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The Past

Thursday, December 25, 2003
-*Le Coeur D'ombre*-

I've decided not to stay here for much longer. I am going to leave behind many things soon and I will have no regrets. First, I will start with my family, and inevitably, my friends. I do not know how to apologize for this but it is out of my hands I now know. I know that many people say that they hate Christmas. I hate it. But I do not hate the message it is supposed to convey. I hate the togetherness of people nobody really cares honestly about all gathering in one house or spot to have a meet and greet. As a young adult of 20 years of age, I have no idea what to say to them and all they do is ask me how I am doing in school and work.

Go away.
Leave me alone.
I have a headache.

These are the things I wish to say to them. Shut-up is another one that comes to mind. My family has always been judgmental, just as I was taught to be. But lately, I have not been so judgmental, I changed my life in some way, although realistically, it changed itself. I have become a perceptivist. I have taken the back seat of life and have decided that I will now watch the road ahead more closely, with every ounce of existence I can possibly shed away in such a task.

Tonight was another terrible event. This time, my father attempted to embarrass me in front of everyone. He was successful. I used to love my father more than my mother, but tonight, he was dethroned and placed upon the same tier as the one parental unit M resides on.

Father sits down next to me on couch after minor socialization with extended family.
He says, 'So your mother tells me you don't believe in God. That you haven't for some time now.'
'Yeah, and?', I repiled.
'Well that makes you a hypocrite as well as a snob and an asshole.'
'Hey dad, kiss my ass. and then go FUCK yourself.'
I promptly left the room.

I began to doze off in the car.
'I think Stefen needs therapy', whispers my mother to my father from the driver seat.
Now awake fully, 'I think YOU need MOM.'
'Oh and why's that?', she just had to ask.
'Because if someone doesn't agree with you, apparently, the only interpretation you have of that is they need therapy.'
'Are you with another clique we don't know about?', asks my already-on-the-shit-list father.
'No dad, you people have no ideas at all about me or my life so stop making assumptions.'
'Then it must be your friends. You know what? They're all assholes too and they've turned YOU into one haven't they?'
'WHAT WAS THAT? WOULD YOU LIKE TO REPEAT THAT DAD?', I exclaimed, the most upset I have been in my ENTIRE life, 'You do not know THEM and you certainly don't know me either so FUCK YOU again, you are obviously the biggest asshole I have ever met, congratulations.'
'Don't you yell at your father!!!', screams my mom. 'Sam! Glenn is a Christian, he's not as asshole!'

So I guess Brad is still an asshole... Or something.
Father later apologized half-assed for all his words tonight. I told him it didn't matter. His opinions are respected but not agreed with and I still think he is an ignorant old man with a dead-beat wife who never loved him and a mother who doesn't call him ever that he goes out of his way to show he also loves. He was also told that he is an asshole of his own accord and that he has lost any of my respect that still remained.

'No, it doesn't matter what I do or say or believe in, you always go out of your way to find something to be mad at me about, just admit it', I said.
'I have lost so many people this year and you don't care at all about my feelings!', yelled mother from the driver seat, swerving.
'You don't think I have lost friends because nobody I know has died I was close to? Man, you are even more close-minded than this old man,' was my reply.
'You've always been popular Stefen, in school, with people, on the internet. So don't give me that at all Stefen!!!!', cries my mom in tears.
First, I paused and thought about what she had just said and laughed a really, hardy laugh in my chest. Man was she EVER wrong. 'You obviously don't know shit about me mom. There are more people out there in the world who I have known that would rather see my face smeared all over a street corner than would want to hang out with me, or claim I was popular, or even *chuckling* LIKE me in the slightest.'
'Oh please Stef, what do you know..'
'About my own life? Well, jeesh. The WHOLE THING I'D HOPE. Nobody else is helping me live it MOM', I snickered.

At this point I gave up on her. She talked about some garbage the rest of the way home and cried about some stupid shit I don't care about. But, right before she got home, she was finally right about something. There was a long pause, then some words were spoken..

'I know that you are so cold inside sometimes. If one of your family, your "close", immediate famliy, someone in the house or in this car right now were to die, you wouldn't care at all. You wouldn't cry, you wouldn't think twice about it. You'd just be the same way you are now. Cold.'

Every part of her being was right the moment her last words resounded in my ears, she was correct. In all her life, my mother has never been right about anything that involved my opinions or beliefs, but somehow, she know me so well for that split moment that she was able to finally see what I was capable of.

I do not think she cares if I die either. As it is, things aren't going very well for me and she isn't supporting anything I am doing now either. Things are not good in my life at this time and no one can help that. If I could, I would help it along just slightly so the bad could be over sooner and maybe it would all end quicker as well.

I am working on a way to turn it off finally. BUT, I have also concluded that I will not turn it off. Ever. I will only keep it as knowledge and never turn it off ever. I will change my mind on that topic soon, this I know.

Friday I will begin to search for my new home. Where it will be, I do not know. Where it will, I have some ideas. How it will become will take some time.

As an aside, I am contemplating begininng another blog. Artistically, no words could ever capture the essence of my meanings and thus I have been toying around with the idea of having this blog for purely un-edited life and spiritual posts. My spiritual postings will more than likely make little sense but to two or three people who read this blog. The second blog, which shall not be secondary, but rather, just as important is this one, will be a more edited, realistic view on life. It will be the representation and embodiment of this blog, with a lens taken to it, focusing on the points I feel are more important when seen as individual thoughts rather than part of an amalgamation of several. This blog format can be seen in some past posts including sectioned headers, such as the post made on the 20th of November as well as having little-shit posts of random pointless silliness such as the post made on the 7th of December. This blog will be dedicated to my path of spiritualism and idealism and deal with that which we percieve. It will be written from the point of view of a philisophical protagonist whom I will assume the role of. It will be formatted more as a real live journal than I hectic blog. I feel this two-dimensional attempt at my soul will somehow broaden the scope many have of my beliefs as well as my feeling about events in my life. Please, leave feedback about this idea, or even just this post. Your opinions are always welcome in the organ formerly known as my heart.

If being me is so bad - Deal with it.

Grey (1:49 AM)

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