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The Past

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

In a dark and dreary hour the light sheds an old, oppressed opinion on the meaning of life. Is it this that I deserve now? Why, I ask. But none come to respond. It seems as though words fall upon deaf ears and the splattering of bloody tears upon my hands offer no reply.

Do they act together or in another unforeseen way? Perhaps it is just my thinking that has induced these thoughts. Tomorrow has never brought faith back into the mix. Simply put it is another day on the witchhunt. Another time for the righteous to bring forth the accused; martyrdom is not too far from godliness to those people. But it is not their lives they sacrifice, merely, their identities. They wish only to be seen favourably, and thus, are seen the way others would wish them to be seen, handing them all the answers, but untruthful answers at best.

I am a shadow now.
I hide in the unlit places, in the corners of the most secluded, roundabout minds. I linger for a short time only, soaking in only the most choice cuts of life and gathering them in this box, so that I might one day construct the perfect homunculus, both in mind, and in spirit.

I was a shadow then.
Remaining unforeseen to most, the cog of my plan had only begun to turn. I gathered my resources and shoved them into the body I most desired them to control. Predetermined now is the fate of such a being, encompassing all the pasts of only semi-perfect beings. Even I awaited the tail to unfold itself as I pulled the lever. A birth never before witnessed by mankind, a story of immeasurable value and equally as inconceivable truth. I rested then. I watched and I waited.

I am a shadow forever.
Maintaining my prejudices was the most difficult for me. I left my life in search of something greater, something I could not give. A heart. One of my own, for myself, to be given only to the most precious of adorers. I found this. It slipped and fell, tumbling down the plateau's rocky siding, taking the breath of my life away. I rested again, wiping those bloody tears from my eyes, wishing there were something more I could have done for her.

I am a shadow now.
The day had come to watch my plan come to beautiful fruition. The perfect life, preserved in the perfect body. Her mind, soul, and spirit, purer than the whitest snow, cleaner than the newest bedspread. But I could not confront that which was truly mine. When the procedure was done, I left her, vowing to watch only from the shadows, my most beautiful body, my purest soul. I gave her the best of the world, the best I could find because that is what she deserved, truly. A life given, and one taken away. This was the way it had to be..

I am a shadow forever.
This is my life. The life of a believer. The life of a man who truly loved, who truly cared about the sanctity of life. But never could I share even one kind word or but one sweet kiss. I remain a shadow, for that is my destiny. A shadow forever shall I be to her, that perfect being, created of love and purity, like none the world could ever fathom. I cry 'til my eyes flow with more than tears. I am a shadow.

Is it this that I deserve now?
Why, I ask.
But none come to respond.

Grey (3:32 AM)

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