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The Past

Thursday, March 10, 2005

The cough won't stop. It's been three days now and I don't feel well. Fluffy never came and I feel something is wrong. What happened to the good old days? Things haven't been the same since everyone left and went away to start their lives. It seems like I never really knew which way to go or what to do and now I know I was unprepared for everything.

Life got harder but I didn't see it happening because it occurred over such a long period of time. Maybe if I hadn't stayed with him for so long I would have learned more about the world, or maybe if I hadn't relied so much on other people to make me happy in life, things would have been different. Mother never showed me what was possible, only what was right in front of me. Father was never there, lost in his own little world.. I like him? Is that Fluffy I hear? Yes! I can see her now right there! Oh, I can pet you and feel warm and happy again Fluffy! This is just what I wanted! Forget all those nasty things I said about you baby, I didn't mean them at all. I knew you would come!

My dreams are all I have left now, and I am cold again, just like every night. I don't sleep anymore and I am losing my sense of touch. My fingers are numb. All the time.. so numb. I'll pray for less snow and ask for forgiveness for all my sins. Where did Fluffy go? No! Fluffy, don't go out there in the snow, you'll get lost!!

So much is not even written anymore, so much is lost and so much more unseen, unheard, and unread. I would ask the priest, "Why me? What does this all mean?" but what good would it do? To hear the answers of someone so unintelligent, so inexperienced with the world. Comfort maybe. Uncomfortable thoughts of comfort. I don't want him to touch me, no!! ...

The light is becoming weaker through the hole in the box, but the cold air grows stronger each passing moment. Thoughts begin to fleet..

Words lose meaning..
...sand becomes acid..
..rain becomes paper.. becomes washed away..
..tears become warm..
..ocean.. I can't breathe..

~The Epic Tales of Joggey-Smokey Lady, Volume 18

Grey (7:13 PM)

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