Sunday, November 13, 2005
I know that I can be hard on myself. In fact I generally am, but usually always with good reason.
When you train, ready, for something for so long.. like, you know exactly what you would do in every possible situation that could ever possibly be thrown at you, and you've analyzed your resources, weighed the options, and settled on a choice you would make in every one of those possible scenarios, then you lie and wait.
Waiting every moment of every day for just one of those scenarios to hit you in the face so you can react to it. So that you can hone your skills in this task, one of many tasks, because you are a professional. Because you are a Ninja. Because you know that perfection is more than an ideal, and your inner desires yearn every moment of every one of those days that passes to taste what 'it' is all about.
But humanity gets in the way. The evolution of randomization. The evolution of design by trial and error; the inherent form--that which is, unlike perfection, the least desirable path.
That which is our seed..
Error. Not for the effect of bringing down others, but rather, yourself and then others because of it. Because you make one mistake, others suffer.
Their hard work for naught.
Your hard work for naught.
And as you lay there, head in the sand, choking on the minerals, you shed a tear for yourself. Your inner pride swallowed up, abandoned you! Gone for now, but what seems like forever-gone.
Reclaiming it won't be easy. The blame you place upon yourself is due to the soul. Those innermost desires that seek a challenge. And with each of the aforementioned passing days, your skills will continue to grow, building up, readying themselves for another, new, challenge, or a shot at victory over a previous one. But the flaw shines through..
It becomes one thing, encompassing many things..
When the challenge finally comes, you ask yourself, "Will I be ready?"
When you stare at that challenge from afar, you prepare yourself.
When you meet that challenge in battle, your assault is fierce.
For some of us, we harbor things we must prove to ourselves. We await challenges. In our minds we review the script. I would do this if that. I would that if this. You say to yourself, "I am ready to be challenged."
Today, I met my challenge.
Grey (10:32 PM)