Friday, July 16, 2004
Lately shit has really been getting to me again. I resolved whatever the fuck was going on between S and I and I really don't think she was going to ever talk to me about it or wonder what was going on. It made me think about friendship and how people can be forgetful or maybe uncaring. Whichever one it was is unimportant anyway but it made me wonder if I am perhaps just a bad friend. I've noticed that the only reason I still talk to some people I am supposed to be close to or something is because I share either one current interest with them or one past interest with them (and one friends who falls under neither category cares a lot about me still as it seems by the tone of her voice). The former I have chosen to pursue to have some kind of communication with the world outside my room and the latter is dying fast. This is not to say that that second interest of mine is dying in my heart, but realistically, it is dying for the whole world.
I speak of the games I currently reside in. But before I get to that, I should probably comment on my stability. I received a voicemail from V who had a question to ask me. She sounded very serious and I didn't know how to answer her question. I was almost glad my phone wasn't working today until after 10pm. I was thrown and felt like I wanted to cry. What she's worrying about will probably happen someday because it is what I was meant to become. I can already see it happening to me. My personality has been somewhat more fake and I pretend I am having a blast sometimes when I know I hate every moment that I am living this life this way and I have never once considered suicide or anything because I don't believe escaping a situation or every situation is the way things ought to be handled. Besides my life is probably more interesting than some of the ones others led previous to suicide. I still act like I don't want people to pry into my life, but you know what? It's not an act. I really don't like people asking me shit about my life because all they wanna do is offer their subjective advice about this and that and sadly it's all shit I've told other people who have poured their crap onto me (sometimes asked for and sometimes I was unwilling).
Everything has been shaky since about February. Many would say it started before that but that was only on-set. It hit me in February and it wasn't the things I'd expected; paranoia and instantaneous breakdown. Rather, things started on a very step slope descending very slowly so I could witness each moment clearly and remember everything as if it were yesterday. Did anyone care to ask me about it? Nah. But, I led people to believe everything was fine and the respect my friends had for me prevented them from every approaching me with those kinds of queries. Strangely, that kept me going until April or so. Come May, I started to have more serious anxiety attacks and I remember taking several very long showers hoping only to come out if someone had told me they needed to shower too, but when you wash at 3am, not many people are awake. My heart hurt then, much like it did tonight for reasons I'll get to later, which reminded me of then and sparked this shitty post about my life again. Like anyone wants to read this trash. I should be using this internet space for something more exciting. People hate drama. I hate drama.
Moving on now the past interest, as I have so horribly stated it, is the MUD. It's dying now, in fact it's dead. The past two weeks no one has even showed up for the hiwiz meetings. They have made no posts concerning their absences previous to meeting time nor do they show up late either, which I would actually tolerate at this point. What bothers me is I have important topics that need voting on and so do the other one or two members that have actually been there waiting with me. It's like a bad relationship! I try too make it work and it doesn't. I put a lot of time into it and it's not good enough. I gave up dating for this reasons. That and I'm beyond overweight now and nobody in their right mind is attracted to me. I loved, I lost and that bullshit that Shakespeare said is just that - bullshit. I love the MUD but it's not working out and what has me crossed now is that I know for certain that FFXI isn't the place for me. It's not my style of gaming, it's not what I want, it's not what I need, and it certainly isn't what I want to be doing with my life! So why am I there? I think I owe it to certain people who put the time in to help me, which I was reluctant to accept each time although I never let on because I'm a stupid idiot (as opposed to an intelligent one) who cannot be honest in a life wherein he appreciates honesty above all.
I am worried about school and where I'm gonna be not in five years, but how about September. I don't even know. I haven't given it much thought although I pretend to myself I have and it's a real big lie. I am nervous about my visitor in ten days and I don't know what I am going to do with myself. I want to see V and talk to her face to face again because she seems to be the only one I let in and I speak with her but once a month. I am worried about my weight and how I started jogging again and did really well for a few days then just suddenly stopped again and haven't had a second thought about picking it back up until about ten minutes ago. I'm worried about my party and how it's gonna suck because no one is coming because I don't have many friends at all and I can count how many definites will be there on both my hands. I am really pissed off I can't meditate anymore. This one really kills me. I have been having all these minor panic attacks on my spare time and I can't seem to make my heart stop racing in the middle of the day. I am so fed up with my worries and I hate that I can't just go outside and have a cigarette or grab a beer to just chill me out for ten fucking minutes. I don't even care about anything anymore. I just live on, somehow, getting by on ten bucks a week for chinese food and pretending I am having fun when I go out with some of the people from school. Honestly, as much as I like spending time with Fred and Lin, sometimes I feel like I don't belong there. Neither was really close to me at school and Lin is so much like me sometimes I wanna kill her and other times marry her, and ugh do I hate marriage and blood-stained carpeting.
I let my self get unfocused and I am sitting here wondering when I should just shut up and go to hell. At some point in my life at least seventeen women said that to me so I'll just try to imagine one of their voices in my ear. In essence I haven't changed much but I have become really silently bitter about a lot of things that I am supposed to be enjoying. Heck I knew I was going to enjoy some of the things I tried this summer before I even started. And my disliking for them wasn't due to a self-fulfilling prophecy, it's just that they really sucked period. For example, I was going to start talking to my mother about the certain things and she turned it into some big game about God and beliefs and shit. I tried to get back into pitching and I started to hit the batting cages a few times a week. I found I still can't throw a fastball with authority but that's probably due to the elbow injury asshole Coach Hobbs made me suffer in Freshman year of High School. He is the only man I wish will die a horrible death on this whole planet because I had talent for pitching and I could've been a good ball player but he fucked everything up. It has always bothered me and I don't think I have ever told anyone that.
I'll never be anything of the things I want to be because I have never been able to finish what I started. Even when I went back to try out for the team in Sophomore year, my teammates were so happy to see me back even though I didn't know them and vice versa and Coach yelled me off the field with the chant "You're washed up Adnor, get the fuck off my field." And when I returned to scouts after either months of band touring and working at the music store, I worked hard on my eagle scout project proposal only to have everyone on the board approve of it but the head of the board, Mrs. Little. Yes bitch, I hate you too because you ruined not only my dream, but my father's dream of me following in his footsteps and I am nothing but a disappointment to him and he even told me so once and now I'm crying for him because I am pathetic and can't let it go. I'll never be a doctor like my mom wanted me to be and when I tried to over achieve and I failed miserably and because of it my GPA sucked so bad that I got kicked out of college. I don't blame my mother anymore though, I blame myself for believing her when she said I could do it and I was so confident I couldn't before that. I let her mind games win me over and I promised I would never lie to myself and I did and it chews on my soul now everyday. Now, I'll never get into a school or change my major to Computer Science. And all that time I put into the MUD for it to just die out. It would appear that I will never finish what I started either because someone doesn't approve, others don't share the same visions I do (so I assume they must be far-fetched), or I simply am not welcome where I wish to be at that very moment I am seeking acceptance and nothing more.
I'll never be a baseball player.
I'll never be an eagle scout.
I'll never be a doctor.
I'll never be the administrator for an open, successful MUD.
I'll never pursue a career in gaming development.
These five things are the bane of my existence. These are the things I am becoming more increasingly certain everyday will never happen. The ones that hurt the most are the ones that I can't have back and you know which ones those are. As good as my mother and father have tried to make my life be, they've never given me what I wanted because mom, it can't be bought with money. All the years you've tried to feed me that crap about how to be successful and likewise, well I have news for you and that is not everyone can hack their way through life to the top manipulating people and reading their minds and having your way. I won't do that and I don't want to learn how to do it. But, I do look up to you for what you have achieved in your life and how you came here knowing nothing and have become somebody important (in your own mind).
For now, I'm retiring the pen. I'm going to lay down and try to cry and maybe relieve some of the pain nobody knows I feel. No one should read this and you should forget it once it's all over because that's the way I'd want it. Yeah, my way for a change. Actually nevermind. If I ever got what I wanted I think the earth would start spinning the other way.
Grey (4:01 AM)