Sunday, January 16, 2005
I got to hang out with Glenn tonight and, needless to say, we hit upon a lot of the issues I have been having. He was able to offer me advice, a multitude of new jokes, and a friendly smile. I felt better while I was at his place, shooting the shit like old times.
Coming home is always a painful experience. I do not understand why I call it home. My heart is simply not to be found here. Entering the door at 4:07am this morning, a feeling of overwhelming depression followed me in. I am cursed in some way, as I always knew I had been, but this time I gain insight to the world around me. Yes, me. Let this be about me again since that seems to be the going theme this week.
An aura of malcontent is thick in these walls. They close in on me like circling birds of prey, ever-inching lower as they prepare to strike. The cloud over my head is so close now I can touch it. A gooey, black substance, rich in disgust and ill-fortune, is a forbidding omen to those that have turned their back to the craft. What do I do? Walk on upward to this room wherein all that which is so-called "mine" can be found. Things generally found as I left them, with only a glimmer of hope that they have been untouched in my absence. Something, not someone is watching me and I can feel it breathing around me at times.
The words that I lack and the nonsensical diction I bring to the table are often times the products of a collision with my mind and the hands of that which shall be named Undone. Its presence here careens over my skin gently as I turtle myself under the covers only to cause a shiver deep within my body. I feel uninvitingly cold and the rapture takes hold..
..I fall into a deep sleep wherein I lose control of my thoughts and wake up, just as I had described earlier tonight, in a dream that begins with me face down in the dirt, at the bottom of a canyon. Looking upwards as I brush the dust off my clothes, I can see the plateau from which I must have fallen, as there could be no other place. It is odd that I am not dead, having survived such a plunge, unscathed at that..
..The light is bright and the sun seems a wavy figure off in the distant horizon. The air is thick with dust and it is hard to breath. The rock beneath my feet is firm and sand blows off the top of the ground in a swirling twister of choking air. It is here that the Undone brings me. For what reason I do not know..
As best I can figure it, I am to understand that I have survived one pitfall and am on my own for a little while. It is a mind-fuck of virtual bullshit and vulgar swearing as I know I am not entirely alone in the real world and the depressing landscape is somewhat of a teasing joke. I have yet to find it funny. The corners of my mind have begun to round themselves and there are fewer and fewer shadows to hide in as the days pass.
I am doing the best I can, but I'm far from doing the best I ever did. Tonight I will think more on it and bring some closure to this demon.
Bring me down,
that's been tried.
It brought me down,
that's been done.
I'll bring it down,
tonight's the night
the parasites eat my words.
Victory has never tasted
Victorious this day
Grey (5:06 AM)