Friday, February 18, 2005
As far as life as come until now, the word resolve has been so foreign to me. I've heard great tales wherein some big event would happen and schisms would occur and when the smoke cleared, good things came out of bad things and vice versa.
Today I finally had mine. Standing knee-deep in bullshit, I was able to keep my head above the smell and plow my way through it, albeit roughly. There was a lot of drama that occurred in my life in the past twelve hours, but somehow, good things came out of it, and of course, bad things. My vocabulary is lacking now, but the words awesome and detrimental both come to mind.
Something inside me woke up today, and sparked me into trying to be human again. And so soon at that. I won't say I regret my recent attitudes toward life, but how can one stay down on his knees all the time, wallowing in something that he has only so much control over. I took the facts and placed them in each hand. The hypothetical balance I was supposed to be judging turned up very one-sided and I saw something in each being, aside from one who has always been just the same, that was apart of their real personality.
Maybe I've jumped to some conclusions, but you know what? It's fine. I have no reason to resolve things with the people that I did not, in the end, agree with. I made resolve with the one, real, person that it mattered most to me to be on terms with. We are friends again, not faking it like we basically were doing recently. It is not her fault though, it was mine, and taking that kind of responsibility felt liberating rather than castigating.
I think I have been waiting for something for a long time. I had it once, and maybe someday I will have that again. And while I am content waiting, there could always be more favourable outcomes, but I've realized that it is not important in my life as long as I can talk to that person on a level where we can share our lives with each other in the ways that we are limited to by distance. Friendship is something that I prize highly, and while I do maintain I am can be a fickle and jealous person at times, it is only because I care about the safety and well-being of certain people.
Ultimately, I still need to resolve some things for myself. Not between myself and other people or anything taxing like that, but rather, within myself. I admit that I have not been the person I've wanted to be lately, but I have not changed so much that I cannot remember who I really am and be that person all over again, especially to those that need me to be that way because they "rely" on me for certain things. Flirting, dating, going out, getting trashed, whatever. These things are things I like to do, but I can't always push for what I want. In the end I'd just make myself unhappy if I were to force what I want upon people.
What can I say.
I'd wait 'til the end of the earth
for just a space,
a moment in time,
Suspended in a bauble,
floating above the world.
The day to be free has come.
and find within you
the way to it.
To freedom and resolution
and let go of the chains.
Just when you thought you could have everything you ever wanted, you can. Just make your day, just your way, and find what it truly means to BeHuman.
I have been foolish.
I'm only Dehuman.
Grey (2:59 AM)