Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Sitting alone for a long time allows one the time to analyze his actions and ideas in ways that can be more helpful than discussion of them with a friend. This is not to say I have overcome my loneliness or anything silly like that, but I think I have learned to provide myself ample time-filling activities for the soul. I have not yet begun to fully understand how to soulseek, but I am slowly working on reaching new heights in meditation and progress for the game that I know I still want and love.
I know that I have been harsh on those who have not seen the same visions that I have and have even outcast many of the people who in the past had wronged me. They will stay as such as I still have found no use for them, but I wish not to further shut out any of those whom might still have a chance to become a willing member in my project.
The lack of friends has received me the gift of time, thought, and showered me with sprinkles of creativity and an acute craving for accomplishment. Although I am certain to be alone for sometime in the future, and even moreso thereafter (!), I know I will survive as long as no bus is involved.
Developing habits of speech is becoming an integral part of understanding the language of the dark, where I discover the most blinding of truths hidden behind hallowed doors near old wishing wells and mouse traps concealed under white sheets. I have yet to find any keys to unlocking success or find any clues to solving the great mysteries of the world. In other words I'm making zero ground, but I feel as though I am getting closer to something, anyway.
I have bee invited to come along to an afterschool party this weekend. I am reluctant to go. Choosing to travel would voluntarily ruin my very delicate social life right now (er.. none?) and I would hate to disappoint myself come Monday when I wake back in my lonely room, devoid of familiar voices once again. I know I should go though, because I may never see these people again and it would be "good" for me, so says mom. I will probably choose to go against rational judgment, ruining any homeostasis of silence that exists herein. Shoot me now *gag* It's not that I don't like anyone. It's just that I hate them.
Next week I begin my therapy. I am under the impression that all will go well for the first few days and I see only clouds past a fortnight. I need to let go of that which I fear the most - positive regard. Don't tell me I'm good at something unless you know damn well how good someone can really be at it. And since that isn't something anyone knows, shut up.
Stumble down the rabbit hole will I time as "now" this. I like them. I really do..
Grey (2:09 AM)