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I have seen the petals.
I have swallowed the flower of subtlety.
The year was pretty good actually. I grew up a lot. I cannot say the same for some of my peers but certainly, everyone has a new and different outlook on their future as a human being. It brings one smile and half a tear. I've made decisions just as all others have about life and it's many repetitive courses. In the end, it doesn't even matter said two wise men and a few hypocrites.
I would say that I want to get away but you all already know that. The paragraphs, the lines, the periods and commas - they have all bound me here to this spot and I cannot shake myself from their shackled grasp upon my mind. If it didn't make sense, it probably never has, and naturally, never will.
If bygones are bygones, why are they not themselves?
Drink the wine, smoke that shit, and have a Happy New Year? What exactly makes a happy new year, or anything "happy" for tha matter? Too long have I been set aside, forgotten, ill-treated, and laughed at for thinking differently from the rest. This year, I will make my mark on the soul that is society. Tear it down I will try, castigated I will become. This is the life I choose so back off.
~*~
January was a strange time. I don't like breakdowns. I will be brief lacking brevity.
I made many new friends this year. Many I have had problems with because of the way I am or the way they are. Vhary, Sujit, Greg, Matt, BolTON, Rob (oom), Joe, and last and least, Phil. I don't know what else I would say to these people if I had only one thing to thank them for. I might not say anything in an attempt to be witty or thankful for everything. I would say 'cheers' and toast apple juice with them.
I have lost some friends as well. Eileen, Kristin, Jen. There are others not worth mentioning. There are very many things I wish I could say to you all too, but mostly just 'fuck you' to the ones still living. I owe you nothing, I was used, and none of you will ever realize the value of true friendship, in my eyes, as you cast it aside so easily. Misuse people you do and for that you are terrible people. You are no better than anyone else nor deserve special treatment. And if you are happier without me in your lives, so be it. I was upset once, but I no longer care for any of you, I'm sorry. Things I have said, promises I had made, you have forced my heart to break. I am a hypocrite for saying those things now, but only to you - those whom I no longer care about. And Kristin, you wanted so hard for me to mention you in my blog. Well here it is - YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL, GET OVER YOURSELF. Huzzah to that.
Franky, although I did not know you well, you were a friend I could confide in if I needed to. I would gladly trade my life so that yours would go on still. Honestly, I would.
~*~
To my family.
Thank you for being there for me when I did not need you.
Thank you also for not being there when I needed you the most.
Thank you for not understanding me at all.
Thank you for outcasting me in every family event I might've enjoyed if you had just asked.
Thank you also for shafting me at school.
Thank you for being ignorant pricks.
Thank you for being mostly worthless human beings to me.
Thank you for sharing the gift of anger with me.
Thank you for shame and stupidity.
But most of all, thank you for hating me and never letting me be who I really am.
Fuck.
Off.
~*~
My friends are all that I worship in this world. To the few that remain, I will never forget those things which brought us closer together.
I want to thank Troela and everyone who worked on Seasons of Almadyn MUD this year.
Thank you to Glenn's mom for letting me escape to her place when I really needed to get away.
Thank you to Vhary for being there when I tried to cry but couldn't.
Thanks to Suj who I shared many long talks with, both important and unimportant.
Thank you Stacy for being up front and honest with me about everything.
Thank you Els for being one of the coolest, most hardcore gamer I've ever run into. Rock on bitch!
Thank you Greg for the immeasurable amount of cactus we had this year. It was a good run. See you on Friday :)
Thank you to Wolpert for letting me stay in your room that night man. Oh, and letting me make fun of you to your face.
Thank you to Urien for being probably my biggest fan ever and supporting my wackiness throughout the year.
Thanks to the Rochester people for being cool friends to me when I first met them and supporting me in my Guilty Gear X2 habit.
Thanks Spock for Slater! It was an awesome strip while it lasted bro!
Thank you to Avi-san for being the most awesome-mest non-super-Jew ever.
Thanks to Joe and Phil for helping me study this semester! I passed Chemistry with a C!!!
Thank you Rob for being a professional idiot.
Thank you Vadim (might as well) for being the funniest one-armed bandit ever. You could always make me laugh even when I hated you.
Thank you Gizmo (M.S.!) for healing me in FFXI and being a somewhat active law wizard :P
Thank you to Kaa for hearing me out and sharing so many ideas with me about life and the way it just has to be sometimes.
Thanks to Anna, Heidi, and Katta for being Swedish.
Thanks to my SoA play-testers. Your feedback is priceless!
Thank you Schmidty for always finding me at the mall because you are the weird stalker-type. *cringe*
Thank you to Tony for sitting and chatting those few times we had this year at your house or mall. Good luck.
Thank you to anyone who posted meaningful, honest comments on my blog this year.
And special shout-outs to Brad and Glenn - my partners in crime, fame, and misfortune no matter what happens. You guys ROCK. Thank you for everything you've given me his year - warmth, guidance, counsel, and booze.
These are my words, the way I choose to close this year. In the end, everyone I have thanked and not thanked, I love. That is, unless I've said otherwise. Yeah, I love you all in a certain, subjective way. If ever the need arises, ask me for what it is you need. I will try my best to be the nightly knight. Cheers to the new year and the casting off of emotional stress with alcohol and other pollutants. Amen to the fathers. And to the mothers. Ya-hoo for coloured balls!
Nostalgia is poison.
See you all next year. I hope. You never know.
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