Tuesday, April 13, 2004
The umbrella is a tool of the devil.
The umbrella is correct insofar in assuming that rain falls from the sky, and it does, indeed. *but* the umbrella is terribly misguided. Not only is it disturbingly wrong in its one, and only, somewhat-valid assumption that rain does falls from from the sky, but it takes just one more, ill step forward in righteously also assuming that it descends in a perfect downward spiral happily striking your umbrella with a loud 'plop!' or *crackle*, and it fails to appreciate the value of the runoff patterns that water appears to enjoy taking on its way downhill. Coupled with this behaviour, are cars that drive very fast, and sidewalks where pedestrians (ie. victims) travel along from departure to destination point.
I have become concerned with the false sense of security that these 'umbrellas' offer to the mind of my fellow (and not-so-fellow) college students. They are wrong damnit. You listen to me fools - those stupid things don't do jackshit. Fucking car drives by and BAM!, you're fucking wet! And I'll tell you another thing, your friend "the rain", well he never travels alone. He's always, ALWAYS has his buddy "the wind" with him, and he loves to fuck with your head. You thought you'd be a little safer with your trusty umbrella overhead, hahaha! well wrong kiddies, because rain doesn't fall parallel to other raindrops, they do whatever the fuck they want and "the wind' helps them out!!! How you like them apples? (pears, if you prefer)
Anyway, there is a moral to this story, and it has but one premise:
Whether you dig a hole, or dig half-a-hole, it's still a hole.
And the moral is as follows:
Whether you are very wet, or just a little wet, you're still fucking wet.
So next time you're out in the rain, although I wouldn' t suggest that, don't bother using one of those flimsy shit-shovels. Just tackle the sky-piss on your own. Not only will it be more fun that way, but you're going to get wet in either case and it's easier to grab and beat people with large umbrellas if you have both your hands free.
This message has been brought to you by Greyland International.
Greyland, where we don't have umbrellas
Grey (4:42 PM)