Monday, January 17, 2005
I don't know what's going on, but I can understand why it is happening. You know what though? I am happy it's taking place now rather than later. For many reasons I should be annoyed or pissed off and deep down inside where my anger hides, lurking around, I'm sure it is swelling with hatred. But I am just a hopeless romantic, that I can admit. I'm patient too. I want everything to work out in the end, of course, but I know that life will throw what it wants at me and whether or not I am there to pound on the table or throw a rock at the windshield, it will happen. My opinion has never mattered to anyone, barely even to me. I have a deep respect for time and refer to it simply as the only bandaid worth waiting for.
Admitting what is going on is important to me and is very indicative to my mental health (by which I mean instability). I like the truth a lot. When all the cards are laid out on the table, I may not even be there to see the last hand be dealt. If not, then that is what has been chosen and I will cease to be anything that could have been. I'm not dealing, I'm not playing. I will probably just walk away from the table before anyone loses anymore chips. If I don't see it, the it probably didn't happen and I'm not willing to sacrifice any more than I have already bet. I'm going all-in pretty soon and if I lose by luck of the draw, then I'm back right where I started before I began playing the game.
But as I said, I'm glad. As one unwise asshole said to the next: Deal with it.
Grey (3:08 AM)