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The Past

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I'm not usually one to post twice in the same night, but it has happened once before and where there is a precedent, there is often a repeat offense. The new STO is posted and I wouldn't want to take any "glory" away from it with this post above it, but since I posted it I have really been thinking a lot about my life and the players in it, that is to imply that life is a play, and such persons within the play often have lines and are not in every scene, but those more important certainly can be.

I've been spending a lot of time in the dark lately, much to my dissatisfaction and laziness of having a blown lightbulb and subconsciously refusing the replace it on a daily basis so that I can actually use the non-daylight hours to accomplish some real work. I will briefly describe what has been on my mind the past few nights and has led up to how I feel this evening.

Reflecting on the past, the players in my life that I felt did not try so hard for me honestly did. Those whom I felt I tried hardest for I can honestly say I did not. It wasn't a lie to myself, I knew that at the time. Those whom I felt never cared, cared the most and I pushed them aside from selfish reasons, and those whom I felt I did not care for at all, it turns out I cared for the most when I lost them. There is one whom flickers in and out of my life, as a lightning bug would in the dark.

The Dark.

My entire life seems to be lived in this darkness. When the pulsing light of those insects catches my eye, I treat them as I would any other insect; with dismay and an unyielding instinctual drive to extinguish these distractions. I personify this with ignorance. It is a thick emotion, laden with uncruel intention, but the effect is clear to me when the luminescence of hope these people could have provided is gone. But I don't take chances, and my heart hangs on a string.

As a human being, as myself, as Grey..
there has always been an exception to this rule. A seemingly corrupt emotion that reminds me of how confusing said experiences can be.

It's love.

There have been those I thought I loved, but in actuality never did. Similarly there have been those who loved me, but never did, or I casually ignored any attempts at love that they made. There have been those I felt never loved me, but truly did, and also those whom I was right about all along. There are those possibly that love me along some continuum of love that have yet to meet me, or perhaps, never will. I wonder then if there is such a thing as fate, such a thing as destiny, and if it we can control it to a degree.

It is difficult for me to describe how I feel in words even to this day. I've never been able to accept predetermination, that is not to say that I don't believe in it. A similar argument can be given toward how I feel about the existence of a divine and a demon--an exalted and a vile.

If such a thing as a continuum of love should exist, then these concept should be given more merit in their potential existence, but there is no proof of any of it except what I feel. What I feel is that there is indeed such a thing as love and I am knee-deep in it. But this love is not such that I have seen in it like that flickering lightning bug. Nay it has also not been along such a continuum as that I have been allowed to experience it always. It is when that certain someone comes back around.. that is when.

That is when.

And in my position there is nothing within my power to connect the two ends of that continuum in such a way that it can be conceptualized as a line with definitive ends that are tangible and flexible. Indeed, love may encompass the latter, but certainly not the former. Love is not a bouquet of flower. Love is not a three word sentence. Love is not passion of the flesh. Love is not a sensation to be experienced such an appealing perfume. It is too complicated and part of me is far too logical to comprehend it.

All that can be said is I love. I am in love. It is a funny feeling. It is a wretched feeling. It is unfair that the heart should have the power to place and displace itself as it sees fit, but that the body is constrained in distance and time. Love supersedes all of this due simply to its nature.

But understand the logistics of it does not change the fact (ahem) that is does truly exist within me. As well, experience tells me that is it futile to try to fight it. It apparently isn't something you choose, so perhaps that old saying "'falling' in love" has much truth to it. I do know this as well: I love my friends and I love those who I can spend time with in both my worlds, and inside myself. This is something I wouldn't give up even for the greatest reward the universe can offer.

Take care, and do enjoy the latest STO. This saga will end sometime in September. Stay tuned for the thrilling ending. Or should I say, beginning?

Grey (4:22 AM)

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