Thursday, November 20, 2003
I'm gonna regret not going to lab again. Someone is on the phone and she needs someone to talk to so I'm offering my ear. I'm paralyzed right now. This is taking me forever to type; my attentions are elsewhere.
Standing on toilet..
I went to class this week. That haze Glenn always talks about was lifted from my head after 6 "dry" days. I felt good, but I was struggling with other things in my head, on my mind, and in "real" life. Groovy. Not really. The dry days are over again. I miss Greg kinda. He and I get along in strange ways sometimes. I really don't "miss" him conventionally. I just know that if he was here, I wouldn't be so scared to do certain things. But Glenn's around so actually, it's all good now.
So far so good
Nothing is getting me down as of late, not even the fact that I'll probably get a D in bio lab and a C (if I'm lucky) in the class. I really don't care because I know I've gotta be here for at least 1 more semester anyhow and I'm only 3 credits behind. I'll have to be at least 12 credits behind to have another good, full semester and be full-time. Being part-time would mean I have to get a job and I know being a student and working never fit together well for me.
Glenn found psyduck - yay!! I knew he was hidden somewhere in that pile of mess he calls his room. In any case, psyduck pegging is back in affect here in Eisenhower 214.
I went to the bamboo forest three days ago (?) with Greg, Hetre, and Derf. Mostly, I got lost in the winds and thoughts of the wood. I don't remember much except feeling cold for brief moments in time, some background noise, an argument, rustling of leaves every-so-often, and a beautiful, suffering, tree I could touch for hours and try to understand from the highest branch to the small seed. I heard a word in my mind - ish'taeth. In an old tongue it means 'death' or something like that. But not natural death. This is something along the lines of a slow, agonizingly painful death that comes before deep suffering comes. This death lingers here somewhere and it spoke to me about things. About my friends, my life, important people, and some not-so-important people. I think I will go back tonight or tomorrow on my own to listen again. Maybe. Maybe I'm just crazy. Someone tell me I'm nuts and I'll believe you if you are a credible source.
The loose (end?)
My heart is heavy these days. Maybe it's gravity. Many things, magical and tragic, have been brought to light by receiving and interpreting. I wish I knew less about my life now. Perhaps if I did I wouldn't be stressing about the future - something I never looked too deep into. It sickens me. I spoke to Glenn and Matt about it. Opinions are comforting, but actualities will be more fulfilling. Two nights ago I experienced something real, or what felt so unreal, it just had to be happening. I lie. I know nothing anymore real than how I feel right now happened. Just like the words failing to support my mind, the real lacks in reality. Sometimes I ask myself why I even bother posting because if I know anything at the moment I log into blogger to edit, it's that anything I say won't get the point in my head across to the readers. On other days I admit to not having a point at all. I HAD a point today but I lost it because I'm listening to someone speak in my ear and I an hearing and listening to what is going on. It's not the end though so what am I to do? I know... "wait".
The Riddle & The Procedure
People are always telling me I talk in riddles these days. I don't know what they mean. I speak about odd things sometimes to people. Even I know that they're a bit odd or off-topic but I speak of them anyway as if I really know what I'm talking about. What rolls off my tongue is all the knowledge that I have of what I speak. It seems like a lot. Sometimes I question where I gained this knowledge. Ocassionally I remember that I'm more than my own thoughts, feelings, and dreams. Then I recall the bad times and it hurts. My riddles aren't riddles at all. Maybe they're not meant to be solved. Those words are the best ones I can muster for having to use a language to describe the images and notions in my head so everybody is just going to have to deal with it like I've always had them do. Standard procedure that is.
Into the black.
Now that that is all over in my ear, I will probably head back to sleep. I am very tired and worn out these days. I've only slept for 3h at this time and I know that I'm killing myself. I have no more hopes. Hope is on an extended vacation right now and I can't see ahead of me very far.
Darkness before me,
I walk from the light.
Into the shadows
to regain all my might.
The Last of the Sinistrals.
Eat away the walls around me. I'm tired of biting, gnawing, spitting, swallowing. I am done with the time for now. I will become a sinister being bent on something not unlike domination of the eras inside my head. I live in many times, each coexisting inside of my head, driving a mail into the base of my brain on small click at a time. Heh. I think I'm not feeling very good right now. I might need to vomit on myself to put me back in my place. Save it captain. There will be none after me, I no longer feel the need to couple in those ways.
For now I will fade back into the shadows. I need to seek out the unreal to destroy the real. Discover the old, out with the new. Come 'round full circle with that and be free from the ground. Soar like only the wind can. Take off, fly you fools. Hah.
Be you there
To seek the answers
at any cost..
Grey (9:10 AM)