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The Past

Tuesday, October 28, 2003
-*nickels and peas*-

What's happening people? I am really in the mood for a long walk right now. I felt for moments at a time today (several) that if I went on a journey somewhere remotely un-close, but not far per se, that when I returned, I'd be right as rain. Today I will turn a new leaf over and reveal colours only the sky can see. I will become the hunted, forever running from a waterfall of needle-like feelings. I will not run, although I may pace quickly over the ground, away from the center of gravity. The epitome of fear, doubt, and pain will ruin the task I undertake if I do not rid myself of their presence soon.

What will become of he who leaves somewhere too far. They would fail. Fail miserably. So I know I cannot leave too far. I will stay where I am for the time being and look back every so often as I move away from all that is unholy to me. Do not stray too far, the wise man said, for the only one whom you shall meet upon your journey is deceit. That is a good word.

Descartes once said that God was constantly decieving him, that God existed only in a deceitful manner, and even took pleasure in observing the products of his deceit. I think he gave God way too much credit, and I'm doing the same thing right now. god. What I see as 'god' is a spec of dust in the stream of understanding; the pea under the mattress. god is but the basis for knowledge, she may be a building block, but she is not the end. god is so small in comparison to what I know I know, or what I feel I know may be a better choice of words. Things I have come to see or feel have been deceiving at time, but this is not the fault of some ethereal figure, some invisible man. This is the way we are programmed. Like robots of the future, we process information at a higher level that other animals. We can choose from our options. We can stop breathing if we wanted to. Life is strange. Life is simply complex.

There is so much more to where people have come to place a barrier called god. Do not ever stop your fiending for knowledge. Place your doubt in a cup, add a dash of cocoa powder, swirl it around, and gulp it down. The taste would have you enjoy such a feat, but the end result would be the same. Ridding yourself of those emotions blackest to you will put you a step, or maybe two, in the right direction.

Did you want to experience the world in a different fashion? I can do that. What tickles your fancy? What would bring you to enlightenment? I want to touch that, whatever enlightenment is. I want to touch, run my fingers across it, grasp it tightly, flatten it into a tiny cake, the size of a nickel, and place it in my pocket. But only a copy. I would't take it away from anyone else who could find it. They might do the same. I'd never tell anyone, it would be my little secret.

Bring it on, spread it thick and smear it heavy. Whatever may come, I am ready for that challenge right NOW. Do not make me wait oh god of who-ever-the-fuck. What could you possibly do to hurt me? I cannot be hurt. I am unbreakable. Place you pain in me and I will eat it for all to see. Place your hate in me, I will destroy it like many lives unwanted. No blood this time, we don't bleed to bleed. we bleed to feel. I need to feel. Place your pain in me.

Grey (4:03 PM)

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