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The Past

Thursday, October 14, 2004
-*homebound four-fingers*-

Humanity has often left me speechless. Too many time has the page of white become like a tan parchment of spell-like fashion. It would seem as though the words become entangled in the winds of change and the thoughts of the many crowd the clouds of mayhem in all their hecticity.

But that doesn't mean I haven't learned how to become a proud, success-bound consumer whore. The type of lessons confronting me have left a fine mist behind among an even more miniscule stream of sand, like that which flows through an eternal hourglass. Have you even seen something like that? To me it is like one of the many dejavu I experience daily.

The lack of ticking has caused a sharp and noticeable release of stringent pain to evaporate as smoke would in high altitudes. I do not think I will ever feel more human and more available to comment than I have been in past days. No one has tested me as of yet and so I am lacking some of the needed motivation to move boundaries and expand outwards to reach all those who feel I should belong within them whether fully or otherwise.

If I go now I know that those things which I want to find or be sought out by will most undoubtedly leave and remove all trace of their existence leaving me in the dark as I have been in the past few months. I cannot go on existing in that sense which I have defined in the past in this very medium, just to bind myself to an idea that will never occur, to a notion that does not require significant finding, or to a query of my own discovered only by soul-seeking agent to leave a signet mark of trace and plant. Why would I want to supplant such feelings at all and place them down below the table to twiddle and fizzle and never see the light of life? I am not very sure.

To be truthful there are many moments I feel I am still not quite "attached" to the people around me. The separatist emotions combat the armed legions of the inner army which has only grown more and more defensive as the time has passed on the outside. To the heart and mind my time here is unimportant and nihilistic in scope. Nevertheless I would like to share everything I could with one person someday. Someone close to me. As of yet, that is no one I can name or fathom. I think perhaps I have let my heart become frail and weak and my mind has broken down over time in suit.

I have been wrong. I have been defeated. I have been my own worst enemy but never a best friend to myself. There are some that would say I could use a friend or perhaps a day off and those that couldn't care less (maybe) and claim I have it rather easy in comparison to the masses. I could only be perplexed in demeanor to these statements and would offer first only a calm silence and a rude awakening of peculiar attesting.

Naturally, defiantly, inappropriately. These are the guidelines, ixnay rul-ay, of the agnostic mind and tent. Go now or forever have no peace.

Grey (4:21 AM)

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