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The Past

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

What else do I say?

Mistakes. I never wanted that from you. I know who I do want it from and I will be plain, blunt and straightforward.

I want you back. I was wrong to neglect the only thing that mattered to me in this world. You kept me balanced out. So balanced I was able to even smile. What have I done? Nothing. And that is what the problem is. I am desperate. I am in love. I have loved you and will love you. Always. I do not know what else to say. If the people in my life knew me, if I LET them know me, they would know how I feel for you, and I know that they do, now, even have some good idea of it. To me, it is not an idea, it is a state. A state of being perhaps. Whatever it is, I will NEVER find the words to tell you how I feel about you, not now or ever. I can say the words 'I love you' but those do not even scratch the surface of my emotional pool. They do not even do you justice. My love for you is too greyt. I cannot ever overcome that, forget you whatever. If I turned around and you ran for me, would you believe again? I think you would stop yourself this time. You want to stop yourself. You want to move on into something you do not want to fail at again. No one wants to fail. I didn't. Now look what I've done. I'm making this public so that everyone can see and I don't care about what they think of me. Not a single one of them, not right now. I am no longer in control of my own life and that frightens me. I will boil over, I will struggle to stay the same. Brad, I don't want to live another day just to fight my own sorrow. I am sick of it. I have so much patience for the world and none leftover for myself. I have given that which I never had and now I have nothing left for me. I know that I am a selfish person, but apparently I am not selfish enough. Eileen, please. Everyday of my life without you is a hell I do not want to exist in. What words can I say? None. But I still want to show you that world I promised you. I never broke a promise to you. If I did, I never intended to. These words look just as plain as any other entry's words on any blog by any person in any country at any computer. But to me, these words are trying to become what I am, and are failing because the words that do become me simply do not exist. I haven't wished for anything in such a long time. Right now, I will wish that my words make sense to you, and that one day I will CREATE the right word or words that say how I truly feel. But words aside, I will show you. I will show you again, soon. If you let me show you that is. It was always for you. This one's for you. You gave me so much and I placed it aside for just a moment but that moment was long enough for you to slip away. I took to long this time. I don't want to repeat my mistakes, I have never done that, you know that true. I will not ever let you go, no matter how hard you try to wriggle away. I know it is not fair. It is how I feel. It is not because of remorse or rejection or depression - it is just me being me. I am a cold person, but not towards you. I have all the emotion for you. I offered support, I offered advice. You took very little of it from me and I appreciated you just listening. Now, I'm listening to Third Eye imagining you singing it in my car on the way to the mall. You weren't the best singer but at that time it made me smile. I'll never forget it. I am about to cry and no one will ever see. No one will care either. Maybe one. Maybe two. But that's nearly nobody. If I do not see you soon I will be over. I will boil over. Mamimi. I will no longer be human. I will have become a beast. Hope exists for me now, but not then. My hope is all that wakes me up now. It's all that has me rise up and stand upon the ground I never believed in until you came into my life. Never say 'never' to me. There will not ever be a never between us. I have run out of words. I have used up my thoughts for the day. Today, my life has gone away. Hope will revive it again tomorrow, unwillingly. Whatever the case; I love you. That just doesn't say it right, but it is all humanity could ever come up with. I am sorry for making you cry. See you soon..

Listening to A Perfect Circle - Gravity.
Feeling Grey.
Wanting more.
Nursing a spark of hope.
Living out my life sentence.

Calm these hands before they
snare another pill and
Drive another nail down another needy hole.
Please release me.

I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown.
Catch me. Heal me.
Lift me back up to the sun..
I choose to live (with you).

Grey (3:10 PM)

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