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The Past

Thursday, January 20, 2005

I felt like I had something to write tonight but I didn't. I think there are not enough things to say about the things I feel and on the whole, if someone doesn't care, then I'm not going to bother. Since I feel that way, I will spare the world of my droll speech on love and happiness.

Tonight marks the final chapter in BeHuman (dehuman treux). I've felt human for long enough and I do have some remarks about it. I will share those for the sake of keeping this autobiography alive.

The emotions that human beings feel are often incoherent, misguided, or simply wrong. It is difficult to endure humanity for so long when there are things about ourselves we do not understand and cannot understand about the ones around us. It was a very magical experience I must say. I have lost a few friends in my journeys and gained one that was very close to me. She was supposed to be here tonight but I don't know where she is. This is a good point to bring up as well. Even when we do things to each other unintentionally, we can leave marks or open wounds that may or may not have been there previously. And when these things happen, time is the only medicine that person and the world have to offer. These wounds scab over and we forget about them until pressed upon so sharply they cause us to shed a tear or worse, bleed. Sometimes the scabs are torn open forcefully by words or the actions of other people or even ourselves during a period of self-loathing.

Well, I think that's just what people are. They are great to be in the company of, but not always great to be in relationships or conversations with. Humans are fickle and make ridiculous decisions before acquiring all their feelings and really analyzing the situation at hand. We jump to conclusions as it may and sometimes that has detrimental affects on the future for one person, many persons, or any number of people. Chain reactions cause booming sounds to echo throughout the canyons of life and some more of the mysteries of people unravel and become outspoken for some to see; sometimes only one.

I have learned a great deal about people and have tried once again to become one myself and lead a solitary life where I tried to be less like them and more like me. It felt right for so long, and then the bottom fell out. I am going to retreat again to the safer side of where I belong, and should have stayed, once again. If I remain exposed, heart on the outside, it will be only that much easier to allow myself to be pierced again. Stupid decisions have been made and even stupider words exchanged. In plain English - I was destroyed. My scabs bleed again and new wounds have been torn open. I thought I was ready to let this go, but I was wrong. I have been wronged by many people and I was ill-prepared for this journey; my heart was never ready. I don't think my heart will ever be ready for this again, and I don't say that out of pity or emotionality. Things are different now, worse than I thought they could be.

I have but one confession to make:
I was proud to be a human and feel the way you did. But I've let life get the better of me. It fooled me, turned me around, and slapped me in the face. It will be a long time before I'll be ready to trod this path again.

I am proud to be a human and feel the way you did.

This marks the end of Chapter 3: BeHuman (dehuman treux)

Grey (2:17 AM)

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