Friday, March 25, 2005
The dream I had was like a fading memory. Something I had longed for, I ruined. Never got what I wanted. Failure now. Why..
If I look out from underneath I see white melting away. No one has come. Maybe they no care. No one to speak for me.. to. Feel now like abandoned. Everyone is a horrible person. No deserve my love! fluffy why have you left??
It's so cold, but getting warmer I think. Can't tell. too cold still. Shivering all the time jacket torn eyes watery. Wanna cry but who cares about it ne/more.
.help now go HoME. can't breath where is everyone gone so busy with life donot know way home now. mauve tom forgot me too. fffuck them. I break this place and find my home! I'm leaving right now.. (be strong be strong)
~The Epic Tales of Joggey-Smokey Lady, Volume 19
Grey (2:04 PM)
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
In my mind there are things that people need to hear. Fortunately there are not many things, but I am trying to put those thoughts into words as of late and I attempt to talk to the person that it would mean something to, but everytime I try to speak to someone on a level like that, I never get around to expressing what I truly wish to say.
There is one general overtone in every message intended for someone in my head. It goes something like it was fun while it lasted but I guess it's not gonna be the same between us ever again because we grew up/apart/away, etc. and we sorta ended up where we no longer understand each other so I'm no longer going to consider you as a "friend" and I'm going to forget about you for the most part until I read about you in the paper as the victim of an unfortunate accident or something like that. [End thought]
That's not really the gist of it either. There's a lot more specifics, by person of course, and the overall idea doesn't capture what I truly mean to get across. But I take a view from a conversation I tried to start and failed at tonight: sometimes you take that extra-extra step just to make sure, and it still sucks. I guess that's just what I wanted to say, no implications or anything, just right there on the table. But you know, I am really sick of shit not going the way I would like it to and being dicked over and shafted by people, and moreover, HATED by people that really don't know me at all. Mostly, I'm dissatisfied with the people who have things they feel they want to say to me, but are too scared, worried, or conscious about what those things might set in motion. *sigh*
At this point in my life, I really am ready for a change. Here's something I'm going to lay down straight too: I am ready for whatever anyone has to say to me right now. I'm tired of beating around the bush of endless nonsense only to be more clueless after talking to you people. Just say what you want to say, mean what you want to mean, and if you think you're too scared to say something to me, just wait 'til you actually say it to start feeling how good it will feel to have said it. Just stop it.. just quit it. I'm so sick of it ok?
Why must everyone be so difficult with me? (at the same time!!) If you want me, come and get me.
Grey (1:54 AM)
Monday, March 14, 2005
-*drawn in black*-
Again another idea is re-spun on a new spindle of anticipation and fortune.
Not really sure what to post today, but it felt like the kind of day that a post should be made. Taking advantage of the silence around here, I can focus a bit on words and try my best to put them down on the page in some fashion.
The ideas for the future have become hardened and softened over and over again in my mind. It seems less like indecisiveness and more like impossibilities weighting themselves using my soul as a counter-measure. I don't know. Is it really important to figure it all out? I would like to know what's going on in every aspect of my life but I am too preoccupied with doing things outside my interests during those times that I cannot devote even moments to considering other paths.
So it stands I will follow the trail through the thick and the thin even and come to a conclusion in which an unscalable walls stands before me and I have not the know-how or quick wit to decipher the script demanded of me. That's right, but that is wrong. And let's act like a tool to get this job, because society wants us to put a value on money and saturate our minds in self-interest fueled directly, but covertly, by avarice.
I can't deal with that, and I don't know why, but it hurts my heart to know that because I feel like such an individual, I will be punished by the mainstream. Thrown down to the ground and told not that I am wrong per se, as dictated by social cynicism and "politeness", but that I certainly am not correct.
I do not want more. I want only enough. Enough to have happiness and comfort and that is all. I'm not going to be rich or have fancy anything or show off or care what other people think of the way I dress, think, or feel. I have always been me, and WHY is that so god damn difficult for other people to deal with? I know! Because they're all a bunch of narrow-minded dumb-fuck pricks with their heads way up their asses and they choose ignorance and covet unequal distributions of equality and don't mind abuse of power. Wake up people, our world is so fucked. Stop helping.
Grey (5:17 PM)
Thursday, March 10, 2005
The cough won't stop. It's been three days now and I don't feel well. Fluffy never came and I feel something is wrong. What happened to the good old days? Things haven't been the same since everyone left and went away to start their lives. It seems like I never really knew which way to go or what to do and now I know I was unprepared for everything.
Life got harder but I didn't see it happening because it occurred over such a long period of time. Maybe if I hadn't stayed with him for so long I would have learned more about the world, or maybe if I hadn't relied so much on other people to make me happy in life, things would have been different. Mother never showed me what was possible, only what was right in front of me. Father was never there, lost in his own little world..
..am I like him? Is that Fluffy I hear? Yes! I can see her now right there! Oh, I can pet you and feel warm and happy again Fluffy! This is just what I wanted! Forget all those nasty things I said about you baby, I didn't mean them at all. I knew you would come!
My dreams are all I have left now, and I am cold again, just like every night. I don't sleep anymore and I am losing my sense of touch. My fingers are numb. All the time.. so numb. I'll pray for less snow and ask for forgiveness for all my sins. Where did Fluffy go? No! Fluffy, don't go out there in the snow, you'll get lost!!
So much is not even written anymore, so much is lost and so much more unseen, unheard, and unread. I would ask the priest, "Why me? What does this all mean?" but what good would it do? To hear the answers of someone so unintelligent, so inexperienced with the world. Comfort maybe. Uncomfortable thoughts of comfort. I don't want him to touch me, no!! ...
The light is becoming weaker through the hole in the box, but the cold air grows stronger each passing moment. Thoughts begin to fleet..
Words lose meaning..
...sand becomes acid..
..rain becomes paper..
..money becomes washed away..
..tears become warm..
..ocean.. I can't breathe..
~The Epic Tales of Joggey-Smokey Lady, Volume 18
Grey (7:13 PM)
Friday, March 04, 2005
I left today.
Looking around me, I don't know where I am exactly. The world is dim and my eyes are growing weaker by the day..
Four days on my own now and nowhere to be found is my son or my grandchildren or Fluffy. I thought they would have found me by now but I know they're looking. I have so much faith and love in them. I know any moment now he will flip over this box and find me and say "Surprise!" and I will jump up and kiss him!
I'll use this page today to talk about rainbows. What if wolves trailblazed like I did? Kittens are sweet. It's 1:37am right, the perfect number and oddities overcome everything I could imagine. I prefer the yellows but the reds are nice too. I have this weird book I'm using as a pillow and it's soaked in rainwater. It's raining now and very cold outside. I found mounting tape on the ground outside near a mailbox that resembled an airplane, so I laughed.
Tomorrow things will change. I'll buy new socks and new sneakers with the money I have. I don't need to worry about money ever again and my husband will come back too. I can feel it now, and it is a great feeling. Fluffy, please find me tonight..
~The Epic Tales of Joggey-Smokey Lady, Volume 17
Grey (1:37 AM)
Thursday, March 03, 2005
-*falling down again*-
Placing a spin on a previous idea, I've gone with another context, time, and place.
Having failed to take action on what I really felt I needed was necessary, I've started to lose faith in my own physical being. The short of it is I have not been sleeping well at all lately. When I feel tired and strung out, I am not able to sleep or don't feel like laying down will solve anything. It seems to be only when I am absolutely exhausted and can no longer stand that my body forces me between the sheets.
I'm losing touch with reality because of it. I haven't been outside my quad in awhile, yes, that does mean I have missed classes in that time, and I am feeling even worse about it. It seems that I am mentally ready to take on the challenges in my life, but physically, my body requires more motivation than I am being offered. Tomorrow I am going to try something new. My plan will require a trip to CVS and a rude shower to jump-start my senses.
Tonight there is no bright side, unless you consider that later today there will most definitely be a new JSL up. I've already written it, but I need to think about it some more. Anyway, I feel like I'm in need of support. In fact I've felt like this for awhile between overwhelming feelings of abandonment and seething thoughts of loneliness. I know what I need to achieve and where I want to be a year from now and it's a happy place. Why then does it seem so much farther away than it is? It might be because I don't really want to grow up and be forced to throw away choices I'd like to have, even though I don't exercise them whatsoever.
No digression is good. Retardation is always a plus though. I'll see you guys later tonight.
Grey (2:48 AM)