingly.
"You couldn't hurt a fly Jacob, especially not one with beautiful wings." As she said this she played with her breasts a little for him.
"Guess you're right. When do we leave?"
"Next Friday. Take off work! And don't forget to call in this time J." she scolded.
"Cool. Not a problem. I'll call them right now."

So the plan was set, and all was well. For now.

~Seven Times Once, Chapter 8

Grey (12:27 AM)

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Happy birthday to me.

Thank you to all the people that called, even though only like two of you actually read this. I appreciate being reminded that I'm getting older! Heh, I guess I should enjoy the one day of the year no one is allowed to bitch at me. I even took the day off from Final Fantasy, until tonight that is. Actually I have a 12-page paper to write that is due tomorrow by 5pm so it's not really a choice.

Fuck I'm lazy...

Blah blah, STO coming soon. It's written, and I'll post this weekend "on time". Sorry for the delay but there's been finals and I've been touching up the chapters properly.

Grey (3:20 PM)



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