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The Past

Saturday, July 24, 2004
-*backtrack the wheeler*-

I know that the blog is under silence this week but I did have some things to say that probably couldn't wait until next week and they would probably be incorrect, wrong, or flat-out non-sensical (as if anything here ever really makes sense..) by then.

Anywho, a few things had been bothering me earlier in the night. I was frustrated and genuinely annoyed and the terrible decision-making I had been practicing for the past few months since summer began. I had been closed to allowing new interests in and now I'm sort of torn in things but having thought about these problems for the past twenty minutes or so really diligently, I've realized why I am having this problem.

Ok, ok. So I have this friend who is having this problem. He is crossed between time constraints and present situations. On one hand he sorta likes this one girl who he know he can't be with because there isn't enough time during the summer to get to know her better and he's really unsure about what he would say and they don't talk very often. He thinks she might have some interest in him but he is not at all sure because he knows very little about her and would rather enjoy her company and such the few times they hang out because he really appreciates that above all. On the other hand there is this girl who he really doesn't like like that anymore because they don't have anything in common at all and he really doesn't know how to tell her he doesn't actually want to see her anymore. But, he is going to have to see her at least a few more times before the summer is over and he doesn't know how to handle that situation.

Right, so this friend is definitely not me. Not me at all. So please, don't think for a second that I would tell you all the truth. Basically, I gave him some advice. I said to him "dude, fuck it man. You have other shit on your mind now and that second girl you don't like really like that so just ignore her for awhile until she goes away or you are certain you are 'over' her or whatever and as for the other girl, don't fuck it up. If you think she enjoys the time you spent together as much as you do, cool. Don't try to fix something that isn't broken bro." I hope this works. He said he'd let me know in the next few days.

In reality, this isn't what's on my mind. I have problems of my own to think about. Glenn sent me the documentation I needed in the mail and I have yet to thank him properly for that so I will tomorrow whenever I see him. I had to spill my guts about the important stuff to Xerlic tonight because things really started to bother me. I didn't even get to the really hard stuff but that's ok. I don't really see the need to place my problems on other people.

Someone who has been trying to get to know me lately has said to me that I am often too private. So private in fact that she does not even know anything about me past the small chit-chat we have. I thought women were content with idle chatter, especially if they sparked it, but I guess I have learned yet another lesson in the way of the female. Of course, I'd be stupid to assume one thing about all women as just as may of them probably enjoy small talk as hate it. It makes me want to growl at all of them.  Anyway, I spoke to her a bit tonight but she didn't try to talk me into divulging life secrets although I plainly said to ask anything she really wanted to know. It's funny how one minute they're all up on you about knowing nothing about you and then when you open the door (after at least a year mind  you), they just say they're going to bed. I don't think I'll date another woman ever again. You people are all fucked up and none of you know what you want even when you say exactly what you want. You know what they call those people? CrAzY. And they lock them up for years at a time! Go figure.

Reflecting on today's events I realized I was edgy and over-assuming for most of the day. While I cleaned my room I thought horrible thoughts about what was going to happen to me and where I would end up in a few days or weeks. When I paused to turn the television on for some background noise, the broken silence tore my concentration away with it and I chuckled at the thought that I was thinking more than one day ahead again. I made a post-it that is now stuck to my monitor reminding me to refrain from such atrocities. As I said to my friend earlier "dude, fuck it man" I came to the conclusion that I needed to actually take my own advice. So, I will. Fuck it, and err.. fuck this post too. Yeah! Fuck you too!  hehe..

Grey (4:06 AM)

Wednesday, July 21, 2004
-*chiming remembrance*-

This one's for Golden.

A few months ago we lost Sam, our poodle of many years and as many more headaches and while we may not have appreciated him as much as we should have like or given him as much attention as he wanted, we loved him with all our hearts and that was brought out in us, as a family, when he was so unfairly taken from us. He wanted nothing more than to protect us from the vicious dog and he may have even saved Hershey's life that day he fought. Sam watched over Golden constantly, never leaving his side for a moment. He evern waited for Goldie to finish all his food first before touching any of his, as if to offer it to the old man in case he wanted anymore. He was a good dog and so was The Poopus.

This morning at 10:44 AM Golden was put to sleep. He was almost 16 years old and in pretty bad shape when we took him to the doctor this morning. I stayed with him for the last hour of his life, talking to him, petting him, giving him all the attention he had so eagerly wanted for the past few months in which he would stay up all night barking and sleep all day in the way of everyone's path. The family couldn't take it anymore. My mother gets very little sleep as it is and grandma Beba couldn't take going up and down the stairs each time he would make a ruckus to let him out, or hand feed him, or stroke his fur, and pat his head. His actions were wearing everyone down but me because I lived upstairs and only faintly heard his clamoring and grandma's complaints and my mother's harsh words to him to just keep quiet in the early morning hours.

We talked about a lot of things. I told him how I remember the first time I ever dressed him up to look silly by putting a Mets cap on him that he later took off and chewed the one-size-fits-all fastener. I remember how he used to love to eat snow. If you threw a snowball at him, he'd try to catch it. He adored fetching games and was eager to always return the stick or ball and drop it at your feet for you to throw again. Golden remembered those things and I told him that the Mets would try to make the playoffs for him this year and that when the snow came I would draw his bust out in it with a stick. I assured him that I'd teach Hershey how to properly fetch even if I had to get down on all fours and have my dad throw the stick while she watched.

So many memories and so many years I grew up with him. Before we moved into this house, Golden would sleep on my bed with me and snore so loudly I would tell him to lay on the floor where his head wasn't propped on a pillow causing him to make those sounds. Up until the day he died, Golden was old-fashioned. He didn't even like to stay put on the doggie pillows we had all over the house; he preferred the floor. As much as it hurts me to say and think that I will never see him again, I know it is right to face the facts in life and remind myself that it has his time to go. He could barely stand and I think if we hadn't put him down this morning that he would have suffered through the next month or two and passed away in a lot of pain. There is no cure for old age and Golden didn't need one. He knew every step of the way that he was ready to go and faced it head-on and never once looked back.

Where ever you re Poopus, know that I loved you and so did everyone who had to decide what to do for you the past few months. It was a hard decision but know that we did not make it out of comfort to ourselves and certainly not in haste. Maybe I'll see you in the next life, be there one. Wait for me and I'll find you.

Good night Golden. May all your wishes come true.

Grey (1:53 AM)

Friday, July 16, 2004
-*fan-astic gasm-o*-

Lately shit has really been getting to me again. I resolved whatever the fuck was going on between S and I and I really don't think she was going to ever talk to me about it or wonder what was going on. It made me think about friendship and how people can be forgetful or maybe uncaring. Whichever one it was is unimportant anyway but it made me wonder if I am perhaps just a bad friend. I've noticed that the only reason I still talk to some people I am supposed to be close to or something is because I share either one current interest with them or one past interest with them (and one friends who falls under neither category cares a lot about me still as it seems by the tone of her voice). The former I have chosen to pursue to have some kind of communication with the world outside my room and the latter is dying fast. This is not to say that that second interest of mine is dying in my heart, but realistically, it is dying for the whole world.
I speak of the games I currently reside in. But before I get to that, I should probably comment on my stability. I received a voicemail from V who had a question to ask me. She sounded very serious and I didn't know how to answer her question. I was almost glad my phone wasn't working today until after 10pm. I was thrown and felt like I wanted to cry. What she's worrying about will probably happen someday because it is what I was meant to become. I can already see it happening to me. My personality has been somewhat more fake and I pretend I am having a blast sometimes when I know I hate every moment that I am living this life this way and I have never once considered suicide or anything because I don't believe escaping a situation or every situation is the way things ought to be handled. Besides my life is probably more interesting than some of the ones others led previous to suicide. I still act like I don't want people to pry into my life, but you know what? It's not an act. I really don't like people asking me shit about my life because all they wanna do is offer their subjective advice about this and that and sadly it's all shit I've told other people who have poured their crap onto me (sometimes asked for and sometimes I was unwilling).
Everything has been shaky since about February. Many would say it started before that but that was only on-set. It hit me in February and it wasn't the things I'd expected; paranoia and instantaneous breakdown. Rather, things started on a very step slope descending very slowly so I could witness each moment clearly and remember everything as if it were yesterday. Did anyone care to ask me about it? Nah. But, I led people to believe everything was fine and the respect my friends had for me prevented them from every approaching me with those kinds of queries. Strangely, that kept me going until April or so. Come May, I started to have more serious anxiety attacks and I remember taking several very long showers hoping only to come out if someone had told me they needed to shower too, but when you wash at 3am, not many people are awake. My heart hurt then, much like it did tonight for reasons I'll get to later, which reminded me of then and sparked this shitty post about my life again. Like anyone wants to read this trash. I should be using this internet space for something more exciting. People hate drama. I hate drama.
Moving on now the past interest, as I have so horribly stated it, is the MUD. It's dying now, in fact it's dead. The past two weeks no one has even showed up for the hiwiz meetings. They have made no posts concerning their absences previous to meeting time nor do they show up late either, which I would actually tolerate at this point. What bothers me is I have important topics that need voting on and so do the other one or two members that have actually been there waiting with me. It's like a bad relationship! I try too make it work and it doesn't. I put a lot of time into it and it's not good enough. I gave up dating for this reasons. That and I'm beyond overweight now and nobody in their right mind is attracted to me. I loved, I lost and that bullshit that Shakespeare said is just that - bullshit. I love the MUD but it's not working out and what has me crossed now is that I know for certain that FFXI isn't the place for me. It's not my style of gaming, it's not what I want, it's not what I need, and it certainly isn't what I want to be doing with my life! So why am I there? I think I owe it to certain people who put the time in to help me, which I was reluctant to accept each time although I never let on because I'm a stupid idiot (as opposed to an intelligent one) who cannot be honest in a life wherein he appreciates honesty above all.
I am worried about school and where I'm gonna be not in five years, but how about September. I don't even know. I haven't given it much thought although I pretend to myself I have and it's a real big lie. I am nervous about my visitor in ten days and I don't know what I am going to do with myself. I want to see V and talk to her face to face again because she seems to be the only one I let in and I speak with her but once a month. I am worried about my weight and how I started jogging again and did really well for a few days then just suddenly stopped again and haven't had a second thought about picking it back up until about ten minutes ago. I'm worried about my party and how it's gonna suck because no one is coming because I don't have many friends at all and I can count how many definites will be there on both my hands. I am really pissed off I can't meditate anymore. This one really kills me. I have been having all these minor panic attacks on my spare time and I can't seem to make my heart stop racing in the middle of the day. I am so fed up with my worries and I hate that I can't just go outside and have a cigarette or grab a beer to just chill me out for ten fucking minutes. I don't even care about anything anymore. I just live on, somehow, getting by on ten bucks a week for chinese food and pretending I am having fun when I go out with some of the people from school. Honestly, as much as I like spending time with Fred and Lin, sometimes I feel like I don't belong there. Neither was really close to me at school and Lin is so much like me sometimes I wanna kill her and other times marry her, and ugh do I hate marriage and blood-stained carpeting.
I let my self get unfocused and I am sitting here wondering when I should just shut up and go to hell. At some point in my life at least seventeen women said that to me so I'll just try to imagine one of their voices in my ear. In essence I haven't changed much but I have become really silently bitter about a lot of things that I am supposed to be enjoying. Heck I knew I was going to enjoy some of the things I tried this summer before I even started. And my disliking for them wasn't due to a self-fulfilling prophecy, it's just that they really sucked period. For example, I was going to start talking to my mother about the  certain things and she turned it into some big game about God and beliefs and shit. I tried to get back into pitching and I started to hit the batting cages a few times a week. I found I still can't throw a fastball with authority but that's probably due to the elbow injury asshole Coach Hobbs made me suffer in Freshman year of High School. He is the only man I wish will die a horrible death on this whole planet because I had talent for pitching and I could've been a good ball player but he fucked everything up. It has always bothered me and I don't think I have ever told anyone that.
I'll never be anything of the things I want to be because I have never been able to finish what I started. Even when I went back to try out for the team in Sophomore year, my teammates were so happy to see me back even though I didn't know them and vice versa and Coach yelled me off the field with the chant "You're washed up Adnor, get the fuck off my field." And when I returned to scouts after either months of band touring and working at the music store, I worked hard on my eagle scout project proposal only to have everyone on the board approve of it but the head of the board, Mrs. Little. Yes bitch, I hate you too because you ruined not only my dream, but my father's dream of me following in his footsteps and I am nothing but a disappointment to him and he even told me so once and now I'm crying for him because I am pathetic and can't let it go. I'll never be a doctor like my mom wanted me to be and when I tried to over achieve and I failed miserably and because of it my GPA sucked so bad that I got kicked out of college. I don't blame my mother anymore though, I blame myself for believing her when she said I could do it and I was so confident I couldn't before that. I let her mind games win me over and I promised I would never lie to myself and I did and it chews on my soul now everyday.  Now, I'll never get into a school or change my major to Computer Science. And all that time I put into the MUD for it to just die out. It would appear that I will never finish what I started either because someone doesn't approve, others don't share the same visions I do (so I assume they must be far-fetched), or I simply am not welcome where I wish to be at that very moment I am seeking acceptance and nothing more.
I'll never be a baseball player.
I'll never be an eagle scout.
I'll never be a doctor.
I'll never be the administrator for an open, successful MUD.
I'll never pursue a career in gaming development.
These five things are the bane of my existence. These are the things I am becoming more increasingly certain everyday will never happen. The ones that hurt the most are the ones that I can't have back and you know which ones those are. As good as my mother and father have tried to make my life be, they've never given me what I wanted because mom, it can't be bought with money. All the years you've tried to feed me that crap about how to be successful and likewise, well I have news for you and that is not everyone can hack their way through life to the top manipulating people and reading their minds and having your way. I won't do that and I don't want to learn how to do it. But, I do look up to you for what you have achieved in your life and how you came here knowing nothing and have become somebody important (in your own mind).
For now, I'm retiring the pen. I'm going to lay down and try to cry and maybe relieve some of the pain nobody knows I feel. No one should read this and you should forget it once it's all over because that's the way I'd want it. Yeah, my way for a change. Actually nevermind. If I ever got what I wanted I think the earth would start spinning the other way.

Grey (4:01 AM)

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Waking from my humble slumber I thought of the man who had saved my life the day before. He was so handsome. And although he didn't speak english very well, everything he seemed to say was like a cool breeze upon my face. Ackmad was his name and I'd known him for several years now, him being the owner of the gasoline station, an establishment I frequented in my journeys to and from my home. I all that time I never knew how much he cared for me.

I quickly sprang from my bed and laced up my sneakers. I had gotten my new pair in the mail from the Modell's sweepstakes a won a few weeks ago. They were so comfortable and as I stood up I wondered if I had ever truly taken a step before in my life. I wanted to 'oooh' and 'aaah' like in that stupid commercial the cat always watches so I took the liberty to make said noises until I reached the corner.

I took off, too excited to slow down now. I ran all the way to the Shell station on my full tank of gas. As I went into my finishing trot I realized I hadn't made myself up today! The hope of finally settling down with someone had made me absent-minded and I felt somewhat ashamed and strangely, much like I did in high school when I had my first crush on Joseph Troy, that hunky-hunk of a man. I hear he's rich now and has a roly-poly beer belly. He's such a tease!

I stood against the wall of the Kwik-Mart and applied my makeup delicately. I conserved nothing. I applied the liquid makeup and powdered up for a flat look that really accentuated my cheeks. I took my time dabbing on the blush, pushing back towards my ears across my high cheek bones. Next, I grabbed my favorite eye shadow colour; lightning blue. I was dressing to impress here and I needed to go all out! Lastly, the mascara, gloss, and ruby red lipstick. I took one last glance in my compact mirror and puckered and smacked my lips. I practiced my kiss on a tissue and started around the corner.

As I reached for the door it flew open and there he was, Ackmad, in his pinstriped Shell dress shirt. His thick beard was like a flowing mane and his deep brown eyes stared dreamily into mine. His expression was priceless. It was as though he was shocked to see me. He looked happy but bewildered simultaneously.

"What's wrong Ackmad?", I asked.
"Oh! Uhm.. not a thing! I just did not expect to open the door and see you there. I was very suprised indeed."
"I see. Notice anything different about me today Ackmad?", I asked as I twiddled my thumbs behind my back and pushed my breasts out toward him.
"Yes, yes. You have new shoes! Very nice too."
I frowned a moment but tried to act cool. I thought maybe he was just playing coy with me so I wouldn't catch on. Yes, that was it.
"I am very sorry madam but I must be going. Today is very busy day. I will see you later perhaps. Have a good day!"

Ackmad walked away. I knew he had noticed me and I felt deep down that this was the start of something that could lead to sex for sure. Just then, that gray SUV I'd seen just the other day drove through the station to make a U-turn! Oh.. it was that man I wanted to meet. I tried to take a peek into his car as he passed right by the sidewalk I was standing on and in the passenger seat I saw a girl! He is cheating on me! No, wait. He can't be. He doesn't even know me! I took a deep breath and sighed. When would it be my time.

I walked back home, in no mood to exert myself. Besides, I had forgotten to feed Fluffy again before I left and it was getting late. Already 11 AM it seemed. Where had the time gone? One day I'll get my man.

~The Epic Tales of Joggy-Smokey Lady, Volume 7

Special thanks to Mishelee for makeup tips and such. Someone remind me to buy her one of those foam spongey thingamabobbers for her birthday, whenever that is.

Grey (11:19 PM)

Friday, July 02, 2004
-*boredom conundrum*-

It's Friday. It's GT Chicken Night here in Greyland and I hope you all remembered!

Ya know, I've been doing some thinking and maybe the choices I've made lately haven't been the best. I'm tired of FF again but probably because of the fishing and then the demand for equipment and the EXP parties (that have all been excellent, but boring) and now the need for so much to level-up. It's exhausting so I'm going back to the MUD for awhile. I don't know how long, but I started working on Paladin guild this week and I am really looking forward to finishing it more so than I am getting over 100k gil in XI.

As for school, I guess I'm not going back to Stony Brook. I tried. I gave it my all, put out the effort, petitioned, was even told I had a really good shot, wrote that 5-page letter describing my issues and shit, and was still denied. So fuck it. I guess I'm going to stay local for school for a semester or two. I only have a year of schooling to go, why can't I just finish it where I want to? It's really saddening and I know I am at fault for being a fuck-tard fool and not understanding my schoolwork or studying more or whatever.

It seems like I had my priorities straight after a few weeks here at home but I've let things slip away again and I need to have more self-control over my emotions and the voices in my head. I've made some good decisions as well and I am back to communicating with an old friend and have been able to chat with Xerlic and Myyral at will now which is nice, but only in the context of the game we play. It's not the same and I guess I just bored myself with it. I'm watching golf and I find that somewhat more exciting than what I was doing earlier.

It's time to order chinese food. I am soooo starving. I don't think I ate yesterday past a glass of Apple Juice and a chunky PB & J sammich. See ya'll this weekend and certainly this Tuesday for another edition of The Epic Tales of Joggey-Smokey Lady.

Grey (5:24 PM)



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