Saturday, April 16, 2005
Well things haven't been the best lately, but mostly I blame that dumb game I keep playing. I'm sure I'll tell the story here, but it probably won't do much because it's mostly a plea to have the past back and I know that that won't ever happen. Too much crap is going on in my life right now, in mind and body, to worry so much about stupid pointless things. But I think I am at the very least entitled to annoyance.
Xerlic left FFXI this week and I didn't really say goodbyes to him on the game, but then again, our hellos have sort of been few and far in between. I feel like, as friends, we've gone past those things and introductions and farewells are no longer necessary. Being a man of realistic, non-traditional practices, I feel like that's progress. But something inside me is still missing on the game. I don't want to be there anymore either. It's tiring both day in and day out.
Last Thursday I was in the process of posting JSL Volume 20, when lo and behold, blogger was undergoing some "secret" maintenance. As I hit the publish button, I waited and waited. The page loaded with an error. The entry hadn't been posted and the back button had no answers. So, I lost the post. It took about four hours to type up (I'm not exaggerating), and it took quite some time to draft a little in text file to really get the juices flowing. I wrote the perfect journal. It had all the answers and none of the resolve. I thought it was great and I read it several times to make sure. But I have just one thing to say about it: Thanks blogger for fucking it up, really. That's what you get for free blogging.
I've been thinking about what is going to happen this summer and I become flush with the thought of change to the point that it makes me sort of delirious and sick to my stomach. I'm alone. As much as I like my time alone, it's because I'd rather not spend it with the people that live in that house. I don't want family "vacations" or Christmas gifts. I don't want garage-sale clothes or left-handed calendars. I want to get away, be away from them entirely and they don't understand that. To them, we are a family and we're supposed to stick together even in the obvious event that we all hate each other openly. At least, that's how it is between my parents and I. I'm not tired with it anymore, I'm absolutely disgusted by it. I need to get away from them. I need to finish school, get out of that house, and go somewhere I really belong and not tell them. No, it doesn't bring a tear to me eye, or make my heart skip a beat. Maybe I'm cold-hearted, sure. Maybe I'm devoid of understanding how other's feel. You know what I have to say to those replies? I'll tell you what I have to say:
"If you feel a certain way, you shouldn't have to hide that from people, especially those whom your emotions target. If you're not honest and open about how you feel then you'll never get what you truly want and never reach any resolutions in your life. No one can do everything alone, sometimes you need to reach out and touch someone, even if it means telling them you hate them."
I'm a happy person on the inside, but there are many things missing in my life and to list them would be a self-indulgent jerk-dom. (figure that one out. heh. yeah.).
Help me because I'm getting to the point of no return and I don't want to go back there. Help me because..
Grey (4:12 PM)