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The Past

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Insomnia has set in again. Since 2am or so I've been thinking about my future. I've been thinking as early as tomorrow's job hunt and next months parties and visitations and what I am going to do about it all, and as far ahead as one year from now. It is somewhat frightening to feel this way, all worked up about changes in the assembly of my life and what it all means in the end. I am going to finish a degree I don't want anymore and be stuck with some job I equally don't want. A chat with Glenn today made me feel less at a loss but it didn't comfort me any really. We exchanged a fair number of complaints about our subjective lives and I felt I learned a bit about his opinions on the topic of education. He's thinking of taking a liberal arts major because he doesn't want to do the engineering anymore. I felt it would come to this, but a part of me also felt if he got through this semester, and he did, that he would pursue his life-long nightmare of having a well-paying, detestable job.

Why does America have to be so set in its (terrible) ways of making kids go to a useless high school wherein no real knowledge is obtained and the most important you "learn" is the pythogorean theorem? Why do they expect us to know what we want to be when we "grow up" at age 18? We KNOW for a fact that education in this country is failing. Partly, it is due to the over-emphasis on structure and the under-estimation of our youth. Our youth should be challenged more, or be forced to take remedial types of classes. The few bright students should not be tossed in with kids who are in more "advanced" classes simply because they're older. We assume that knowledge and retention comes with age on such a linear scale that we doom ourselves. The transition from my high school to my first university was not linear, but exponential. My high school did not prepare me for that at all, nor did my up-bringing, which sucked by the way, and none of my "guidance" counselors were of any use to me at the tender ages in which I met with them ONCE for about five minutes in my junior year.

With my failures preceding me now, and my uneducated survey of the field of schooling, I feel that somewhere, something went wrong in this country and everyone says that it must be done a certain way. Free country you say? FUCK THAT. Our current president wouldn't know freedom if it slapped him in the face with its huge cock or teabagged him while he was sleeping. In this country, if you don't believe in the Judeo-Christian god then you won't get married in a church, and similarly, your marriage won't be recognized (so easily) by the state, although there is a documented (and poorly executed) separation of deity and government. Bullshit. My mother tells me every chance she gets that I must do this, I must do that, and quite frankly, it makes no sense to me why I *must* do things a certain way in this country, in this world, to make something happen. When people bump into me they say "excuse me" as if what? Are they asking me to excuse them or imperatively stating they are excused? Why the fuck do they say it to begin with? Fuck off will ya? All you did was nudge me a little! It's not the end of the fucking world! (although I always wish it would be). And if I sneeze, no fuck it, don't bless me, I didn't ask to be blessed! Are you trying to force your shit on me? Should I be grateful or defensive? Just shaddup. Mike and I didn't ONCE say "bless you" to eachother all year in our suite, nor did Greg and I. It's a sneeze, get over it lamers.

You don't escape the norms of this country at all no matter how much they say you can or they are trying to make it free. It has become very engrossing and upsetting to look at my dollar and see my beliefs, and the beliefs of many around the world, as well as the words of a few politicians, be made a mockery of with the simple words 'In God we trust'. So important in fact, they capitalized the 'g' as well as every other letter in that phrase. People are fucking DUMB. I hate garbage like Christmas and Valentine's Day and holidays of shit that happened a long time ago that we're supposed to stop and reflect on. Someone should tell the people making all these holidays that nobody cares anymore. It's just another day off to the common worker and everyday school kid. All in all, I respect the people who were willing to fight and die for this country, but most of them, and most of us even today, are blind to the things that our government does and all the nonsense tied to it, and many of them weren't given a choice anyway. Yeah, some freedom there.

Everything from tuxedos, to fancy cars, to nostalgic photo albums. I dislike all of that stuff hands down, no contest. No, I don't want to sign your yearbook. No, I don't want to be forced to look like a penguin because my sister said I'm supposed to for her dumbass party. No, I don't care that your Honda Civic has chrome rims and a "hot" transmission. I don't care what I have anymore, as long as it works. I don't care about having a million dollars, or driving a nice car, or having a beautiful girlfriend, or the biggest collection of video games, or a Ph.D. in Dentistry, or a guitar signed by some guy nobody's ever heard of anyway, or a bunch of neat books, or matching room furniture, or anything that has to do with trying to show off to people. Whatever man, just be yourselves. Stupid television shows shit like "In love Survivor" where they take people who are supposedly "in love" and separate them. Basically stranding them ALONE with some other person they obviously think is gorgeous so they can fuck up their whole relationship and everyone at home can watch and call that person a total bitch or a whore or saw 'awww..' when they make the right choice not to cheat on their spouse to-be. Then there's shit like American Idol where people with pash accents who think they know everything there is to know about everything (and probably have the education of a log) make fun of people who think they sing well because their dog doesn't howl at them while they're hitting those high notes in the shower, and they put that on TV so people can watch that shit too. What the fuck is wrong with the people who watch these shows? Reality television? It's TELEVISION people! There's nothing REAL about it. If it was really a reality show, it'd be on ALL DAY and you could tune in and watch EVERYTHING each character does on a different channel. Or there'd be split-screen action, and each character would have its own little area of the screen where his or her life would "play out" the whole time. Get a life people. Am I here to criticize you? You're damn right I am, and because it's a "free" country I can do that with this free blog of mine.

They talk about banning anything but water, fruit punch and hot lunch in high schools across the country to deal with America's "weight problem" on C-SPAN, but I think they need to address our country's "stupid problem". They need to start canceling shitty shows that corrupt our youth and stop making fucked up laws like you can't leave the stove on while walking your dog on Fridays between 10am and 3pm. Fuck it, if they're that dumb, let their house burn down. It's good population control and it's that way genetically to get rid of all the idiotic people in the species. Humans are always fighting the fact that they're an animal. That's what we are. So what if we wear high heel shoes and Sunday dresses? You'd hafta e pretty stupid to EVER wear high heels. And what's up with butt-floss? I don't think ANY GIRL finds wearing a thong comfortable. And, if you do, you're off your rocker. Wear some frickin' panties and cover your ass. Try to save some of the fun for nudity ya know?

Really, there's a lot of fucked up shit that goes on in our lives everyday in the places we are least likely to look and people eat it up like it's candy or something. I think if people were exposed to a wider variety of things that we might actually get over being surprised when something happens. We might realize that New Year's is not a time for celebration but a time to purchase a new calendar. And why do people always slow down when there's an accident, even when it's on the shoulder? If I could have one wish, it would be that people slowing down to stare at an accident would disappear in a puff of smoke, teleported indefinitely to Sillyville where they're stuck in traffic all day because nobody looks at the road and just stares off to the left or right, looking for something "exciting".

Is all that stupidity what it means to be human? I am supposed to be learning how that works so I can graduate to a level of understanding of the human race that I'm sure thousands, or more, before me have achieved, where they just don't act that way because they know there's no fucking reason for it! If that's what being human partly entails, then I am far from ever being apart of society. BeHuman will forever be only a thought, if that's the case.

Anyone who was offended by this post will just have to get over it. These are my opinions and if don't like them, you don't have to agree with them, so why would you be upset? I hope that made sense to some of you. I still believe firmly that people can do what they want to do. So, if you want to wear your business suit to work because that's what they tell you, or you really do like wearing capri pants even though they look stupid on everyone, or whatever else it is I may by criticizing people for, it's cool. In some ways, it bothers me, and I'm not friends with people who act that way and my real friends just aren't like that. This is probably why I don't have many friends, and those that I do aren't at all like the people I've described, although some of their friends might be. Rock on individualism.

Anyhow, maybe I can sleep now.

Grey (6:00 AM)

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