Friday, February 25, 2005
I lost that feeling I had just a short while ago. I don't know where it went or why it left at all. Rather, I think it was mean of it to come to begin with! I had a renewed hope in my abilities and even throughout all the mess around this place, I saw a light shining in the darkness then.
My ankle hasn't felt any better and I definitely need to rest off of it for a few days. Oh what will become of my once-great career. When I am gone, will anyone remember my accomplishments? Why did Ackmad leave me at such a horrible time? I wonder if he was scared to commit. The other guys at the gas station said he was married, but I think they were just jealous or something. I mean, I have the good looks and the form and poise to be a real thriller. Fluffy tells me everyday you know.
Leaving all those bad thoughts behind, I don't think I will leave them behind. What if I leave town and someone noticed I was gone.. Yes, people would realize they love and adore me again!! They would have no other choice. I will win more than their hearts, but grab them by the soul and shove them into my world where I am.. am..
beautiful? Yes, of course I am.
swan-like? I must, must be, otherwise how would I get around so easily??
idol-material? There are so many out there that want to be me.
And that reminds me! I heard Mauve and Tom talking about me and what the doctor did to me while I was asleep. They said they stuck me with all kinds of needles and force medicine down my throat but that is preposterous! When I woke up from my nap I was doing just fine, but they said I wasn't allowed to walk outside for a little while. They even strapped my arms into a chair so I couldn't leave. Who are they to keep me there? My son will come home tomorrow or the next day and we will have a family again and we will go grocery shopping and I'll buy some new clothes with that money I've won from the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes (I'm so lucky!) and a big house too. I hope those two burn in hell for their whisperings. I know they will someday!
I think I am too upset to write anymore today Mr. Journal. I'm going to go water the plants I put in the yoo-hoo bottle vase.
~The Epic Tales of Joggey-Smokey Lady, Volume 16
Grey (2:19 AM)
Friday, February 18, 2005
As far as life as come until now, the word resolve has been so foreign to me. I've heard great tales wherein some big event would happen and schisms would occur and when the smoke cleared, good things came out of bad things and vice versa.
Today I finally had mine. Standing knee-deep in bullshit, I was able to keep my head above the smell and plow my way through it, albeit roughly. There was a lot of drama that occurred in my life in the past twelve hours, but somehow, good things came out of it, and of course, bad things. My vocabulary is lacking now, but the words awesome and detrimental both come to mind.
Something inside me woke up today, and sparked me into trying to be human again. And so soon at that. I won't say I regret my recent attitudes toward life, but how can one stay down on his knees all the time, wallowing in something that he has only so much control over. I took the facts and placed them in each hand. The hypothetical balance I was supposed to be judging turned up very one-sided and I saw something in each being, aside from one who has always been just the same, that was apart of their real personality.
Maybe I've jumped to some conclusions, but you know what? It's fine. I have no reason to resolve things with the people that I did not, in the end, agree with. I made resolve with the one, real, person that it mattered most to me to be on terms with. We are friends again, not faking it like we basically were doing recently. It is not her fault though, it was mine, and taking that kind of responsibility felt liberating rather than castigating.
I think I have been waiting for something for a long time. I had it once, and maybe someday I will have that again. And while I am content waiting, there could always be more favourable outcomes, but I've realized that it is not important in my life as long as I can talk to that person on a level where we can share our lives with each other in the ways that we are limited to by distance. Friendship is something that I prize highly, and while I do maintain I am can be a fickle and jealous person at times, it is only because I care about the safety and well-being of certain people.
Ultimately, I still need to resolve some things for myself. Not between myself and other people or anything taxing like that, but rather, within myself. I admit that I have not been the person I've wanted to be lately, but I have not changed so much that I cannot remember who I really am and be that person all over again, especially to those that need me to be that way because they "rely" on me for certain things. Flirting, dating, going out, getting trashed, whatever. These things are things I like to do, but I can't always push for what I want. In the end I'd just make myself unhappy if I were to force what I want upon people.
What can I say.
I'd wait 'til the end of the earth
for just a space,
a moment in time,
Suspended in a bauble,
floating above the world.
The day to be free has come.
and find within you
the way to it.
To freedom and resolution
and let go of the chains.
Just when you thought you could have everything you ever wanted, you can. Just make your day, just your way, and find what it truly means to BeHuman.
I have been foolish.
I'm only Dehuman.
Grey (2:59 AM)
Monday, February 14, 2005
Getting things back on track slowly now. I've been trying to keep up on my readings both on the net and for school and whatnot, but it just seems like the schoolwork is taking up too much of my time. I know this is a bad way to look at it because that is what here to do in the first place, isn't it? (right?) I started using bookmarks more often lately and it has been helping me keep track of what's going on and stuff. Only now have I actually started to develop a reading strategy. I never could read before as it would seem so boring or pointless.
My tummy has been feeling funny the past few days. It feels empty all the time, and when I eat even the smallest portions it feels overfilled and I think I'm gonna throw up. I guess the other things I do on a normal basis aren't exactly healthy either, but I don't see how they could have adverse affects on my appetite. It's like something is wrong, all the time. If it's not one thing, it's another.
When I want something unimportant now, and don't emphasize that I want it badly (a pattern not uncommon with me these days), it seems as though someone or something is out to get me and they try to bring me down. Well they've successfully destroyed my morale. I've been trying so hard to be useful to other people and not seem so down about things and generally get my life in order, but it's not going smoothly at all. I feel like I should complain now, so I have been a little. And it's only fair that I have the right to. I never complained about things in my life and I know why people do it now - because it feels good sometimes.
In the end, I k now if I stick with my passions and work my ass off and keep quiet, controlled, and reserved, I can achieve whatever goals I seem to have made for myself subconsciously. It's like, I don't really want the drops or the gear, but I know I do. This isn't the issue exactly. It has nothing to do with the example at all. More analysis is required. Anyway, don't think too hard.
Grey (5:33 AM)
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Something doesn't feel right. Although I know for certain that what I am feeling is not all that uncommon a feeling to me, I am beginning to experience it as all-too-familiar.
Sometimes I think I'll never get through the day. When I wake up in the morning and try to stand, my knees buckle and I'm thrown back within, feeling distressed or overworked. Neither of which I ought to be. Maybe life's unfair hand has taken a firm grip on the remnants of my half-hearted soul. My heart beats in threes and I am overcome with pain and the body tingles and falters downward.
Some way, I find the strength within to carry on and take steps; the unwanted first few. I am at a crossroad of misunderstanding and denial of the existence of necessary understanding that I feel is required at this stage. So, I sit, once again, on my throne. I suck in the breath of life, and wish for something completely different. Why? I haven't figured that out exactly. What? Hmm.. nope, no answer there either.
Somehow I leave this place and don't look back, experiencing a sense of abandonment accompanied by a strange feeling that I wouldn't want to be here either. But from the moment I step out of the quad, I long to return from then until I finally do.
I am not going to try to beat around a bush or make innuendos about how things are difficult or exaggerate about it as some intolerable task. I will be honest, straightforward and calm..
Lately, life has not been what it seems again. I don't feel as though the people I used to call "friends" are all truly my friends anymore. No one cares to ask how I feel or support me in anyway (because sometimes friends need that from other friends) or even say hello. I know that people are busy with their lives, because I am just the same way. I don't have as much time to dedicate to things I feel are boring or meaningless because I want to spend my "free" time for ME.
But on the same token, I am losing grip with reality. I am seeing or hearing things that just aren't true or can't happen. My dreams are all nightmares now, riddled with hysteria, unacceptance, and painful abandonment. I not only feel as though I am alone, but I know I am alone. There's too much going on in my head now and my heart and head both ache constantly. Maybe I'm coming down with something..
These are the truths of Dehuman. Deal it or be swallowed whole by it.
Grey (5:37 AM)