Saturday, November 29, 2003
-*Reeds for the Just*-
Yesterday was alright. I'm home. It sucks. I've probably been in my house about 5 hours in the past two days. I've been avoiding the house because the time I used to spend in this house is no longer how I spend it. I dislike being here a greyt deal.
Tomorrow is Glenn's annual Thanksgiving get-together and I will be there with the remaining amount of my friends. These are the real friends though. They're not the passerby, school friends or the small chit-chat friends. They're the ones I would like to keep forever and take with me where ever I may roam. I must be frank - I am off my rocker. It's like I'm dead and loving it - everything but the dead part. my id says the loving part but what does it know! I'm still in control for the most part and that is cool. I get a lot of headaches though and that isn't something I can stand anymore. I'm just going to cut pieces of my brain off at this rate.
Tonight was a good night. I got to hang with Brad and Glenn, just us three. It had been a long time since it was just us three and I have to say it wasn't as fulfilling as I wanted it to be. It didn't seem like anything was missing but it was obvious that something surely was. I hope that which we are doing now is worth it in the end. I hope, for me, that it was always worth it. I tell myself it is. I won't lie to the worst person to lie to. It wasn't the lack of what I wanted to do, it's just that something seemed dry about our conversations. We were swapping college stories and stuff but it wasn't all the same. Maybe there was some tension, but it seemed just fine from all points. I've got it. It was just me. I saw it that way and I alone interpreted it that way. Brad was smiling. Glenn was smiling. I was smiling too.
I smile a lot now. I used to believe, and still do, that smiles were given to you in a bag. In life, you were to save those smiles for the good times, space them out, use them wisely in situations you felt were deserving of them. Now I smile all the time. I've looked into my bag and seen that there are hundreds of smiles left. I changed my view and decided that I don't when I'm gonna die, so I'm gonna smile all the time, whenever the situations warrants it, not deserves it. I held back too many smiles, or smiled in the shadows too often months ago and now I'm never letting myself be so conservative again. I am in pain here in my house. There is a lot of unresolved matters in this room that I swept under the carpet. Really though, I'm "glad" I still have somewhere I can escape to, only, it's not here. It's Glenn's house. For awhile today, it was Brad's house. What I am running from, I still do not know. Maybe lonliness. Maybe boredom. Maybe my fleeting love.
I lack trust right now. I will not trust anyone as strongly as I once did. Not NEW people that is, I will always trust the friends I have now. I am doing that which I never have done. I know one day I WILL trust someone strongly again, but that day is too far away for my instruments to know or experience. I am not prepared to be hurt again and I will be very cautious in my dealings with everyone from now. I have traded liberal smiles for a conservative heart. Only I will be the death of me, and only I would allow such things to interfere with my thoughts. Do not ask why I have said it. I have felt the need to say it and therefore have said it.
Life is too short to spend it wasting time. Stop wasting time. Stay with that which you have seen can be and will work if you try hard enough. There is no need to change that which has been working and has the potential to work if you are willing to give it a chance. Never give up on the people you love no matter what. If you show who you can really be, those who love you will see you for who you really are. Never shy away a smile. Face the demons with chin high in the air and a brazen will. Succeed where I have failed and you shall see that the world is more than love and hate. You will see the possible and realize that nothing is ever impossible, no matter how many times you seem to fail. Go. Get off your computer, and outside, into what you think is real, and scream. Scream once for love. Scream once for hate. Then scream one last time for all your regrets. It won't make you feel better, but it'll kill about six minutes.
Grey (12:16 AM)