Saturday, May 28, 2005
I've been really out of it lately.
Detached. Outgrown. So fucking tired.
I'll admit, the run-around had me excited for awhile. The thought of something new and exciting was very appealing and kept my eyes on a target I could only partially see and I barely understood.
Now things are just back to the way they were to start with. Nothing changed. Still tired. Still restless. Still do the same old things and say the same old things. When's that gonna change huh? Eh, maybe I'm asking for too much in such a short time.
Still unsupported. Still avoided. Still confused. What sense am I to make of what has happened recently? Something that seemed like a light in a dark and narrow tunnel was nothing more than a flash gleaming off the shimmering puddles scattered along the ground. Too many ways to describe how I feel and no words fit the mode.
When nothing comes close but the experience itself, what then? That is where I feel I am at. Life is still the same, but I don't do anything to improve it because nothing can be done to improve it. I feel sick on the inside. I'm edgy, or grossed out, or something else, or both those things at the same time. When will it end. What do I want..
I want happiness. T want to smile. I want to hold and be held. I want to be able to show my love. I want to feel complete. I want a lot. I want to have my just desserts. I want to just go to sleep and never wake up sometimes. I want what joggy-smokey wanted. And I'd like it now.
Grey (2:43 AM)
Rehuman² [Civil Afar]
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