Sunday, January 15, 2006
I've spent so many sleepless nights these past three weeks lying awake in bed thinking about my life. Tonight I finally realize that all the things that keep me from dreaming and all the things that bother me point to one thing.
I am heartbroken.
When I went over the script for this post in my mind, I knew exactly what I was going to say, but now as I write, I can't seem to take my thoughts off my heavily-beating heart. My body shivers as the heat in the apartment turns off and on as if on its own whims. Nothing I have worked for emotionally has ever worked out. I am broken on the inside and I say this with a very solemn tone.
Anytime I tried to make something work, to share something with someone, a certain someone now, I have been shunned, shut-out, and why? Not my own fault, maybe not even hers. I hate myself for not making the silence stop but the truth of the matter is I couldn't. I am disgusted with myself to the point of hatred because I always get myself into the god damn situations where I feel a certain way, share those feelings, then get dumped, forgotten, pushed-aside. Then later, I here about all the horrible things that I knew would happen, but couldn't stop from happening because the other person shut me out because they CHOSE to.
A part of me wants to say you deserve it, but that isn't how I feel. That is my anger boiling up inside, but it is less like anger and more like helplessness because I couldn't be there for you when you needed me to be there. And why? Because you didn't want me to be there either, you shut me out. And now I am heartbroken. I can't mend anything, I can't even contact this person. Why? I have no fucking idea. They say one thing and act another way. Speak, type, and maybe even feel they care for me, but then leave me no routes in which I can know what is going on in their life. What is wrong with you? All those things said and all the promises made. For nothing. Lies, deceit, and then you are hurt. And me, who is hurt also because your had to suffer through something and never let me know how you felt.
I want things to change. I want to find someone that I can care about and doesn't leave me in the dark about their entire life for the past year, and gives me no way to contact them, or care for them, but still insinuates that they want a "future". The only way to have a future is to start anew at all. And if that doesn't ever happen, then the past may as well have not existed either, so forget about it just like you have been trying to all along and just let me go for good. But I really want to have a future with you. I still love you with all heart. Just come and talk and I know I will accept you for the way you are, because I love you.
And lastly, a note to everyone that seeks love: You shouldn't regret the way you are. In our minds, we develop an idea of our perfect mate, but we never find a person to match that ideal 100%. So we settle a bit, for 99%, or 90% or 80%, etc. No matter what, someone that truly loves you, will love you for who you are. Not who you were or who you wanna be, or what you've become because time has passed since you've been together. Love is eternal. I wish to say this to all people, because deep inside I am a lover and truly not a fighter. I don't settle, I am just trying to be happy, and everyone keeps hurting me in some way and all they give me is a few words to sum it all up, most of them apologetic.
If you want love, go out and get it, and when you find it, don't let it go, no matter how much it hurts. Because in the end, you'll have someone to share everything with--a nice house, a pool in the backyard, a little kitten, and maybe some children to bring it all the closure. If you want love, come and get it, and when you find it, don't let it go, like you did. Because everyone got hurt, and everyone had a rough time, and someone forgot about the other person, but the other person didn't forget about someone.
on my mind,
things of fortune,
things of pain.
Why did it turn out this way?
After all was said,
and all that was planned?
When you lie to yourself,
you lie to others.
others get hurt.
There is only one fate worse than death; loneliness. Everyday I die a little more inside, because my heart is growing weak and weary. I don't know how much more of it I can take. I'll just cry myself to sleep. :'(
Grey (6:14 AM)