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The Past

Friday, November 14, 2003
-*Reven eid reven*-

If I could cup the world's pain,
I'd form it into a ball.
Next, I'd open real wide
and swallow it all.

No I wouldn't,
I wouldn't want to.

Tonight I did a lot of thinking about things with no real relavence to life, but my life in general, so-to-speak. Greg was there. Rob was there, but this was the tail-end of my thoughts for the day. I've been thinking for hours now and I can't stop thinking. Rob made me think about how "cool" it must be to meditate. I felt like a kid inside as I said "no" to him. It but keeps me regular now. My ID, or whatever needs to express itself on a clock now. Without regular maintenance, by mind seems as though it would be deteriorating very much faster. There's no more pain upstairs anymore, which is good. It's sunk way down in now, where I actually kind of like it. I can shape it, imagine myself molding it, like puddy, into a dinosaur or an indian rowboat. I lose myself in the thoughts, and a smile on the outside and on the inside. Someone pointed it out to me and I realized it. I giggle at the thoughts of things being made in my image; it's just somewhat smirk-worthy. I realized I was doing it because it was pointed out. I wonder what else I do in the meantime that people see that they don't point out and if I'd rather be ignorant to all the other things, played off as if I was never meant to realize them. Weird, strange; no. This is everyday for me. I've dived into pools of thought this deep before, but I was never able to swin so freely throughout it until now. My mind is liberating itself in the wake of destruction, the day it will just fizzle and whither away or excite and BOOM! - no more mind. I could exist blissfully, ignorantly, with such an outlook on life I suppose. I wouldn't know it any other way because I'd be ignorant to those paths previously "taken" (or never having been taken). That is an achievement in itself. If I had just one wish left, I now know what I'd use it for. If I ever had any wishes, I can but apologize to myself for squandering them for selfish, possibly even, nihilistic methods. Yeah, the shell is out tonight, but the magic contains itself now. No longer is this lock hewn to my soul. Now, it swings loosely having bore labour, trial and error, misuse, constant picking, and reckless abandon.

Take me to another place
where I can be un-same.
In that place I'll find me-two
and then place all the blame.

Grey (6:05 AM)

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