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School is going as well as can be expected. I have submitted a petition to withdraw from one course, late. In the past month or so it has been difficult having to deal with the ever-nearing lonely summer. It seems as though I have no real friends anymore and the anxiety finally caught up to me coupled with thoughts of failure and determinism.
On Saturday I was diagnosed with stress-induced hypertension. I know, it sounds like a big word for 'headache' but it is a moderate form of anxiety. Headaches occur, yeah, and they're fucking terrible when they do. I have been quiet about it and have been mildly mellow the past few days, using the ailment to my advantage with the judiciary committee and keeping a low profile with my friends here at school.
Tuesday was my birthday, and thank you to all who remembered (Glenn). I kept it from everyone else because it is a hassle to hear shitty phrases like 'happy birthday' and 'hey, now you're legal' all day. I need all the headache-avoidance I can get at this point. I have not been stressing out on the surface but my abuses have started to wax. I dislike confrontation as it is.
To everyone struggling to get by these days: I am starting to understand what it means to suffer. It is what I wanted and it will not be hard-won, this battle. I sympathize somewhat in the endeavor to obtain balance and variety in life. No, I don't care about the happiness yet, still, I pretend I do not feel the pain of myself and others, and I do not wish to shed light on that which I left behind.
Good luck on finals guys and girls.
I'm with you in Rockland
where you scream in a straightjacket that you're
losing the game of the actual pingpong of the abyss
~A.G.
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