Thursday, May 26, 2005
It's cold now, just as it has been the last few nights. I don't know how long it had been but when I woke my face was lying down in the snow. I shiver like a bad dream. I cough as though there will be no tomorrow. When I fell, I knew. Now I know..
It was unfair, like a storm on a warm summer day. Why him, it wasn't his time. He just wanted me to meet him there. I never got to meet her. It wasn't his time. It should've been me.
I went into the store to purchase an orange juice, and spoke with the clerk. Nothing new, but the face of that attendant. I thought he was so handsome, even for an indian man. He smiled as he handed me my change; thirty-seven cents. I walked out. Then. Just then.
Thrown back. Hurled through the air like a butterfly in the wind. Unconscious. Fire everywhere. A flip and a bang and I was out. As I went under, I felt as though I wanted to cry. Something inside me died just then.
I woke minutes later, a poodle's coarse tongue licking my face, my hair in disarray. A pack of Marlboro Reds clutched tightly in my right hand, empty. No one knew me, nor knew them. My son. His fianceé. What had happened? They tried to speak to me and I could hear them, but I could not understand. I staggered as I made it to my feet. I remember now so cleary, but not then.
I headed straight into the Kwik-Mart, for what I thought was the first time that day, to purchase a fresh pack of these red cigarettes. Everyone was in shock, but they didn't know me nor did they make any connections. I looked to my left, watching; seeing nothing. The dog, my saviour, came in with screaming customer as the door swung open. It demanded attention, so I picked it up. I started running, all the way back to the place I thought was home. No. Nothing here was real anymore, I had forgotten everything.
And it was unfair, like a storm on a warm summer day. He was my everything and he was taking me somewhere special, to be with friends and to visit her parents. It was for the best I thought. The cough won't go away now. Now I know..
..And my heart aches with unbearable pain. There was nothing, no father, no one to go home to. Just my new life. These cigarettes and that poodle, all that I seemed to know. Now all I have is a leash, a terrible memory, and no one to rescue me.
..And my heart is broken now. Pain I cannot feel anymore. I try to love but there is nothing left for me. I tried.
I tried so hard..
to to.. to love..
~The Epic Tales of Joggey-Smokey Lady, Volume 20
Grey (10:14 PM)