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The Past

Saturday, July 24, 2004
-*backtrack the wheeler*-

I know that the blog is under silence this week but I did have some things to say that probably couldn't wait until next week and they would probably be incorrect, wrong, or flat-out non-sensical (as if anything here ever really makes sense..) by then.

Anywho, a few things had been bothering me earlier in the night. I was frustrated and genuinely annoyed and the terrible decision-making I had been practicing for the past few months since summer began. I had been closed to allowing new interests in and now I'm sort of torn in things but having thought about these problems for the past twenty minutes or so really diligently, I've realized why I am having this problem.

Ok, ok. So I have this friend who is having this problem. He is crossed between time constraints and present situations. On one hand he sorta likes this one girl who he know he can't be with because there isn't enough time during the summer to get to know her better and he's really unsure about what he would say and they don't talk very often. He thinks she might have some interest in him but he is not at all sure because he knows very little about her and would rather enjoy her company and such the few times they hang out because he really appreciates that above all. On the other hand there is this girl who he really doesn't like like that anymore because they don't have anything in common at all and he really doesn't know how to tell her he doesn't actually want to see her anymore. But, he is going to have to see her at least a few more times before the summer is over and he doesn't know how to handle that situation.

Right, so this friend is definitely not me. Not me at all. So please, don't think for a second that I would tell you all the truth. Basically, I gave him some advice. I said to him "dude, fuck it man. You have other shit on your mind now and that second girl you don't like really like that so just ignore her for awhile until she goes away or you are certain you are 'over' her or whatever and as for the other girl, don't fuck it up. If you think she enjoys the time you spent together as much as you do, cool. Don't try to fix something that isn't broken bro." I hope this works. He said he'd let me know in the next few days.

In reality, this isn't what's on my mind. I have problems of my own to think about. Glenn sent me the documentation I needed in the mail and I have yet to thank him properly for that so I will tomorrow whenever I see him. I had to spill my guts about the important stuff to Xerlic tonight because things really started to bother me. I didn't even get to the really hard stuff but that's ok. I don't really see the need to place my problems on other people.

Someone who has been trying to get to know me lately has said to me that I am often too private. So private in fact that she does not even know anything about me past the small chit-chat we have. I thought women were content with idle chatter, especially if they sparked it, but I guess I have learned yet another lesson in the way of the female. Of course, I'd be stupid to assume one thing about all women as just as may of them probably enjoy small talk as hate it. It makes me want to growl at all of them.  Anyway, I spoke to her a bit tonight but she didn't try to talk me into divulging life secrets although I plainly said to ask anything she really wanted to know. It's funny how one minute they're all up on you about knowing nothing about you and then when you open the door (after at least a year mind  you), they just say they're going to bed. I don't think I'll date another woman ever again. You people are all fucked up and none of you know what you want even when you say exactly what you want. You know what they call those people? CrAzY. And they lock them up for years at a time! Go figure.

Reflecting on today's events I realized I was edgy and over-assuming for most of the day. While I cleaned my room I thought horrible thoughts about what was going to happen to me and where I would end up in a few days or weeks. When I paused to turn the television on for some background noise, the broken silence tore my concentration away with it and I chuckled at the thought that I was thinking more than one day ahead again. I made a post-it that is now stuck to my monitor reminding me to refrain from such atrocities. As I said to my friend earlier "dude, fuck it man" I came to the conclusion that I needed to actually take my own advice. So, I will. Fuck it, and err.. fuck this post too. Yeah! Fuck you too!  hehe..

Grey (4:06 AM)

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