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The Past

Monday, December 27, 2004

I have only mostly what I want now. The "mostly" encompasses all the minor things though and none of the major things which are such a small portion of my needs and desires. I haven't felt right at home since day one although I had such a good feeling about coming back here and relaxing a bit.

So far I was blamed for ruining Christmas. It was tough and in the end it's all going to work out for the "best" anyway. I need to do a few more things to get myself in-line still. As for school, I don't even want to mention that. It seems terrible now on two ends and I don't even feel like going back anymore. I've wasted so much time, some voluntarily, and I am aching on the inside for something to just feel "right". Whatever though, it's in the past now. Eat me up all you want.

The distant between a star and a moon
leaves behind a hint of dust.
Something mystifying and
worth mentioning..
a space within a space..
a space within the space..
we grab at emptiness full of love
and devotion.
Our hearts close the gap between us
and pull ourselves into the spaceless void
we call love.
Tomorrow is a closer day,
narrowing the space between.
A day without days is a worthless day
and hated just the same.
The space is fickle and unbending,
it will not haste nor slow.
Take the good within the bad
and tomorrow is one day closer to home.

Grey (1:34 PM)

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

It's been awhile since I posted last. I meant to follow up on points a few days ago as well as write space. It didn't slip my mind, I've just been busy studying for finals. Maybe it's just because I have a bad memory or something, but I can't recall ever putting this much time into studying for finals in the past. So far I've taken one exam and the results didn't seem worth it. All over again I am shrouded with doubt and the fear of failure and although I know I didn't get a D or lower in any class this semester, I am confronted with the idea of C-; the worst possible grade imaginable. At least in one class, as far as I've calculated my grade, and maybe in a second, which I do not have any grades for whatsoever.

It seems to me that I have a problem. I am unsure exactly where it is located but whatever it is, it seems to be ruining my life. It brings a tear to my eye to talk about anything so personal and downright idiotic as my negligence. I am doubtful I will finish the requirements set forth by the university for my major. And why? Because I am a downright Fuck-up. Not once in my short life has anything ever gone the way I planned. I have never, ever been pleased with the results of any project. I have settled for second best in nearly every outcome. Those in which you might feel I came out on top only resulted in a tertiary feeling of goodness, or worse.

I have become so infuriated with my time spent at the books. Albeit I do not spend as much time as others, I do feel as though I absorb information fairly well. I think I just have memory problems or some innate test anxiety that acts autonomously at exam time, assisting me in forgetting at least half of what I studied just the night before, or even each night starting several night ago. So what am I to do? I have goals set out for the future and as I said last night, I don't think I've really learned anything that I can take home with me into the future. I'm supposed to become a "professional" one day. On top of it, my transcript sucks and I don't think I'll be able to finish my degree at the school I want. Instead I will most likely become inconvenienced by a longer commute than already planned or I may hafta take more summer classes and work study than I set out to.

To tell the truth; I don't think it's worth it anymore. I have become so tired of the meaningless grind of schoolwork. For what? A piece of paper. I hate the people in this world that make the rules. Fuck you assholes. You don't know anything about real people other than a textbook definition, given to you from some framework scientific perspective. People are more than just wells of knowledge you jerks. Hasn't it even occurred to you that people can be bright, shining stars, and never once have opened a textbook and read about quantum theory, learned integration by parts, had formal training in music, or dissected Cartesian Duality for what it's worth? I'd be willing to wager all the money I posses (about 160USD) against all of you in a game of the imagination. If I win, you all self-execute. And if you win, I'll read your filthy fucking textbooks you snobby, no-good, ugly, dumb-fuck morons with your idealistic and idiosyncratic views of the world. You aren't trying to differentiate people - you're just trying to make them all the same. Drones to society no less, just like YOU.

Yeah, I'm pissed off for a change. I'm a failure and I don't blame me for being who I AM. No one can academically accept that I suppose and who suffers? Me of course. I have plenty of knowledge, experience, and time well-spent, but none of it is what THEY are looking for. None of it is what THEY want. None of this is what THEY smile upon. I'm just a big, fat failure and someday THEY will laugh at me and I will be shackled, struggling and outspoken to break free of it, and all it will get me is a bullet in the head or a knife in the back. At least, that seems to be how THEY have put down all those that ever had anything to say in the past.

I'm not going to be your martyr. I'm not going to hold you hold, wipe your ass, or spoon-feed you. I'm not going to ever understand how the system works. I'm never going to be a "normal" person. I'm never going to fit the mold. I'm not getting married in a church. I'm never going to believe in God. I'm never going to have it easy. I'm never going to escape society. I'm never going to be who I want to be. I'm never going to amount to anything useful. I'm never going to get out of here alive. I'm never going to be able to do anything about it. I'm never going to get far by running.

I think I'll stay put.
I think I'll smile and act happy.
I think I'll cherish what I have.
I think I'll finish it no matter what anyway.
I think I'll always be bitter about it.

Be yourself
and be unhappy.

Grey (10:24 AM)

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

I found myself on the corner this morning. I can't remember for the life of me how I got there but Fluf was there lying on her side, drunk as a lemur, stiff as cardboard.

Faintly I remember being at that concert. What was it.. Pink Floyd? maybe the Stones..

I thought to myself: "Where have I been?"
I reply: "I don't know."

Nowhere in my vocabulary would I find the words that described the way I felt. 'Happy' is close but something else added onto it.

"Faaantabulous," I thought. My inner monologue began a slow. I wanted to take a ride on a rainbow on the back of a dinosaur. Yeah, a big giant fuck-off lizard. Oh my. The voice inside had cussed! I quickly scolded him and asked that he take a ride to the clinic with me and if I could join him on the dilophosaurus. No, wait. I didn't want to go there. Last time they tried to poke me with needles. I don't have that thing. I'm just fine.

I reached into my pocket and found two bits of sidewalk chalk. My left rear molar felt like I had been chewing on rubber and a bitter taste was left in my mouth. I thought maybe I had been chewing on it but there was no powder in my mouth or anything. Suprisingly I felt reassured in my happiness when I thought of it. I was covered in balloons! I felt like I was riding on a crazy cloud just like the night before.

Was that supposed to remind me of something? I stared at the string tied around my finger and tried to invoke the force. My head hurt. I was tired. I dragged Fluffy home seeing as she was too tired to too exhausted to carry her. I sighed. I don't even remember where I lived. Why did I keep this journal on me. All I have to write with is an orange crayon. I sighed again and wandered around until I found myself here.

~The Epic Tales of Joggy-Smokey Lady, Volume 14

Grey (2:34 AM)



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