Sunday, February 13, 2005
Something doesn't feel right. Although I know for certain that what I am feeling is not all that uncommon a feeling to me, I am beginning to experience it as all-too-familiar.
Sometimes I think I'll never get through the day. When I wake up in the morning and try to stand, my knees buckle and I'm thrown back within, feeling distressed or overworked. Neither of which I ought to be. Maybe life's unfair hand has taken a firm grip on the remnants of my half-hearted soul. My heart beats in threes and I am overcome with pain and the body tingles and falters downward.
Some way, I find the strength within to carry on and take steps; the unwanted first few. I am at a crossroad of misunderstanding and denial of the existence of necessary understanding that I feel is required at this stage. So, I sit, once again, on my throne. I suck in the breath of life, and wish for something completely different. Why? I haven't figured that out exactly. What? Hmm.. nope, no answer there either.
Somehow I leave this place and don't look back, experiencing a sense of abandonment accompanied by a strange feeling that I wouldn't want to be here either. But from the moment I step out of the quad, I long to return from then until I finally do.
I am not going to try to beat around a bush or make innuendos about how things are difficult or exaggerate about it as some intolerable task. I will be honest, straightforward and calm..
Lately, life has not been what it seems again. I don't feel as though the people I used to call "friends" are all truly my friends anymore. No one cares to ask how I feel or support me in anyway (because sometimes friends need that from other friends) or even say hello. I know that people are busy with their lives, because I am just the same way. I don't have as much time to dedicate to things I feel are boring or meaningless because I want to spend my "free" time for ME.
But on the same token, I am losing grip with reality. I am seeing or hearing things that just aren't true or can't happen. My dreams are all nightmares now, riddled with hysteria, unacceptance, and painful abandonment. I not only feel as though I am alone, but I know I am alone. There's too much going on in my head now and my heart and head both ache constantly. Maybe I'm coming down with something..
These are the truths of Dehuman. Deal it or be swallowed whole by it.
Grey (5:37 AM)