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The Past

Thursday, November 06, 2003
-*thoughts and shizzles*-

For some reason I am becoming stupider. You were right.
I have a few clues as to why. So does everyone else I know.

I can't seem to keep my thoughts focused on one thing anymore. I am no longer laffing or crying. I'm cracking now. Stage 2 or something it seems in this progression.

My mind isn't shattering though. My thoughts are just becoming harder to form and, in turn, understand. Lately I've beeen having many strange dreams. Some of them I know are propehices. Some of it looks wonderful, but on the whole it will become sour (apple?). Those things that seem wonderful now will become sour (tart?) as well.

I will wake up tomorrow and it will have either gotten worse or stayed the same. There is no improvement. She may have been right about the Our Father but I don't dare try it. No. Fucking. Way.

Greg says I should follow him tonight. I know I will. I know I want to. Nowhere is where I'll end up. It's a lovely place this time of year, why don't you come visit me there?

Greyland is becoming closer. It's my special place. It is where I belong. I will go there tonight, I "hope". I will see many things are feel new feelings and they will all become like dust in the wind, slaughter like a sheep among wolves, torn from the flanks, bleeding from the inside, awaiting the final, killing, blow.

No, I'm not depressed you silly fools. It's like reaching inside a box of chocolate and grabbing a piece you never took and swallowing that which you never began to chew.

I still care. I can still love. I can still breathe. I only know the last one for sure, as far as physics goes. The physical is not that which I appreciate dealing with but I do just good enough to keep my head above the water, or did. I'm not drowning, but the water is taking over my body and it is twitching with excitement of a new experience, a new place, a new feeling. I want to discover the emotion no one has ever felt. I will expect it to be the one hidden in the darkest corner of the deepest pool. If that pool is a sphere, I'll blame them for bad engineering. them, god, whoever. I am not to be judged anymore. I can no longer judge myself, but can I still judge others? Yes. No. No, no, and.. no.

Take me home from the dolphins now, it hurts a lot to not cry.
Does it hurt more to cry?
Once it did, and only once in my whole life.
You know when I cried, you were there.

But I wasn't.
I was swimming in that pool.
When I surfaced,
I understood.

I'm still floating, just barely. I hate water. Tonight will not be remembered tomorrow. It will no longer be the ever-important "now". It will be the unimportant "then". Yes. I've figured out time travel. Excellent. If you still don't see it, I suggest you stand up, sit down again, and stare blankly at the page.

Yes. No.

Goodbye fellow oblongs.

Grey (1:58 AM)

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