Friday, May 21, 2004
The first day has ended. I will not say that this life of mine has run its course of fun yet. Boredom has become my unwanted ally and the poacher of fun has had its come-up-ance. If you never deny truth entry into your home, you'll never have to ignore the doorbell. It is nearly time for me to make a decision that will effect the entire course of my life. It is not yet, but the day approaches quickly, as if without mercy and respect for my will which stands as upright as it can with all the might of my injured soul.
My journey through the reality that has been the lie of three years will come to a completion in only one of two possible ways. I will choose either to pursue another course of action entirely or return to the ways I dislike the most in my life. I have been asked to stay, she said. At the time I was shocked to hear the first true words, spoken from the heart, in a very long time. I fear that I will disappoint her, though, and she will perhaps shed a tear, or ask to come see me. True friends have always been difficult to come by and for that I will regret the decision my soul desires to make above all.
I remember the words as clear as the night was then. Honesty, a vision, inevitability. I had foreseen the events that were taking place only days earlier. I had hope that I would hear otherwise, or that the scene were different. Failed hope stings terribly; this I Know. I nearly lost one, but my body was too stubborn and mind hardened to ever to let that happen again. Then, the heart only blackened. I placed my torso over the edge, as if to vomit for the first time in ages; I was sick then, suddenly. I hated to hear the words, but I knew I could not hate the bearer. I love her as if she was were my own sister. I fear I cannot stay, but it is not because the reasons are not "good" enough. The reasons were all I needed once to accommodate those in need of my attention; the misguided coming to me, a wanderlust, lost within his own reason and fleeting "wisdom".
No longer do I want to help those who come forth. Yes, I have finally grown sick of listening to all the problems of those who are ungrateful in the end. My schoolmates are distant to me - all but the one who cared. She asked me to stay. She said that which she wanted to, selfishly, and finally understood how to penetrate the hardened mind. If there is a reason that I require, to drive me, to make me feel as though I am once again denying my well-being in accommodation, then let it be this one. One has finally realized how highly I prize the truth and the presence of the selfish soul to, without warning or courtesy, ask for a chance to finish something that has been jointly started when one of those souls feels as though he can no longer go on.
I will require more time to reflect on my answer. I will require the cold solitude offered by my air conditioner, the icepack against my body, and a tall glass of apple juice. I am unaware, I have become aware of, that it becomes difficult for one to make a good choice when one fails to see whether one has ever made one or not. I have observed chances increase with experience. Experience with true friendship is one that has always injured more aspects of my own life than it has healed. To this I often wonder if I had ever had a taste of such truth and I am deeply inclined to deny myself the comfort of a simple 'yes'.
Many pains now rise from within. Many I no longer feel. I have become learned in the ways of measurement to an even greater extent and no longer feel the need to stop and experience the pleasures of life to defeat that which has only proceeded in making my life more difficult with each and every stupid, selfish, and evil passing day. No.. I don't need to feel happy to make up for the pain. Happiness is an emotion unrelated to my healing now, in many ways, and flourishes in its own merits. The day I look forward to is one in which loneliness is no longer something I must avoid, but something that is simply a way of my life. Whichever person feels they can accomplish that will receive the attention once-belonging to the selfish interrogators, leaching all the can from my mind while they have but a few minutes of my attention.
News Flash: I am worn the fuck-out of everyone asking for my god-damn advice. What's so good about it anyway huh? Look where it has gotten me - lazy, thrown out of college, depressed, painful, lonely, and most of all hated. If you don't care enough to listen back, then don't bother asking me any fucking questions because I'm tired of being used by you people. Find somebody else whose mind you can seek comfort in, you've already taken all of mine. The virtue of patience no longer dwells here.
I hope all the right people have read my words tonight. Maybe they're just words, but to those who have tried to understand me and have seen me for who I am then perhaps you would like to be the translator for all the other idiots I have been surrounded by. Goodbye and good riddance to all the friends who called me a friend but never once acted like one.
Grey (5:25 AM)